Who am I? Really?

As I have said, lately I am reminded of things from my past. Recently, one of those things was my choice of clothing in high school.

There was a period of time, when all I wore, was Black. Now, before you get ahead of me, no, I wasn't going for the 'goth look' and I wasn't 'emo'. Believe it or not, I think I predated 'emo'. That makes me feel so damn old. Anyway, I wore black. Generally it was a black t-shirt, black jeans, black underwear, black socks, and black sneakers. Solid, unwavering black.

Now, this drove my mother insane. She hates black. Never mind at the time I was also studying witchcraft and pagan religions, which drove my very, very Catholic mother crazy, but I'm also wearing Black. She hated it. HATED. But I had my reasons. Even if I didn't fully understand them until years later.

My mother would ask me, 'Why won't you wear something else? Why does everything have to be black?'
I couldn't answer her. It was just the only color I felt comfortable in. Eventually I started shifting to Purple, and then her question was 'Why does everything have to be Purple?' at which point my answer was 'I can go back to Black if you like.'
Yes, I had a mouth on me. But it made the point.

Now, years later, I picked up a book on Color and Psychology. I vaguely remember the context was something like this... Color is expressive. People pick certain colors to either express who they are, or who they want to appear to be.

Women do this, and women will understand this perhaps more than men. If you want to feel sexy, passionate, and fiery on a date, you don't wear a sky blue dress. You wear Red. Red is the color of Passion and Fire. If you want to appear sexy and mysterious, you wear Black.

Now, I'm not saying I was trying to appear sexy and mysterious in high school. I think the jeans and a t-shirt trump the sexy, and there's nothing mysterious about sneakers. However, take this one step further.

If person A likes Sapphire blue as a color, they might have several pieces of clothing in that color. To them, it might mean power, sophistication, and success. Person B might dislike Sapphire blue, because to them, all it is is a color their mother-in-law liked, or their step mother, or that annoying Aunt Bertha who pinched their cheeks as a kid. Sapphire Blue to person B might not mean power, sophistication or success, but rather annoyance. So color isn't just expressive, but it's personal.

So, what does black mean to me? And for that matter, Purple? Or any color?
Black, back when black was my 'go to' color, meant something specific to me. It was unknown. It was shadow. It was hidden. Now, yes, this is going to sound emo.. but remember, I sadly predate emo so you can't really use that against me. Let's go back to that book on Color. I seem to remember it saying something about teenagers wearing black, because black is a void color. It's the absence of light, of color. It's a blank slate. So when Teens are trying to find out who they are, as all teens do, they tend to reject everything, and then slowly bring things back in.
What?
Okay. Think of it like this. When you're a teen, you start realizing your parents aren't Gods. They're people. You begin to break away from the conformist, do anything the parents tell you to do, or because your parents do it. You start asking the questions, do I like this because I'm expected to, or because I really do?
Do I hate peas because my parents hate them and refuse to try them or serve them, and I'm just going with the flow, or do I really hate peas?
Am I a Republican simply because my parents are, or is that really where my political views lie?
Do I recycle because my parents are hippies, or do I do it because I believe in it?

You start breaking the mold and discovering yourself. And the book said, that's about the point you reject color from the wardrobe, to reflect the blank slate, and as you discover yourself, you start bringing colors back in to reflect who you see yourself as.

So, I remember reading that and thinking, that makes perfect sense to me. After all, when I wore black, it was back when I was trying to figure out who I was. What I stood for. Who I wanted to be. What I believed. And the answers weren't easy. I had a lot of hard questions. It took me a few good years to start accepting color back in. Black to me, didn't mean the same thing it meant to my mother. Not that she'd ever understand that.

My mother sees black as a funeral color. Outside of funerals, she sees it as a color worn by devil worshipers and criminals, gang members and all other manner of unsavory people. But she never asked me what it meant to me. No one did. Not even me. But looking back I can understand. It was a way to hide, when I didn't want to be seen. It was a defense when I didn't want other people getting too close. I was trying to define myself on my terms, not on other people's terms. I didn't want to define myself by my family or friends. Just me. I rejected all preconceived notions and ideas, all of who I had been, to try and figure out who I was. Black was my blanket, my canvas, and my shield. It reflected my loss of self, and my dark journey to find the new me.

Eventually I did come out of the void, and started bringing color back into my closet. Purple mostly. Purple is a royal color. I wasn't trying to say I was a queen or princess or anything like that. But I did believe I should hold my head up. I had finished my journey, found myself. I'd come out on top. I should be proud. And I should approach life from a 'Noblesse oblige' standpoint. That I should conduct myself nobly, even if I wasn't noble. Because it was part of who I wanted to be.

Today, my wardrobe is vast and varied. I find lately I'm drawn to the earthy tones, as well as a certain shade of pink. I'm not sure what it means, as I'll have to figure out what the colors mean to me. But in reflecting on this, I realize that I have lost sight of who I was, and who I was supposed to be. That's not exactly a bad thing, as people change, as well as the paths we take. But I'm left wondering, who am I? Really?

Who am I now?

I have no answer yet. Perhaps I should dig out some black clothing and spend a few days reflecting on the void, to see what transpires. Sadly, the only thought running though my head at the idea isn't 'man, it's going to be great to connect and discover again', but rather 'man, I'm really old to be dressing like a goth'.

Then again, Halloween is coming up...