Deeper Reflections

Part of the Phoenix mentality is that you live, you die, you are reborn. This makes looking back on life important to me. Because even in one life you can be reborn several times.

People naturally do it all the time. Think about the person you are right now. Are you the same person inside, spiritually, morally, ethically, interest wise, intellectually, financially, etc, that you were 10 years ago? 15? 20? More than likely, no. As you look back on your own padt you can see places where you changed. Sometimes we mark these with time stamps like "elementary", "middle school", "high school", "college", and then our "30s" and so on. Maybe for you it was "pre-event" and "post-event".

For me, there is "Oklahoma" (birth to 13),
"High school" (13 to 18), "pre-first marriage" (18 to 25), "first marriage"(2004 to 2011) [notice how I switch to years instead of age? Age stopped mattering around 25 when I turned a quarter of a century old and freaked out... ]
"Divorce" (2011-2012), "post-Divorce" (2012-2015) and "second marriage" (2015-present).

Even in these timeframes I can point out places where who I am evolved. Mini-events that shaped who I became. Like points on a timeline during eras. So are the days of our... Well, you probably know how that goes.

Diaries, or Blogs, can help us look back at events. It doesn't feel like 6 years since I wrote about my mother's donkey dying, but I can look back at the blogs from 2010 and find it. Reading it again I can recall how I felt at that time. I know my writing well enough to pick up on the tone and cues.

I know there are people who come into my life and change me. I learn from them. I adapt. I pick up phrases or habits. I don't realize it until I catch myself repeating something in the same tone or with the same words. And then it becomes part of me. And then sometimes it gets replaced by some other phrase or tone.

It is like reinventing yourself without thinking about it. And as time passes you evolve. But you forget how you evolve until you go back and read things. Revisit your own words.

Reflections

I am a creature of pack nature who is also an introvert. This makes it very difficult for me. I am happiest when left to my own devices, but I need others around me to feel comfortable. I work well in places where there are lots of people leaving me alone to work.

And I live best with others. I have tried living on my own begore and was miserable. So miserable that I spent more time hanging with friends and sleeping on sofas than at my own place. I should have saved money and just had a storage unit and couch surfed.

I also tried living with one other person but if I was home by myself and they were at work, it was the same issue. Double issue if I was alone at night. So I was always up at night and asleep during the day to ease the stress. But it didn't get rid of it.

My first relief came when I had several roommates. My parents were against it but I was finally in a happy little nest. Everyone had different schedules so someone was always around when I was. I never got bothered because everyone was doing their own thing. I had found bliss.

Fast forward to today. I am married. We own a mortgage on a condo. Just a 2 bedroom thing. But there are four of us here. Two couples. One set to each bedroom. And again I am happy. Everyone does their thing, but we also do some meals and double dates together. I am never alone. I am happy in my nest.

Some people are happy in a nest of one. Others in a nest of specific members (spouse and children). I would be happy in a house of 30 friends and family just doing their thing and maybe sharing a few meals and some event nights (movie night, game night, ect)

It is a good life, when you find your nest. It is something worth holding on to.