Halloween, Halloween

This is Halloween.

So Mur and I tried to take the Bug trick-or-treating. She didn't seem to get the point (she's only 20 months after all) but even worse, she screamed all the way down the block and back. Nothing made her happy. Dig ended up putting her to bed early. We think she was just tired.

After that, Dig manned the Candy and Mur and I went to get groceries for this week. I have been trying to plan food at the start, shop, and  then cook all week. So far so good I think. about $130 for four people for the week. That's not bad, right? That would be like... $65 for two people for a week, which is about what the hubby and I used to spend.

Anyways, we came home and they went to check out this house down across the street that was done up for Halloween. They came back to get me to go look. So I went with Mur and the Hubby while Dig manned candy again. It was decent. About what I might do next year if I'm not inspired to go all goth. There were two guys dressed up and acting like dummies. I walked up to look at the pumpkins and when I walked back one had followed me down the driveway. I turned around and looked at him before saying "Oh hi." Mur was all "Damn and I thought you were a screamer." I told her "I'm just waiting for the other one to move."

So when we went to leave the second one ran up behind me and grabbed me around the waist. Apparently Dig heard me scream all the way back to the house. -_-;

It wasn't my best Halloween. I didn't have any decor up at all. Not one thing. But honestly, I've been so busy I forgot until Friday it was going to be here. And I've been working on NaNo so I haven't been myself. Next year I plan to have tons of decor and as much fun stuff as I can fit into the yard. Hopefully if they are still here, they can help and the Bug will be older. Perhaps next year she won't scream so much.

Speaking of NaNo. I'm almost ready. It starts in 5 mins. I doubt I'm going to start typing tonight. I have to be up at 6am for the bug and everything. IF she sleeps in I should be able to type for a while before she gets up, again when she naps and again after Mur gets home. I should be good with 2 hours a night. I plan to try and get maybe three or four.

I have my playlist build. I have my notes. I have my ideas. I just have to hope it flows into a story.

Why so cold?

Dude.
Why is it, in the summer when I'm dying of heat, 62 is a fantastic temperature to have the house set at. Then come winter, when it's frigging cold outside, 62 has my lips turning blue? Seriously. It makes no sense to me. I'm sitting here wanting to pile on clothing and drink hot coffee because it's so damn cold. But the temperature of the house shouldn't have changed any.

This cold isn't helping me any. I just want to curl up in bed to keep warm, but when I'm there, I get so comfy I want to sleep. Which isn't going to help me with wanting to finish setting up my story for NNWM. I have a lot left to do. Apparently they suggest making an outline. Which would be great if I actually knew where I was going with the story. I mean, I have the start and the end, it's the path between that's not focused. And I've learned with my Cs, that planning the center isn't always smart. They change things on me.

Speaking of, I think I finally figured out my main character for my NaNoWriMo story. I was having issues with her name. She apparently didn't like anything I picked, but last night we came to an agreement on "Annemarie Jacobs". I even got her talking about herself, something I hadn't been able to do. I think this is going to work well. Peacemaker and her should get along fine.

 I think when Bug goes down for her nap, I'm going to try editing my wetpaint site and get everyone that's going to be in the book together, and lay out information about them. Probably do a C sheet for them, since I'll have to have which Gifts everyone has in the event they use them.

I'm going to be very unhappy if Annemarie turns out to know more about W:tA than I do. Which sadly, isn't impossible. >.<

One week to NaNoWriMo

Last year when I say people talking about this, it was the first I'd heard of it. And they talked about it A LOT. I kept thinking, really? What is so special about it?

It's not so much it's special, or exciting. Though I suppose I am excited, but not for the reasons you might think. For me, the constant pump of  NaNoWriMo stuff has been to psych myself up and keep me excited about it. To remind myself I have one week to go before I have to buckle down and write until my fingers bleed so I can make the deadline. It's about keeping the desire there, and not letting it slip where I forget and suddenly Nov 15th I realize, crap... I should have been writing.

I suppose for some people this is special. For me it's the challenge of, can I do this? I'm not looking to write the next great novel. I'm not going to submit this for publication. It's FanFic. That pretty much means no one is going to read it. Which is what I intended. This isn't for anyone else. Just me. Just to say I can. To say I can write 50k words in a month. To say I did it. To prove it is something I could do.

And for some it's exciting. For me it is too, but probably not for the same reasons. For me, I get to test myself. I get to work on a topic I like, and flesh out a storyline I might use with gamers later. I get to expand characters I haven't used in a while, and it's one-sided role-play when you get down to it. And I haven't been able to RP since Mur, Dig and the Bug moved in. Bug keeps me plenty busy. I'm excited to get to be creative once again. And I'm excited to be able to knock one more thing off my list.

With one week to go, I have been doing a bit of research into the setting for the book, looking at google maps and the street views of areas alot so I can get the feel for what's actually in the places my characters will be dropped. It helps to form the pictures in my mind that then get translated into words and hopefully back into pictures. Provided the process works right. *kicks moths out of system*

Did some revamps of characters I am using, and tried building the Main C, but she's being stubborn and silent. Which would be fantastic if she was supposed to be stubborn and silent. However, she's not, so it's not exactly fantastic. About ready to shake the ever fictional crud out of her... *fume*

Borrowed a digital voice recorder, and started making note recordings for things I need to look up, ideas for Cs, questions to look into and some ideas for scenes that pop into my brain. In the down moments I then transcribe them to a notepad and add more info as I go. So far it's reminded me I need to rework things a little, and that the roommate's 20 month old really enjoys 'Go Diego!' far too much.

Actually bought a sketch pad because the main C uses one, and I was hoping somehow it would bring her out more. So far, no. No luck.

Cleaned the bedroom, got all the junk off the floor and organized, got things hung up and set up so I have a calm, quite, relaxing place to retreat to write. The cat is currently Quality Checking my comforter for downy softness. So far it seems to pass. He's only rolled over twice. That's a good sign.

Bought pens, pencils, and a notepad for when the muse sputters and tries to die. Figured maybe some old fashioned hand written something or other might shock it back to life.

Bought a large container of water, to drink while chained to the bed and laptop, writing slavishly into the night. Probably should have bought longer chains so I could still reach the bathroom. >.<'

Bought little coffee flavored hard candies for that extra kick in the teeth when needed. I've eaten... half of them so far. Perhaps I should have bought more.

Replaced the bulbs in the bedside lamps, so there's no excuse. I will be able to see what I'm writing, and cannot hide attempts to slack from myself anymore.

Warned people they won't see much of me in November, and not to think I'm dead. Warned the roomies and Hubby to crack the door once in a while to make certain I'm not dead.

I'm certain I've forgotten something important. But that's it so far. Hitting that 'Can't wait to get started' moment.

Jesus is the answer

WARNING: Be prepared to either A) Snicker, or B) Be offended. You have been warned.

I saw this bumper sticker today as the Hubby and I were coming back from me getting forced out of the house for the weekend, sick or not, so that I was -out of the house-. Of course, the first thing that came to mind is "Really? Jesus is -the- answer?" And of course, I said this out loud. I should probably point out my Hubs is semi-non-denominational-Christan. I am non-denominational-pagan. >.>

So he looks at me and says "Really? Not an answer, but -the- answer?" And I shrug and point to the bumper sticker on the car in line ahead of us at the light. Of course, my mouth run-ith over, and I continue. "I wish I would have known that back in high school. Would have made tests so much easier. just write down 'Jesus' for everything and I would have had a 4.0"

He snickered.

"Of course," I said, "Had I gotten something 'wrong' I could have politely pointed out 'But I've been told Jesus is the answer. Are you saying that Jesus is indeed, not the answer?"

He snickered again.

"What's worse is, had I actually failed a test after giving that answer, I suppose I could have then gone to the church officials and pointed out how wrong they are about Jesus being the answer. I mean, by then, Jesus would have fucked my GPA."

He howled in laughter and we almost missed the green light. So while he's trying to drive, I make matters worse by calling Mur and filling her in on the conversation, getting more snickers from the Hubby. And she pops off with, "But, if Jesus is the answer, what the hell is the question?"

The three of us then listed a ton of (offensive to many) questions and applied the "Jesus" answer.

1. Who was the world's first Hippie?-- Jesus.
2. Who shot JFK?-- Jesus
3. Who was History's most closeted Homosexual? -- Jesus.
4. Who killed 6,000 Jews in WW2?-- Jesus. (Apparently Hitler was framed, and Jesus wanted revenge.)

It kept going downhill from there, until the Hubby almost couldn't drive from laughing so hard, and rather than get into a car accident and be forced to answer the cop's "What the hell happened here?" with a "Jesus."... we decided to end the conversation.

See what kind of trouble bumper stickers can cause? Damn you all!! LOL.

Pondering

So November's coming closer, and I'm still trying to get my head in gear for the book. I'm worried if I over think it, I won't have the desire to write it. But if I don't, I'm worried I will get partway in and not know where to go. As I understand it, the idea is just to sit down and write, not edit or re-write or anything like that (and I found out December is finishing month and March was editing month). So technically I can just write and write and write, even if it doesn't make sense in parts.

I suppose it's about freeing yourself to just do it, without worry or over thinking. But I know my mind and how it works, and I'm afraid it's going to be a disaster.


On top of all this, I'm considering branching out my blog. I mean, FireFlameAsh is mostly a journal project for me. A place to pop off thoughts, worries, fears, concerns, bitching, etc without worry or thought that someone is going to read or reply. But I'd like to look into doing a Blog people might actually read. Either a Poem blog, or something like that. Creative... Which means I'd have to set a goal for posting, so I can meet it. If I don't have consistent updates, why would anyone bother coming back to read it? So Weekly might be good. I could work on a post all week and post on Saturdays or something.


It's a lot to think about while trying to watch the Bug and everything else.

Depression

Took the first step towards trying to deal with my depression. I had seen an advert on Facebook for a drug trial for depression. I signed up. And the other day I went to the clinic office to fill in paperwork.

I haven't talked about this much because I don't like admitting I have depression. I used to just take St. John's Wort for it, and it helped. It doesn't anymore. It's been getting worse. It's caused a felt meltdowns recently, and yes, for that I have the added stress of taking care of the Bug to thank. I don't blame her, and I don't want to stop watching her, because by watching her I am helping Mur, and honestly it's about as close to raising a kid as I will ever get. I'm learning I don't have the patience to take care of a kid 24-7. But the stress and frustration isn't exactly helping the depression any.

And, come to find out, the PCOS can also cause depression. Which isn't the best of news really. It just means I have more reasons to need to seek some kind of help. Hubby's insurance doesn't kick in for me until after the new year, so this is really a good thing, if I can get into the trial. Sure there's side effects and risks, but there's side effects and risks for doing nothing too. At least this way, I'm trying.

I've spent too long doing nothing. It's time I tried doing something about this.
So I went to the clinic and signed up. Wish me luck they take me for the study. I'll be excited to see if the drugs help.

Frustration

So the Bug is 20 months old. She only switched to 3rd foods a few months ago. For those who don't understand that, there's 3 or 4 stages of food (depending on the manufacturer). 1st foods are the first ones they get beyond bottle. 2nds have a little more flavor and texture. If I remember the crash course Mur gave me (which I don't) I think 1st are all single ingredients, 2nds start mixing things.

Anyways, 3rd foods have more texture, like rice pieces or small pasta balls (like you find in Frog's Eye Salad). They're supposed to be close to adult type foods, to help getting kids eating solids. Most kids switch to 3rd foods about 9 to 12 months. She didn't start 3rds until about 17 months. And that was difficult. About 12 months or so they are supposed to switch to toddler food. She's still on 3rds.

Now, here's the frustration. We started trying to switch her to 4ths, the toddler foods. She's done nothing but scream and spit it out, fight us and everything. She -does not want- toddler foods. And now, she has decided to fight on 3rds again as well. She's spitting them out and refusing to eat them as well. When she had been doing so well with them.

I'm about ready to pull my hair out because I'm the one feeding her breakfast 5 days a week, and lunch about half that. Mur catches Lunch the other half and Dig does dinners, but half the time she goes to bed hungry and the other half she gets Fruit which she isn't rejecting. Meats were the first things she started refusing. Now it's also veggies.

I don't know what to do, and since I'm not the parent, I'm not really prepared to handle this. I mean, they know her, they've learned her for 20 months. I've only had about 3 months training and I'm not certain what the hell I'm doing. Half the time she's screaming because she doesn't want to swallow the food and I feel like I'm abusing her. But the other half I think she's playing us trying to get what she wants, and I shouldn't be giving in to her. But that still feels like abuse.

She's certainly being a pain right now and I'm frustrated. *bangs head against walls*

All in a Name

So I looked uo my name on this website, and shockingly, it's fairly spot on. Not sure I should be happy about that.

• Your first name gives you an independent, serious, reticent, and studious nature.
   
• An intellectual, you have a deep appreciation for art, music, literature, and all the phenomena of nature.
   
• You express your thoughts and feelings best through writing rather than verbally.
   
• In fact, others find it challenging to understand you as you do not reveal your innermost thoughts unless you are completely comfortable in your friendships.
   
• For that reason, despite having good business abilities, you like to work alone or where you are making your own decisions.
   
• It has created separateness from others and loneliness in your life.
• Although the name creates the urge to be reliable and responsible, we emphasize that it limits self-expression and friendly congeniality with a moody disposition.
   
• This name, when combined with the last name, can frustrate happiness, contentment, and success, as well as cause health weaknesses in the heart, lungs, bronchial area, worry, and mental tension.

Cities

So one of the goals for my current 101 list is to make a list of cities I want to visit. I didn't list a number, because I wasn't sure if I was going to do a top 10, or 50 cities, one from each state, or just a few here and there and end up with however many I end up with.

I realize now I failed to specify US cities or cities world wide. I suppose it doesn't matter.

The purpose for this list was so that in future 101 lists I could make a goal to visit one or two of those cities I want to visit. I doubt I'll ever make it to London, but perhaps I could make it to Vegas, as an example.

Anyhow, I think I start with just a few cities I want to visit, and see how I do, and then maybe add in a few more so I can hit at least one in every state. Some places I want to visit for no good reason. Langtry for example. If you look on Google Maps, there's not much there. I really couldn't tell if there were house or just a gas station and a convenience store. But I still want to visit it. Others I saw on haunted shows. Like, there's a really haunted place there. Sounds cool, even if I never get up the courage to go see it. 

Anyway, here's the list. I still might add to it a little here and there, but for now, I think it's decent.

1. San Diego, California
2. San Francisco, California
3. San Jose, California
4. Savannah, Georgia
5. Decatur, Illinois
6. Midlothian, Illinois
7. Villisca, Iowa
8. Louisville, Kentucky
9. Wilder, Kentucky
10. New Oleans, Lousianna
11. St. Francisville, Louisiana
12. Boothbay Harbor, Maine
13. Ashland, Massachusetts
14. Salem Mass
15. Boston Mass
16. Danvers Mass
17. Hornet, Missouri
18. St. Louis, Missouri
19. Bridger Montana
20. Lincoln Nebraska
21. Las Vegas Nevada
22. Ithaca New York
23. Asheville, North Carolina
24. Cleveland, Ohio
25. Erie, Penn
26. Pittsburgh, Penn
27. Adams, Tennessee
28. Langtry, Texas
29. Burlington, Vermont

London, Devon, Manchester- England
Dublin, Inishmoore- Ireland
Athens- Greece

100 Snapshot challenge

So, the idea is to take a snapshot to represent each of the words on the list. There's some official site for it and all, but I'm only doing this for me. I just have to keep track of the ones I have taken and probably post them somewhere at some point to prove I've done it.




1. Safety
2. Stale
3. Feathered
4. Hot
5. Open
6. Forever
7. Love
8. Touch
9. Colorless
10. Blue
11. Smell
12. Growth
13. Irony
14. Wrong
15. More
16. Feel
17. Muse
18. Child
19. Within
20. Pale
21. Earth
22. Torn
23. Scars
24. Stray
25. Drops
26. Against
27. Dry
28. Fresh
29. Covered
30. Bold
31. High
32. Shadow
33. Concrete
34. Vein
35. Rush
36. Yellow
37. Empty
38. Cliché
39. Central
40. Loss
41. Wonder
42. Sweet
43. Poetry
44. Heavy
45. Fall
46. Chair
47. Statue
48. Kool-Aid
49. Dark
50. Breath
51. Garbage
52. Silk
53. Teacher
54. Cream
55. Wash
56. Corner
57. Rose
58. Field
59. Two
60. Red
61. Music
62. Rope
63. Decrepit
64. Chase
65. Dream
66. Dance
67. Smile
68. Smirk
69. Reflection
70. Soul
71. Lock
72. Key
73. Rust
74. Find
75. Lose
76. Drag
77. Wind
78. Rest
79. Swing
80. Meeting
81. Vacant
82. Hazy
83. Release
84. Gather
85. Swarm
86. Road
87. Wait
88. Stand
89. Distance
90. Trapped
91. Desk
92. Detach
93. Shatter
94. Home
95. Shy
96. Tackle
97. Begin
98. End
99. Time
100. Life

I've been thinking about what I want to do for each picture, but I have another goal to take 5 pics a day for a month. So I think I'm going to take a ton of pictures, and see which ones can fit for the 100 snapshots as well, then try to fill in ones I'm missing. Ah, the joy of a digital camera. I remember a time when it would have cost me an arm and leg to develop the massive amounts of photos I used to take. And that was back when I was restrained!

But I think I'm going to start taking pictures soon. Just because it's halfway through October and that's one of my favorite times of year. Might as well get snap happy now!

Why is it?

Why is it that when winter hits, I find myself thinking about gardening? It's the wrong time of year to be thinking about planting things in the back yard, or of buying seeds for the window boxes I have out front. Yet here I am thinking that it would be nice to buy a few white and purple flowers for the window boxes, and wondering if we could possibly get that hole in my back yard fixed to start planting things out there.

I don't know what i want to plant in the backyard, and I'm certainly not someone who has a green thumb. I think I kill plants. Digging in the dirt isn't exactly something that makes me happy. It isn't something that I actually enjoy. I find it dirty, icky and generally hot and sweaty. Add on the fact I believe anything I plant is going to just up and die, and I have no idea why I'm so keen on planting anything in the first place.

I couldn't even keep the plant in a pot that my mother gave me, alive. I killed it. Actually, them. She's given me more than one. I kill green things. Go me. But still I'm sitting here wondering if I could plant something in the planters. Purple is certainly a color I want to use.

But it's Autumn. It's not the time to be thinking about planting things in the front or back yards. It's not time for me to be thinking about kinds of plants or colors, and certainly not the time for me to be wondering if I could open Google and start a list of plants to look into buying come Spring.

Cleaning we will go!

Spent today doing all kinds of things. Went to a free sale, really more like an exchange, with Mur and Dig, and the Bug. We went and looked at clothes, found a ton of things for Bug to wear, a few things for Mur and Dig, and even one or two things for me. Score! After, we came home and Hubby and I hit the dollar stores, and picked up a few boxes of clothing from the storage unit, so I can go through them. I will probably make a few boxes for the next free sale, and then start switching winter and summer clothing, since it's now getting cold here. In all, the 7 boxes we brought home won't last long. They will get sorted into keeping, donating, and restoring fairly quickly.

But perhaps the coolest thing of all was the fact we started cleaning my bedroom. It had gotten pretty congested in there. Boxes of clothing, dirty clothes waiting to go down to be washed, clean clothes waiting to be put away. and the ever growing pile of stuff. Pens, books, candles, and the odd thing here and there. It had gotten so I couldn't walk in the room without tripping anymore.

So we cleaned it. Now I not only can walk, I have floor space again. And, I have night stand tops semi clean, and looking pretty.

But my favorite change of all happens to be one that flies in the face of everything I've seen on design shows. Every show I've seen says not to do what we just did. We took the horrible sliding doors off the closet. Seriously, those things were damn annoying. Slide one way to see the hubby's side, slide another to see mine, and you never can quite get at the middle. And the closet was dark. Like, you couldn't see what you were pulling out until you'd pulled it out and then half the time, you were all "Well, that's not what I wanted."

Now, it's open and bright, and I can see everything, get to everything, and I can tell at a glance what I might want to wear. I really love it.

Sorry design shows, but this is one girl who really does want her closet doorless.

But, we did keep the doors, for when we think about selling the house. You know, when we are 50 something and looking at retiring somewhere warm. We can put them back up then.

719 days left, and counting

I'm up to 17% done on my 101 list.
I'm feeling pretty good about it this time around. I mean, last time I tried this I think I got 23 things done before I stopped, mostly because I lost the drive. This time I really want to finish this. I have the feeling that I never finish anything I start. Which isn't completely true because I've already finished 17 things on the list. So I can finish some things. But the big things? I feel like I never finish those. So doing all 101 things on time is important to me. It means I can finish things I start, not once, not twice, but 101 times. It means I can do small steps to finish the big ones. It means I can do what I set out to get done. It means I won't always fail, so there is a reason to try.

As I said before, some things are specific to times of the year, so I have to wait to do them. It gives me something to look forward to. I'm halfway afraid I'm going to push things off and run out of time. I keep thinking, there's time. But eventually that won't be the case. So I am trying to keep ahead of the game. To make sure I get things done while I can, and not wait until later. So I guess I'm trying to work on my tendency to procrastinate as well.

Wish me luck. I'm really pushing through this. I know 719 days seems like a lot, but it isn't when you have 83 items left to do, and some of them are 3-5 months in length.

NaNoWriMo is coming

No, it's not something like the Great Pumpkin. Nation Novel Writers Month, is November. It's this thing where you write 50k words during the month of November. It's a challenge. You have to write the novel during the month, not before and not after. It is supposed to get people writing, being creative. You load the novel to the website and it counts the words, then it deletes it. It's not about who's better or who wrote the better book. It's just about doing it.
Which in theory could help people open up and just write, if they aren't concerned about someone actually will read the book. For me, I can write about whatever I want, and know no one is going to judge it. At the same time, I can write like someone is going to read it at some point.

I've decided to try and write on my WoD storyline. I want to work my way through the plot from beginning to end and figure out how to run people through it. Mike has been asking me to run another round of my J&H storyline. He enjoyed it, and I did too. But the issue I was having was that I didn't know how to get someone from start to end. I was expecting them to figure things out. I am hoping if I write it out and figure it out for myself, that I can walk others through it.

I have to figure out a name for the main Character. I haven't found one I'm comfortable with yet. I think it's because of the way I'm going about this, using characters I already created to fill in all the other places. I'm having a hard time finding someone who will fit into the picture. And a name helps create the image of the person, so a Jenny is a different image of a person in my head than a Heather. I just have to find the name that creates the image of a person that fits with the rest of the cast in my head.

I also think I'm going to run this from the WtA aspect of the storyline, rather than the VtM side, since Mike wants to play a VtM side. If I work everything from the Garou side, it gives me an idea of not only how to go from start to finish, but what to toss in on Vampire play from the Garou side of things. The idea of the SL was that the Wolves and Vamps would have to bite the bullet and work together to get the positive ending. So by writing the side that isn't going to be played, I'll have a handle on things from that side when I have to toss them together.

It's a decent idea, and I hope it creates a 50k project. I also hope I can get it done in the month I have. I will try to keep some kind of log as to how I'm doing here as well, provided I have the time. Which means, my posts might slow during November a bit, since I'll be trying to find the time to do my writing between taking care of the Bug and everything else.

Getting ready for this week

So, Tomorrow is Monday and it's back to the work grind for all of us. I have it the easiest.

Today I dropped some of the library books off and picked up a few new ones. I grabbed some on crafts, and some on writing. I'm getting ready for the NaNoWriMo thing and figured a few ideas on beating writer's block wouldn't hurt. I also figured a few craft ideas wouldn't hurt since one of my 101 things to do is a craft project a month for a year. So, since I did some Propnomicon things this month, I figured keep the momentum going.

I also plan on doing some crocheting during the day, since sitting and watching the Bug can get boring. I can only take so much Dora the Explorer before I want to bang my head into a wall. I'm hoping switching between a little crochet and some reading and making notes for NaNoWriMo will keep me sane this week.

Like I said, I have it the easiest.

Pay day Weekend Hurrah!

So, I got paid, and Mur and I went out and spent a good part of our cash. I bought things I've been wanting and needing for a while, but didn't want to buy because I didn't want to ask the Hubby for money.

We went to Michael's, and I got some yarn and a crochet hook and can now do my 'crochet for 15 mins 3 times a week for 5 weeks' thing for my 101. I also got some sculpting clay for Mur so she can make me some things. Like I said, she and I have been making things from the Propnomicon for Mike, and I talked her into making me a 'lil cthulu' and possibly some of the other chibis from the video. (youtube adventures of lil cthulu and see what you can get. it's adorable!)

I picked up a few other things at Michael's for decorations, as well as some things for more crafting stuff. Then we hit the Dollar store and I grabbed a few items. Then Mur, Dig and I went to see My Soul To Take, at Movie Tavern. It wasn't too bad.  After that we dropped into BigLots and I grabbed a few more items. Woot for spending!

It was great though, really.

Something that moves me

I tend not to watch the news. It isn't something I find happy or believable most days. I suppose I prefer being an 'ostrich' and putting my head in the sand. And then there are days I am reminded why.

I read something online the other day about a string of gay suicides, and some Mormon high up preaching about how wrong it is to be gay. My immediate response was anger. Seriously? I realize I don't know much about any Christian religion beyond the few years I studied at a Catholic school.  Still, I seem to remember the Bible saying something about loving one another and not judging other people. My anger flared. Of course this is typical, quote the parts of the Bible you see fit, ignore the rest until you need it later.

This sparked a discussion between my roomies and I, about tolerance. Obviously I can't honestly smack someone around verbally and tell them to STFU and turn the other cheek and deal with differences, rather than harping on something they can't stand. Because that's exactly what I'd be doing to them. It's as valid as my father telling me not to smoke while lighting his cigarette. Then again my father followed it up with a "Do as I say not as I do."

After a day, my anger hasn't cooled much. I'm still angry that someone decided to toss gasoline on a fire. Someone felt that it's more important to preach a message of hate, rather than one of love. I think someone needs to re-read the Bible and to decide to listen to the "Love one another" and the anti-hate messages in there.

But rather than rip into the idiots preaching hate, I think right now I'd rather be able to reach the people who really need it. The young kids out there who need to know, life might be hard, but there are people who care, even if you haven't met them yet.

To you I would like to say, I know life can be hard. I know there's times when you want everything to just stop. To have the pain and hurt be over. I know what it is like to just want to make it all stop so you don't feel the pain, can't hear the words, and the darkness wrapped around your heart stops choking you. Everyone offers advice, and you just want to smack them, or shove their face into a wall. When they tell you things will get better and you laugh, telling them 'yeah right'. When someone says 'I've been there' and you flip them off and tell them they can't understand your pain. When someone says, 'It will get better' and you just want to slam a door in their face.

I've heard that all before. I've felt those things. But here I am, almost 20 years later. I still have my moments, I still have the dark demons. But I have a lot of good moments too. I've done things with my life that I'm proud of. And some I'm not. But the fact is, I'm here to make my own mark, and my own mistakes.

Of all the GLBT people I know, every one of them is a strong, wonderful, vibrant person. Every one of them has done something that I look at and go 'Wow, I wish I had the talent, energy, strength, or intelligence to do that." No lie. Every GLBT person I know has done something to make me want to be a better person. They make me wish I had half their flare, half their drive, half their talent. I look at my friends and I'm proud to know them. I'm thankful they are part of my life. I'm a little jealous of their sparkle,  but they always make me feel better about myself. And not in that standing next to someone so I look better way. In that, these people are so wonderful and they count me as a friend, so I can't be as horrible as I feel, way.

Don't let someone take your sparkle. Don't let someone snuff out that brilliance simply because they cannot hang, or handle it, or understand it. Life is tough. Life has a crapton of rough spots. I won't lie and say it's all peaches and raspberry truffles or something. It's a lot of sandpaper and needle-and-thread kinda rough. It's bumpy. It's occasionally smelly. It isn't all glamour.

But I am a firm believer in that's why the GLBT community is here. To shake up the dull and boring, to challenge the hiding masses who think it's safer if we never pop out heads out of the sand. You're here to be something wonderful, even if it's just to one or two of your friends who really need you to keep their own lives sane and brilliant. Even if it's to challenge a few insignificant people to be more than just ostriches hiding from the world. You might not cure cancer, but you might, 20 years down the road, find out you're someone's inspiration for being a better person. They might never cure cancer either, but they might pass some of that brilliance on to someone else. Good change, the permanent non-fad kind, takes a long time to find it's roots. they have to run deep so some strong wind cannot uproot that change and undo all that hard work.

Don't give up. Don't give in.
Please, continue to shine.
Even if you don't know us, even if you haven't met us yet, there really are people out there who give a shit about you. People who need you. People who are waiting to meet you.
Live. Inspire. Change one person.

Prove the assholes wrong.

Thou shalt not worry

So, I'm not supposed to worry about the bills and shit, because my hubby has it all taken care of. Do you hear the lack of confidence in my voice? Oh, wait... Do you see the lack of confidence in my words? No? Well, I love him, don't get me wrong. But I'm just worried. I'm concerned we're cutting things too damn close and he's not figuring on that. Sure, we're supposed to get a little help from Mur and Dig, but at the same time, they are still trying to catch up as well. So how much help can they give?

But he tells me he has it all taken care of. So I should trust him and not worry, right? I shouldn't be concerned that the Electric bill is higher this month than last, by almost double. I should not worry that he was figuring on moving the mortgage to the 15th, and that the bank cannot do that. Right? I should just chill out and not worry, because what's the worst that can happen? We run out of money and something doesn't get paid, over drafts our account and ruins our credit rating? That's nothing, right?

So, yeah, I'm not supposed to  worry.

DIY things are not exactly easy

No matter how clear the walk through seems, or how simple they say it is, it isn't. It's actually kinda difficult doing something the first time.

So, as I said, I started crafting Lovecraft things for a friend. It has not been easy. One walkthrough I had to scrap because it just wasn't working. The cling wrap clung to everything until it was supposed to cling, and then I might as well have used plain paper, no glue or tape or anything, and expected it to just stay in place. Even the simple worm making one wasn't so simple, but at least that I can blame on the fact the stuff I ended up buying wasn't what they suggested, because that stuff wasn't anywhere to be found. So, yes, while it worked, it didn't work as suggested, and I don't know if it will work even after the fact. But at least that one was fun to do. The tentacles were a nightmare.

Still, it is kind of working out, and I'm hoping to have things finished by Friday night one way or another. I just find it odd that the DIY directions weren't as direct or exact as I would have expected.

Lovecraft crafting

So, one goal on my 101 list was to make something from the Propnomicon. They had some really great walkthroughs on making items, and I figured at some point I'd try my hand at something.

When we went to Dave's party, I found out one of Mike's friends is having a birthday soon, and he's a Lovecraft fan. So I mentioned the Propnomicon to Mike. Somehow I got talked into making something off the site for this guy's birthday. So last night the Hubby and I went out and bought all kinds of things, and I started prepping for making items last night. I have 3 different tentacles already made up, I just have to latex them. I also want to make some of the latex worms tonight if I can. I am hoping if I can get the items latexed today and tomorrow, then I can paint them Wednesday, and make the bottles for them Thursday and Friday, and then get them to Mike Saturday.

Cross fingers for me, because I'm crossing my own. I hope I get these done in time :)

Out and about

So, yesterday, last night.. whatever it was... We went out with some friends for a birthday party. We ate at the Texas roadhouse, and it was really good. I got mushroom chicken. So tasty. I was good and ordered a sweet potato and green beans for the sides. Trying to be healthy here. But the green beans came with bacon in it, real bacon, and that sets off my gout, so I didn't get to eat them.

After dinner, we headed to one friend's house and played board games. It was fun. There was one about rats on a sinking ship, then another about Camelot. Then four of the people played another game about Dracula while I did a clue puzzle with one of the others. It went together fast and then we were guessing who the killer was. I liked the puzzle. I forgot how much fun, and also how relaxing, a puzzle can be. I think I need to look into getting a few of these, for when I'm stressing. Might help relax me.

Sadly I'm home now, and cannot quiet my mind enough to sleep. So many things running around. Things I want to do, things I need to do, things I need to buy to do things I need to do. Things I want to get rid of. Things I should replace.

My 101 in 1001 is pressing on my mind, of course. But I might have another goal in sight, thanks to last night. :)

Pay day is delayed

So, Mur got her first check today, and she had promised she would pay me 1/3 of it for watching the Bug while she worked. Now, granted, that's not a lot under most cases, because if she's making $9 an hour, I get $3, which isn't minimum wage. Of course, she's making like $11 before taxes, which probably comes out to less than $9 once they get done.

Anyway, the payday for me was delayed. She owes me. They had car insurance and gas and stuff they had to get, as well as the fact she needed to get a pair of steel toed boots for work. So that ate her whole paycheck right there.

In theory I get paid this week's out of Dig's paycheck next Friday and then she pays me again that same Friday, so I should have a chunk of cash for the first time in a while. It will be nice, since we have so many back bills to catch up on. Like owing my mother for the fence we had to replace. And the dents in our credit cards from having to buy things and pay for things. But Dig's first check might take care of some of that.

Then again, my hubby might be digging us into a deeper and deeper hole. He keeps telling them not to worry to much, since they have to get caught up. Hello love, we have to get caught up too. But he says it will be fine, so I suppose I will believe him. I'm still planning on stashing some cash on the off chance he's wrong. Because my gut tells me, he's missing something big and we're going to end up screwed because of it.

Anyway, the good of it is they are getting paychecks, so we can all start climbing out of the hole we're in. Got to love that!