So, yesterday morning, I was in one of the chatroom I RP in. One of the chatters, Robin, was checking her FB stuff and noticed something about another chatter, Scher.
Now, I only knew Scher/ Scheri in passing on the chatrooms. I don't think I ever had the pleasure of RPing with her directly, but I know I'd seen her posts. I know enough to know that she was a good person and a great RPer and she will be missed. And I'm sad that I won't get the chance to know her better or RP with her.
Apparently, yesterday morning, she passed away from a clot that was in her lungs. This I found out from both Tig and Gray. There's alot of sad people right now. And even if I didn't know her that well, I'm still saddened by her loss. I'm never sure what to say at these times, and even here, where it's mostly to myself, I have no idea what to say. I mean, nothing I say is going to change things. I can't say anything to the people who are hurting, and missing her right now, because my words aren't going to make that go away. Nor should they.
To her family and friends all I can say is, my heart goes out to you. I know this is a sad time, and I share in your sadness.
To Scheri, you will be missed darling. May you be at peace.
Friday, December 10, 2010
Sunday, December 5, 2010
Dreams
I don't normally write my dreams down anymore. Not because I don't think they mean anything, but because I can usually work out what they are telling me before they fade from my mind.
This one... not so much.
I remember walking into a house, a house I've seen in my dreams about a dozen times, in various parts. Meaning, today we were in the living room. Before, I've seen the back hall, or a staircase, or the kitchen. I always know it's the same house. This was no different. We were in the living room, and my mother was there, moving around. My Aunt JoAnn was there, sitting. Mom kept pointing to things, like pictures and vases and things. I'd never seen any of them before, in dreams or real life. She pointed up at this glass filled to the brim with red liquid and said something about it being left there, and asked me (the tallest one there) to get it down. It was a stretch, and the glass tipped to one side, and my Aunt gasped, but nothing came out. When I held it lower before us, you could see it was one of those gel candles. But I was looking at it, and the container it was in was a large glass goblet, and the rim around the top was chipped and broken, and the sides had long cracks running in it. I set it down, telling this to my mother, who shrugged it off. She was filling though large paintings, in heavy frames, talking to my aunt.
I turned, looking at the mirror on the wall. If you stood at just the right angel in the light, you could see a crack running down it from top to bottom. And I could tell it was top to bottom because at the top there was a discoloration where the crack had started. It was kind of like the mirror had burned slighting, from a candle flame. I told my mother, and she got all sad and started going on about how it couldn't be cracked, and that was just terrible. I remember the words "The mirror cracked from side to side" ran through my head in the dream. I also remember thinking it looked a little like the mirror my mother has in her entryway, only bigger and with something decorative around the outside of the glass, before the plane green wood frame. So it was the only thing I recognized, somewhat.
Then my mother pulled me over to this really large painting. It had to have been about 6 feet by 6 feet plus a frame. It was blue and white, a winter scene I think. Then it changed. It was still in blues and whites, but with more gray, and it was a painting of the inside of a room, with a large fireplace, and there was an old man sitting with a few kids around him. I said "That looks a little like this room". She shushed me and looked at my Aunt, who was sitting nearby. She said "Yes, I suppose it does, but it's Aunt JoAnn's childhood forgotten teacup house." I had no idea what that meant. When I looked back at the picture, it had changed again to a cemetery scene, with the large Angel sculpture, or a large Mary (couldn't tell) and a few statue children gathered around. And then Mom handed me this strange wooded object. It looked like an old wooden nut cracker she had when I was little, which looks a little like the wooden 'bucket' for a ball and bucket toy. Only the one in my dream was an open eight. Two circles pressed together where they both had some missing, if that makes sense. And when you turned the handle, the top turned the other way.
I remember she told me something (which I heard clearly in the dream and it's fading now) about following it to the answers. She followed me outside and said something about my dad waiting on the other end with the answers.
I also remember that the mood turned very ominous at that point. Mom was frowning, and Aunt JoAnn was sitting with her head down, rubbing her fingers, like my grandmother used to do. I nodded and started up the stone covered street toward a hill.
That was the dream, strange as it is. I have no idea what it means.
This one... not so much.
I remember walking into a house, a house I've seen in my dreams about a dozen times, in various parts. Meaning, today we were in the living room. Before, I've seen the back hall, or a staircase, or the kitchen. I always know it's the same house. This was no different. We were in the living room, and my mother was there, moving around. My Aunt JoAnn was there, sitting. Mom kept pointing to things, like pictures and vases and things. I'd never seen any of them before, in dreams or real life. She pointed up at this glass filled to the brim with red liquid and said something about it being left there, and asked me (the tallest one there) to get it down. It was a stretch, and the glass tipped to one side, and my Aunt gasped, but nothing came out. When I held it lower before us, you could see it was one of those gel candles. But I was looking at it, and the container it was in was a large glass goblet, and the rim around the top was chipped and broken, and the sides had long cracks running in it. I set it down, telling this to my mother, who shrugged it off. She was filling though large paintings, in heavy frames, talking to my aunt.
I turned, looking at the mirror on the wall. If you stood at just the right angel in the light, you could see a crack running down it from top to bottom. And I could tell it was top to bottom because at the top there was a discoloration where the crack had started. It was kind of like the mirror had burned slighting, from a candle flame. I told my mother, and she got all sad and started going on about how it couldn't be cracked, and that was just terrible. I remember the words "The mirror cracked from side to side" ran through my head in the dream. I also remember thinking it looked a little like the mirror my mother has in her entryway, only bigger and with something decorative around the outside of the glass, before the plane green wood frame. So it was the only thing I recognized, somewhat.
Then my mother pulled me over to this really large painting. It had to have been about 6 feet by 6 feet plus a frame. It was blue and white, a winter scene I think. Then it changed. It was still in blues and whites, but with more gray, and it was a painting of the inside of a room, with a large fireplace, and there was an old man sitting with a few kids around him. I said "That looks a little like this room". She shushed me and looked at my Aunt, who was sitting nearby. She said "Yes, I suppose it does, but it's Aunt JoAnn's childhood forgotten teacup house." I had no idea what that meant. When I looked back at the picture, it had changed again to a cemetery scene, with the large Angel sculpture, or a large Mary (couldn't tell) and a few statue children gathered around. And then Mom handed me this strange wooded object. It looked like an old wooden nut cracker she had when I was little, which looks a little like the wooden 'bucket' for a ball and bucket toy. Only the one in my dream was an open eight. Two circles pressed together where they both had some missing, if that makes sense. And when you turned the handle, the top turned the other way.
I remember she told me something (which I heard clearly in the dream and it's fading now) about following it to the answers. She followed me outside and said something about my dad waiting on the other end with the answers.
I also remember that the mood turned very ominous at that point. Mom was frowning, and Aunt JoAnn was sitting with her head down, rubbing her fingers, like my grandmother used to do. I nodded and started up the stone covered street toward a hill.
That was the dream, strange as it is. I have no idea what it means.
Thursday, December 2, 2010
Sugar mice and Catnip Dreams
So I've been off Facebook for a decent part of the day. And I log in to see an update from Aspen's mom, about "I will Miss 2 ton (Oasis)"... Now, Oasis is the name of one of Aspen's cats. And so I click over to Aspen's page.
"Oasis passed in his sleep last night. He was 11 years old. He was buried this morning."- Aspen.
I remember when Aspen and I went to pick up the kittens, Oasis and Taz. I was going to take Taz and he was going to take Oasis.. and well, they loved each other so much we couldn't seperate them. So they stayed with him, and I was going to help out and.. eventually Aspen took them both. Which was probably for the best.
11 years... I can't believe it. That means it was 11 years ago I was living in that dinky apartment in Rye. So many memories of sleeping on Aspen's couch with the cats curled on me. (Because that dinky apartment didn't allow me to have cats, and I needed to get my kitty fix somewhere and going to my folks at 10pm wasn't an option).
I will miss Oasis. I might not have seen him in a while, but I have memories of him and he was a sweet cat.
As close as he and his brother were, I hope Taz does okay.
And I hope Aspen is okay. I know he loves his kitties.
I think I have some pictures of Oasis somewhere. I will have to look them up and see.
"Oasis passed in his sleep last night. He was 11 years old. He was buried this morning."- Aspen.
I remember when Aspen and I went to pick up the kittens, Oasis and Taz. I was going to take Taz and he was going to take Oasis.. and well, they loved each other so much we couldn't seperate them. So they stayed with him, and I was going to help out and.. eventually Aspen took them both. Which was probably for the best.
11 years... I can't believe it. That means it was 11 years ago I was living in that dinky apartment in Rye. So many memories of sleeping on Aspen's couch with the cats curled on me. (Because that dinky apartment didn't allow me to have cats, and I needed to get my kitty fix somewhere and going to my folks at 10pm wasn't an option).
I will miss Oasis. I might not have seen him in a while, but I have memories of him and he was a sweet cat.
As close as he and his brother were, I hope Taz does okay.
And I hope Aspen is okay. I know he loves his kitties.
I think I have some pictures of Oasis somewhere. I will have to look them up and see.
Wednesday, December 1, 2010
Nano's over
So as I write this, it's not exactly over. But I'm anticipating it being over soon. Dec. 1st isnt't hat far away. I'm not even done with the novel for this year. I'm not even halfway done. But I'm not going to finish it. I realize this. It's kind of depressing because it means I wrote for all of November for nothing. I have 186k in words that go nowhere. And even if I write all of December, it's probably not going to do any good. I don't have something I and entery my counts into, something I can chart my progress on. I'm not going to be able to see how i'm doing or how I've done. That part is what keeps me excited. I can see I've done 7k words today or only 3k words today. The days I've gotten 10k are awesome.
I'm already looking forward to next year. I know some people are all anti-Nano. That's fine. I do it for different reason than other people anyway. I do it for me. I do it to challenge myself. I'm not looking to publish, and I'm not looking to write something wonderful. I'm looking to see how much I can and do write every day.
But next year I want to do a different story. I don't want to continue this one. For one, I hope this one will be finsihed by next nano. For two, I think if I tried to continue it I'd have a hard time not going back and counting this word count. And then what happens if 12k in, it's over? Seriously.
So I want a different story for next year. Something I can write starting at the beginning again.
I have a few ideas.
I could do Alyn and Kiara.
I could do Nonna
I could do Wren and Nathan
I could do Babette again, seeing as I lost all of her stuff.
I could do Nicolette.
I could do Claire but I don't know if I'd get 50k out of her.
I could do something new. I just don't know what right now.
Oh well, I'll figure it our next year.
I'm already looking forward to next year. I know some people are all anti-Nano. That's fine. I do it for different reason than other people anyway. I do it for me. I do it to challenge myself. I'm not looking to publish, and I'm not looking to write something wonderful. I'm looking to see how much I can and do write every day.
But next year I want to do a different story. I don't want to continue this one. For one, I hope this one will be finsihed by next nano. For two, I think if I tried to continue it I'd have a hard time not going back and counting this word count. And then what happens if 12k in, it's over? Seriously.
So I want a different story for next year. Something I can write starting at the beginning again.
I have a few ideas.
I could do Alyn and Kiara.
I could do Nonna
I could do Wren and Nathan
I could do Babette again, seeing as I lost all of her stuff.
I could do Nicolette.
I could do Claire but I don't know if I'd get 50k out of her.
I could do something new. I just don't know what right now.
Oh well, I'll figure it our next year.
Tuesday, November 30, 2010
Last day of Nano
So, it's the last day. Last push for words.
Denver and Glasgow had a word war going.
So far Denver is winning.
It's 2pm in Glasgow, and so they can still come back from behind. And JS can still bump her word count. But ...
Denver: 22,289 per Wrimo with wordcount
Glasgow: 21,907 per Wrimo with wordcount
Me: 204,616 words
JS: 201,334 words
I'm going to try for one large big run at this book this morning, and then tonight I can try to bump the word count if I need to for beating JS. I shouldn't be this competitive, but give I still have half a story to write, I don't think it's going to be hard for me to write.
And the more I get done now, the less I have to do later. Right?
Denver and Glasgow had a word war going.
So far Denver is winning.
It's 2pm in Glasgow, and so they can still come back from behind. And JS can still bump her word count. But ...
Denver: 22,289 per Wrimo with wordcount
Glasgow: 21,907 per Wrimo with wordcount
Me: 204,616 words
JS: 201,334 words
I'm going to try for one large big run at this book this morning, and then tonight I can try to bump the word count if I need to for beating JS. I shouldn't be this competitive, but give I still have half a story to write, I don't think it's going to be hard for me to write.
And the more I get done now, the less I have to do later. Right?
Monday, November 29, 2010
Things I did this Nano, for Next year
So I'm avoiding typing on my Novel for this morning. I don't know why. Maybe I'm not awake enough. I certainly don't hear people knocking around in my head saying 'But what do we do about the dead bodies in the living room?' or 'He can't get away with that, can he?'
There's a few things I did this nano that I want to remember for next Nano.
1- I set up a cool place to write. This year is was the bedroom, with a cool comforter that makes the room somehow feel like a bed and breakfast. I got everything sort of cleaned, and I was able to sit comfortably and type without interruption. The problem I ran into was after a while, I was too comfy and falling asleep. I think next year I should probably set up a desk or something somewhere where I won't be bothered every twenty minutes to do something or talk to people. The bedroom is still a good idea, but next year, I might have to either switch so I'm writing when I'm not tired, or find a way to avoid falling asleep at the keyboard. I still like the environment. I think this year's colors were blue and white. The comforter is blue and white. I had a blue fancy glass I used for drinking white liquid. Next year if the same colors don't work, I might have to try other colors.
2- Writing more than the 1667 words a day. There were a few down days. but for the most part I supposedly wrote about 7k a day. This has put me near 200k so far, and I'll probably break that today and tomorrow. I'd like to keep this next year, but with a little more consistency. The down days with only 1k or 2k need to stop. I'm fully capable of writing 7k a day, so I should try to keep it even. Or even just aim for 5k a day and no less.
3- Planning in October. I didn't over plan, and maybe under planed just a bit. After all, the story isn't over yet. But then, it's a really large story, and I guess I underestimated how long it was going to be. But being able to get the characters in my head, and do an outline in October meant that when NaNo started I had everything fresh. I was able to dive in and do everything without being burned out on it.
4- Allowing myself to do quick on the spot research. If the need arrived for me to look something up, I allowed myself to search Google for it. I gave myself the first 5 results to find the answer I wanted, and if that proved nothing helpful, I just said 'screw it' and kept typing. If it was really important, I posted to the Nano Forum and that helped me keep going.
5- Having a ritual. This goes back to #1. The cool place to type was part of the ritual. The other part was the glass, the drink, the music. I had everything that I did to set the mood. I knew when I went in there, I had to type. I knew I could have my soda, and only that soda, so it kept the mood. But when i was having that soda, I was typing, not lounging in the living room or out with friends. It kept the mind frame for me.
6- Setting up a playlist ahead of time. I added all kinds of songs, and set it to random. I think I had a 50/50 of music with lyrics and music without. This meant I had some that faded to the background, and kept the mood with their beat and music, and then I had some that set the mood with the lyrics. Also, I put some songs on repeat during certain scenes, because they worked to get me into the mind set. Oh, and headphones. There was nothing more helpful that setting a song on and pressing headphones to my ears to drown out everything else, closing my eyes, and just getting into that zone. It was awesome
7- Turning off the inner editor. This might cause issues later on, but honestly, I found I wrote so much better when I didn't have to look at the underlined words and think 'how's that wrong?'. Being able to just keep going was awesome. typing in notepad was a brilliant idea I had.
8- Typing in notepad. Aside form the above, typing in notepad allowed me to sort of view things in book format. It allowed me to size the screen and look at the text to find short paragraphs and long ones. It allowed me to put different scenes in different save files. It allowed me to have one open to read and one open to write. It allowed me to flip between things when a POV died or a muse for that scene died. It allowed me so much freedom.
9- Going to Write-ins. It feeds the creative and competitive side of me, and if I could get over the fear of talking to new people I think it would help me work out new ideas. I know it's fun, because I do enjoy going. I also get to get out of the house, refresh my thoughts, and eat something. So, while it breaks my routine, it's still cool. If I have the money next year, I want to go to one of the overnights at a hotel or something. Maybe figure out what it would take to do one at the Magnolia. >.> Even if next year I'm not doing the WoD stuff, that would still be cool.
10- Finding someone to 'beat'. As much as I bitch about JS and her word count, she's helped me buckle down and write. Logging in to see I'm 30k behind, not fun. But it makes me type until I catch up and pass her. I enjoy it. I want to rip my hair out half the time, but I still like the moments when I can say 'I passed her!'. Also the war with Glasgow... has helped. I'm usually figuring out how many words I'd have to write to help people catch up if they are being, so that we're still winning. It helps me beat JS and it helps us beat Glasgow. And since both of these are not in Denver, I find I don't have a problem doing th war. It's not like I'm going to come face to face with them and go 'you're going down.' Not that I'd do that to JS... I think I did it to Glasgow however. Which is only fuel for me not eating my words.
11- Hitting the forums in October, and continuing in November. I started in the Adoption forums, and found some lines that helped me find scenes. I found other things too, but mostly it was the lines that got me going. I also found them great for answering questions. I really need to hit them next year. It's been a great help, and now that I know how to bookmark a thread, it's easier getting back to it.
12- Doing a cover. I asked for a cover from someone, and I'm hoping she gets to it. However, I went ahead and made myself one. I can look at it when I need inspiration. It's great. Also, I have all the pictures for the characters, so when I have to think about them, and who they are and how they would react, I can pull up a picture, and look at it for a while, until I get them in my head. Oh, and the background for my laptop. It's a nice picture, with the word count goals on it. Mind you, I blew passed it in a heartbeat, and if I do 5k or 7k next year I'll need to make a new one. But, it's still an awesome background.
13- Notebook and voice recorder. Since I wasn't allowed to write anything down before the 1st, I took the voice recorder and recorded things. It allowed me to talk things out, make notes for later, and get things worked into my head by repeating them. Also, the notebook. Even if I haven't used half the book and probably won't, it gave me a place to write things down, work things out and organize. I even could keep track of all the notepad docs and their word counts for each reference later. It's been nice.
Okay, that's all I can think of at this time. I probably will come up with more, but these are the ones I really want to make sure I do again next year.
There's a few things I did this nano that I want to remember for next Nano.
1- I set up a cool place to write. This year is was the bedroom, with a cool comforter that makes the room somehow feel like a bed and breakfast. I got everything sort of cleaned, and I was able to sit comfortably and type without interruption. The problem I ran into was after a while, I was too comfy and falling asleep. I think next year I should probably set up a desk or something somewhere where I won't be bothered every twenty minutes to do something or talk to people. The bedroom is still a good idea, but next year, I might have to either switch so I'm writing when I'm not tired, or find a way to avoid falling asleep at the keyboard. I still like the environment. I think this year's colors were blue and white. The comforter is blue and white. I had a blue fancy glass I used for drinking white liquid. Next year if the same colors don't work, I might have to try other colors.
2- Writing more than the 1667 words a day. There were a few down days. but for the most part I supposedly wrote about 7k a day. This has put me near 200k so far, and I'll probably break that today and tomorrow. I'd like to keep this next year, but with a little more consistency. The down days with only 1k or 2k need to stop. I'm fully capable of writing 7k a day, so I should try to keep it even. Or even just aim for 5k a day and no less.
3- Planning in October. I didn't over plan, and maybe under planed just a bit. After all, the story isn't over yet. But then, it's a really large story, and I guess I underestimated how long it was going to be. But being able to get the characters in my head, and do an outline in October meant that when NaNo started I had everything fresh. I was able to dive in and do everything without being burned out on it.
4- Allowing myself to do quick on the spot research. If the need arrived for me to look something up, I allowed myself to search Google for it. I gave myself the first 5 results to find the answer I wanted, and if that proved nothing helpful, I just said 'screw it' and kept typing. If it was really important, I posted to the Nano Forum and that helped me keep going.
5- Having a ritual. This goes back to #1. The cool place to type was part of the ritual. The other part was the glass, the drink, the music. I had everything that I did to set the mood. I knew when I went in there, I had to type. I knew I could have my soda, and only that soda, so it kept the mood. But when i was having that soda, I was typing, not lounging in the living room or out with friends. It kept the mind frame for me.
6- Setting up a playlist ahead of time. I added all kinds of songs, and set it to random. I think I had a 50/50 of music with lyrics and music without. This meant I had some that faded to the background, and kept the mood with their beat and music, and then I had some that set the mood with the lyrics. Also, I put some songs on repeat during certain scenes, because they worked to get me into the mind set. Oh, and headphones. There was nothing more helpful that setting a song on and pressing headphones to my ears to drown out everything else, closing my eyes, and just getting into that zone. It was awesome
7- Turning off the inner editor. This might cause issues later on, but honestly, I found I wrote so much better when I didn't have to look at the underlined words and think 'how's that wrong?'. Being able to just keep going was awesome. typing in notepad was a brilliant idea I had.
8- Typing in notepad. Aside form the above, typing in notepad allowed me to sort of view things in book format. It allowed me to size the screen and look at the text to find short paragraphs and long ones. It allowed me to put different scenes in different save files. It allowed me to have one open to read and one open to write. It allowed me to flip between things when a POV died or a muse for that scene died. It allowed me so much freedom.
9- Going to Write-ins. It feeds the creative and competitive side of me, and if I could get over the fear of talking to new people I think it would help me work out new ideas. I know it's fun, because I do enjoy going. I also get to get out of the house, refresh my thoughts, and eat something. So, while it breaks my routine, it's still cool. If I have the money next year, I want to go to one of the overnights at a hotel or something. Maybe figure out what it would take to do one at the Magnolia. >.> Even if next year I'm not doing the WoD stuff, that would still be cool.
10- Finding someone to 'beat'. As much as I bitch about JS and her word count, she's helped me buckle down and write. Logging in to see I'm 30k behind, not fun. But it makes me type until I catch up and pass her. I enjoy it. I want to rip my hair out half the time, but I still like the moments when I can say 'I passed her!'. Also the war with Glasgow... has helped. I'm usually figuring out how many words I'd have to write to help people catch up if they are being, so that we're still winning. It helps me beat JS and it helps us beat Glasgow. And since both of these are not in Denver, I find I don't have a problem doing th war. It's not like I'm going to come face to face with them and go 'you're going down.' Not that I'd do that to JS... I think I did it to Glasgow however. Which is only fuel for me not eating my words.
11- Hitting the forums in October, and continuing in November. I started in the Adoption forums, and found some lines that helped me find scenes. I found other things too, but mostly it was the lines that got me going. I also found them great for answering questions. I really need to hit them next year. It's been a great help, and now that I know how to bookmark a thread, it's easier getting back to it.
12- Doing a cover. I asked for a cover from someone, and I'm hoping she gets to it. However, I went ahead and made myself one. I can look at it when I need inspiration. It's great. Also, I have all the pictures for the characters, so when I have to think about them, and who they are and how they would react, I can pull up a picture, and look at it for a while, until I get them in my head. Oh, and the background for my laptop. It's a nice picture, with the word count goals on it. Mind you, I blew passed it in a heartbeat, and if I do 5k or 7k next year I'll need to make a new one. But, it's still an awesome background.
13- Notebook and voice recorder. Since I wasn't allowed to write anything down before the 1st, I took the voice recorder and recorded things. It allowed me to talk things out, make notes for later, and get things worked into my head by repeating them. Also, the notebook. Even if I haven't used half the book and probably won't, it gave me a place to write things down, work things out and organize. I even could keep track of all the notepad docs and their word counts for each reference later. It's been nice.
Okay, that's all I can think of at this time. I probably will come up with more, but these are the ones I really want to make sure I do again next year.
Saturday, November 27, 2010
Design change!
So I liked the old design, but I'm trying out something new. I found this and thought it was cool. I might change the colors a bit but today seemed like a dark gray day!
I know this sucks as a post, but deal with it. I'm still writing.
I know this sucks as a post, but deal with it. I'm still writing.
nano Ate my soul
I finally understand how this can happen.
You get up, you plan out the day's writing. You think about where your characters are supposed to go and how to get them there.
You sit down to write. Your fingers start moving, the words forming in your head as certianly as if you're typing an email to someone or a blog. And somwhere along the line, you hit a zone where you're not sure what you're typing but it's flowing and you go with the flow. And then, at the end of the day you look over your typed words, make sure that you hit what you needed to do, where you are, and what you have to do for tomorrow. You make some notes, and then update your word count and go to bed.
Or at least, that's how it works in theory. In practice? Not so much. Let me replay that in real life for you.
You get up, you plan out the day's writing. You think about where your characters are supposed to go and how to get them there.
You sit down to write. Your fingers start moving, the words forming in your head as certianly as if you're typing an email to someone or a blog. And somwhere along the line, you hit a zone where you're not sure what you're typing but it's flowing and you go with the flow. And then, at the end of the day you look over your typed words, make sure that you hit what you needed to do, where you are, and what you have to do for tomorrow. You find you haven't done a single thing that you set out to do that day, and that your characters are no closer to the finished goal than they were the day before. You ask 'WTF?' and you read over everything, realizing they took your outline, cut each line of it out, jumbled it together and spit it out in a new form they feel is 'much better'. At this point you realize you've lost control of your novel. You make some notes for how to get back on track the next day, where you want it to try and go, and what not to do more of. Then update your word count and go to bed. You hear your characters plotting in your head how to derail your notes for the next day, and how they're going to take over the novel as you drift off to a fitful sleep.
In the morning, you plan for the first, but again you end up with the second.
I'm at about 180k right now in Novel. That's fantastic. Or it would be if I was mostly done. I'd settle for halfway done. But no.. my characters are avoiding the middle of the story like it's molten silver. They're doing everything they aren't supposed to be doing (like falling in love in a HORROR story) and they're doing nothing they are supposed to be doing.
this is not the story I sat down and started to write.
This is not the plan I made.
This is 180k of something far different. It's driven by the characters, or the muse if you will. I have no control over my own novel.
And I'm just OCD enough that this bothers me.
I only have a few days to get back on track, and they are still plotting against me.
Paranoid much?
Yes. Yes I am.
You get up, you plan out the day's writing. You think about where your characters are supposed to go and how to get them there.
You sit down to write. Your fingers start moving, the words forming in your head as certianly as if you're typing an email to someone or a blog. And somwhere along the line, you hit a zone where you're not sure what you're typing but it's flowing and you go with the flow. And then, at the end of the day you look over your typed words, make sure that you hit what you needed to do, where you are, and what you have to do for tomorrow. You make some notes, and then update your word count and go to bed.
Or at least, that's how it works in theory. In practice? Not so much. Let me replay that in real life for you.
You get up, you plan out the day's writing. You think about where your characters are supposed to go and how to get them there.
You sit down to write. Your fingers start moving, the words forming in your head as certianly as if you're typing an email to someone or a blog. And somwhere along the line, you hit a zone where you're not sure what you're typing but it's flowing and you go with the flow. And then, at the end of the day you look over your typed words, make sure that you hit what you needed to do, where you are, and what you have to do for tomorrow. You find you haven't done a single thing that you set out to do that day, and that your characters are no closer to the finished goal than they were the day before. You ask 'WTF?' and you read over everything, realizing they took your outline, cut each line of it out, jumbled it together and spit it out in a new form they feel is 'much better'. At this point you realize you've lost control of your novel. You make some notes for how to get back on track the next day, where you want it to try and go, and what not to do more of. Then update your word count and go to bed. You hear your characters plotting in your head how to derail your notes for the next day, and how they're going to take over the novel as you drift off to a fitful sleep.
In the morning, you plan for the first, but again you end up with the second.
I'm at about 180k right now in Novel. That's fantastic. Or it would be if I was mostly done. I'd settle for halfway done. But no.. my characters are avoiding the middle of the story like it's molten silver. They're doing everything they aren't supposed to be doing (like falling in love in a HORROR story) and they're doing nothing they are supposed to be doing.
this is not the story I sat down and started to write.
This is not the plan I made.
This is 180k of something far different. It's driven by the characters, or the muse if you will. I have no control over my own novel.
And I'm just OCD enough that this bothers me.
I only have a few days to get back on track, and they are still plotting against me.
Paranoid much?
Yes. Yes I am.
Thursday, November 25, 2010
Happy Holiday
I won't say Happy Thanksgiving, for a number of reasons.
One, I think the concept of Thanksgiving, while good, is wrapped in a bunch of things no one ever tells our children.
We say "We celebrate Thanksgiving because the Indians helped the Settlers survive the harsh winters and thus we are thankful."
We never tell them about shooting Indians, or giving them small pox invested blankets to intentionally infect and kill them off so we can take the land. We never mention the progressive drive to make them homeless, corral them like cattle in reservations or the fact that we called them "Red Devils". Now, at Thanksgiving, we dip everything in honey, then sugar coat it and call it candy.
I'm opposed to the hiding of information from young minds. Let them have all the information and then make informed decissions as to how fucked up our ancestors were. Why try to hide it? It only makes us look guilty, and we're only covering up for people who have been dead for how many centuries? Seriously.
Anyways, I do agree the concept is fantastic. I think it's great we have one day in the year where we stop, and tell people how much they mean to us. One day a year where we stop and thank people for doing things, like serving their country, being a cop or firefighter, for being a good person. One day a year where we gather together with family and friends, eat good food and laugh and joke, enjoy each other's company and have a great time.
Because apparently we're too busy/stuck up/elitist bastards/ etc to do it for the rest of the damn year.
Why thank someone for being a good person on November 15th or April 20th? Why tell someone 'Thank you for being a firefighter and keeping us safe' on May 3rd or October 30th? Why tell your family and friends how much they mean to you on Jan 19th or Sept 10th? After all, that's what Thanksgiving is for. Be a dick the rest of the year. It's okay.
((I feel I should point out the sarcasim in that, since apparently it doesn't translate well over the net. ))
The concept is valid. I just think it sucks we only do it once a year. We only allow ourselves to do this one day out of 365 (plus one on leap years). No wonder people are such venomous bastards the rest of the year. We've told ourselves it's okay to be an ass, so long as we're nice come Thanksgiving.
Happy Holidays! Then the next day they try to run you off the roads.
Happy Thanksgiving! Then the next week they're yelling at you over the phone for something.
Happy Turkey Day! :) Then then next month they're punching you out over the last Hannah Montana doll in Toys R Us.
But it's okay, because we're all super nice on Thanksgiving.
How about, we start a novel idea? You know.. once of those wacky, crazy, it will never work but why not give it the old college try ideas?
Here it is.. that idea:
Let's try being nice to each other all year round.
Let's not forget about the homeless guy on the street corner who probably hasn't eatten well since last thanksgiving.
Let's not wait to call up that friend and say 'hey, how are you doing?'
Let's not put off that trip to the family because it's not the holiday and why would you go see them if it's not the holiday, and then come next thanksgiving you've had four funerals and never took the toddler to see their great grandparents.
Let's stop being a society which says 'it can wait until next year' and start being one that says we care year round.
Yeah, it will never work.
Happy Holidays!
One, I think the concept of Thanksgiving, while good, is wrapped in a bunch of things no one ever tells our children.
We say "We celebrate Thanksgiving because the Indians helped the Settlers survive the harsh winters and thus we are thankful."
We never tell them about shooting Indians, or giving them small pox invested blankets to intentionally infect and kill them off so we can take the land. We never mention the progressive drive to make them homeless, corral them like cattle in reservations or the fact that we called them "Red Devils". Now, at Thanksgiving, we dip everything in honey, then sugar coat it and call it candy.
I'm opposed to the hiding of information from young minds. Let them have all the information and then make informed decissions as to how fucked up our ancestors were. Why try to hide it? It only makes us look guilty, and we're only covering up for people who have been dead for how many centuries? Seriously.
Anyways, I do agree the concept is fantastic. I think it's great we have one day in the year where we stop, and tell people how much they mean to us. One day a year where we stop and thank people for doing things, like serving their country, being a cop or firefighter, for being a good person. One day a year where we gather together with family and friends, eat good food and laugh and joke, enjoy each other's company and have a great time.
Because apparently we're too busy/stuck up/elitist bastards/ etc to do it for the rest of the damn year.
Why thank someone for being a good person on November 15th or April 20th? Why tell someone 'Thank you for being a firefighter and keeping us safe' on May 3rd or October 30th? Why tell your family and friends how much they mean to you on Jan 19th or Sept 10th? After all, that's what Thanksgiving is for. Be a dick the rest of the year. It's okay.
((I feel I should point out the sarcasim in that, since apparently it doesn't translate well over the net. ))
The concept is valid. I just think it sucks we only do it once a year. We only allow ourselves to do this one day out of 365 (plus one on leap years). No wonder people are such venomous bastards the rest of the year. We've told ourselves it's okay to be an ass, so long as we're nice come Thanksgiving.
Happy Holidays! Then the next day they try to run you off the roads.
Happy Thanksgiving! Then the next week they're yelling at you over the phone for something.
Happy Turkey Day! :) Then then next month they're punching you out over the last Hannah Montana doll in Toys R Us.
But it's okay, because we're all super nice on Thanksgiving.
How about, we start a novel idea? You know.. once of those wacky, crazy, it will never work but why not give it the old college try ideas?
Here it is.. that idea:
Let's try being nice to each other all year round.
Let's not forget about the homeless guy on the street corner who probably hasn't eatten well since last thanksgiving.
Let's not wait to call up that friend and say 'hey, how are you doing?'
Let's not put off that trip to the family because it's not the holiday and why would you go see them if it's not the holiday, and then come next thanksgiving you've had four funerals and never took the toddler to see their great grandparents.
Let's stop being a society which says 'it can wait until next year' and start being one that says we care year round.
Yeah, it will never work.
Happy Holidays!
Monday, November 15, 2010
Wow... reminder to seek anti-depressants.
So I really do love my friends. I just am amazed at how people tend to post things on facebook without wondering how it might effect the people on their friends list to read it, day after day.
I mean, here's some of my favorites.
Wow! Look how skinny I am!
-- Oops, sorry friends, forgot you're struggling with your self esteem issues and weight problems. Didn't mean to make you feel fat(er).
Holy crap, best strawberry encrusted, strawberry cheesecake with strawberry whipped topping, covered in strawberries!
--Oops, sorry friends, didn't think about the people who are allergic to strawberries.
Hey! We're all going out for BURGERS tonight, so everyone come join us and have fun!
--Oops, sorry to all my friends who are vegetarian or allergic to beef. Looks like I forgot about you.
But my favorite of all time?
The constant posts about how wonderful it is to be a mother.
How proud they are to be a Mom
How they wear the title of Mommy with pride.
Like I needed a daily reminder that my uterus doesn't work right, and I'll never have kids. Thanks guys. Really. Love you too. I'll be the one in the corner digging my veins out with a butter knife, because ya know, it can't hurt any worse.
I really wish sometimes people would think, just a bit. Just a tiny bit.
Oh well. Just one more reminder to try and get on some anti-depressants. Because, you know, I'm supposed to need happy pills just to deal with my friends.
I mean, here's some of my favorites.
Wow! Look how skinny I am!
-- Oops, sorry friends, forgot you're struggling with your self esteem issues and weight problems. Didn't mean to make you feel fat(er).
Holy crap, best strawberry encrusted, strawberry cheesecake with strawberry whipped topping, covered in strawberries!
--Oops, sorry friends, didn't think about the people who are allergic to strawberries.
Hey! We're all going out for BURGERS tonight, so everyone come join us and have fun!
--Oops, sorry to all my friends who are vegetarian or allergic to beef. Looks like I forgot about you.
But my favorite of all time?
The constant posts about how wonderful it is to be a mother.
How proud they are to be a Mom
How they wear the title of Mommy with pride.
Like I needed a daily reminder that my uterus doesn't work right, and I'll never have kids. Thanks guys. Really. Love you too. I'll be the one in the corner digging my veins out with a butter knife, because ya know, it can't hurt any worse.
I really wish sometimes people would think, just a bit. Just a tiny bit.
Oh well. Just one more reminder to try and get on some anti-depressants. Because, you know, I'm supposed to need happy pills just to deal with my friends.
Thursday, November 11, 2010
NaNo update
So it's day 11, and I broke 50k back on the 8th. Go me!
But I'm still writing because the story isn't finished. I'm excited as I watch the characters come to live, and well, some of them are really interesting. I even made a bookcover for the story, not that I'm completely happy with it, but... It's better than nothing.
The white butterfly is on this side of the mirror, and the red one on the other side of the mirror. It's also upside down. And the mirror is cracked, and yes, that's Peacemaker in the mirror. And Annemarie. I'm happy with Annemarie, not so much with the Mirror. It's kinda important, but at the same time I'm thinking of taking Peacemaker out of the mirror. Which is odd given he's been telling most of the damn story. I figure if I go back in Dec and edit, I might add more for AM than him.
Also, yes, I realize that she's AM and he's PM. And I realize Jekyll and Hyde suggest two sides of the same coin, and oh wouldn't it be funny if he was her other side. >.> Stop giving him ideas please!!
Anyway, I'm up to like chapter 11, though the chapters are not really even. I think chapters 1-4 are a full 4 pages *headdesk* Again, it's something I can fix when I go back. I think. I didn't exactly label chapters. So it might not matter. Given I'm not looking at publication, it's not a problem.
'Nyways, it's late and I have to be up in the morning so I'm going to go hit save on the story and go to bed.
But I'm still writing because the story isn't finished. I'm excited as I watch the characters come to live, and well, some of them are really interesting. I even made a bookcover for the story, not that I'm completely happy with it, but... It's better than nothing.
The white butterfly is on this side of the mirror, and the red one on the other side of the mirror. It's also upside down. And the mirror is cracked, and yes, that's Peacemaker in the mirror. And Annemarie. I'm happy with Annemarie, not so much with the Mirror. It's kinda important, but at the same time I'm thinking of taking Peacemaker out of the mirror. Which is odd given he's been telling most of the damn story. I figure if I go back in Dec and edit, I might add more for AM than him.
Also, yes, I realize that she's AM and he's PM. And I realize Jekyll and Hyde suggest two sides of the same coin, and oh wouldn't it be funny if he was her other side. >.> Stop giving him ideas please!!
Anyway, I'm up to like chapter 11, though the chapters are not really even. I think chapters 1-4 are a full 4 pages *headdesk* Again, it's something I can fix when I go back. I think. I didn't exactly label chapters. So it might not matter. Given I'm not looking at publication, it's not a problem.
'Nyways, it's late and I have to be up in the morning so I'm going to go hit save on the story and go to bed.
Wednesday, November 3, 2010
Famous Dave's
So, Mur took me out for a girl's dinner. Just her and I so it kinda felt oddly like a date. LOL. Anyhow, we went to Famous Dave's. This BBQ joint is actually cool enough I wanted to talk about it.
First of all, it felt familiar because it has that lodge decor going on. Moose head, two deer heads, antlers, etc. Not Mur's cup of tea to be stared down by dead animals during a meal, but I'm used to it. So it was comfortable for me, and brought back memories. We ordered and I will say this, the food is wonderful. My chicken was tender, moist, flavorful and came off the bone without a knife. The apples were to die for, the cornbread perfect. The waitress was fantastic. She kept the drinks full, and I didn't even notice her refill mine. She prebused the table as she went, and listened to every question, or request. She was really fantastic. If you go to the Stapleton Famous Dave's see if you can't get Norma for your waitress. *nods*
I'm not big on actual BBQ, so the chicken I ordered was lemon pepper. Still, the BBQ smelled good, and from what Mur says, is just fantastic. Her short rib came off the bone, and she could cut it with a butter knife. I saw it, there was very little fat. So very tender meat there. Almost makes me wish my feet wouldn't try to kill me if I tried a bite or two.
Their mashed sweet potatoes were perhaps the least impressive thing I ordered, and I tried Mur's coleslaw.. I'm still not a coleslaw fan. She, however, says it's the only coleslaw she's enjoyed. So plus there.
On average, if you go, for dinner you're looking at about $12-$18 bucks for your main, your two sides, and cornbread muffin. If you're on a date, try the 1/2 family meal. About $35 if I remember, but there's alot of variety there. Full family meal is like $59, and feeds 4-6 people, depending on how hearty an eater you are. In all, we ordered 3 meals (hers was $19, mine was $12, and I think Dig's take home was $15.) Our whole bill was $52. so for 3 people, about $17 and some change a piece, but Mur ordered the most expensive thing on the menu, so really, it does bump our total cost up a bit.
Will I go back? You betcha. I loved the chicken, and while it's one of only a few things on the menu I could eat, it was that good.
First of all, it felt familiar because it has that lodge decor going on. Moose head, two deer heads, antlers, etc. Not Mur's cup of tea to be stared down by dead animals during a meal, but I'm used to it. So it was comfortable for me, and brought back memories. We ordered and I will say this, the food is wonderful. My chicken was tender, moist, flavorful and came off the bone without a knife. The apples were to die for, the cornbread perfect. The waitress was fantastic. She kept the drinks full, and I didn't even notice her refill mine. She prebused the table as she went, and listened to every question, or request. She was really fantastic. If you go to the Stapleton Famous Dave's see if you can't get Norma for your waitress. *nods*
I'm not big on actual BBQ, so the chicken I ordered was lemon pepper. Still, the BBQ smelled good, and from what Mur says, is just fantastic. Her short rib came off the bone, and she could cut it with a butter knife. I saw it, there was very little fat. So very tender meat there. Almost makes me wish my feet wouldn't try to kill me if I tried a bite or two.
Their mashed sweet potatoes were perhaps the least impressive thing I ordered, and I tried Mur's coleslaw.. I'm still not a coleslaw fan. She, however, says it's the only coleslaw she's enjoyed. So plus there.
On average, if you go, for dinner you're looking at about $12-$18 bucks for your main, your two sides, and cornbread muffin. If you're on a date, try the 1/2 family meal. About $35 if I remember, but there's alot of variety there. Full family meal is like $59, and feeds 4-6 people, depending on how hearty an eater you are. In all, we ordered 3 meals (hers was $19, mine was $12, and I think Dig's take home was $15.) Our whole bill was $52. so for 3 people, about $17 and some change a piece, but Mur ordered the most expensive thing on the menu, so really, it does bump our total cost up a bit.
Will I go back? You betcha. I loved the chicken, and while it's one of only a few things on the menu I could eat, it was that good.
Keep updated.
I suck at embeding things, so this might not work at all, but I was hoping for an easy way to keep updated on my NaNo progress. Unlike other posts, I plan to come pack to this and update as I go. November 1st is Day one, so keep that in mind.
Day 1: 8000 words
Day 2: 9100 total
Day 3: 13480 total
Day 4: 19752 total
Day 5: 23084 total
Day 6: 33377 total
Day 7: 36281 total
Day 8: 52699 total <-- Yes! Broke 50k already!!
Day 9: 61580 total
Day 10: 66482 total
Day 11: 69202 total (so far)
Day 1: 8000 words
Day 2: 9100 total
Day 3: 13480 total
Day 4: 19752 total
Day 5: 23084 total
Day 6: 33377 total
Day 7: 36281 total
Day 8: 52699 total <-- Yes! Broke 50k already!!
Day 9: 61580 total
Day 10: 66482 total
Day 11: 69202 total (so far)
Tuesday, November 2, 2010
Mini-NaNo update.
So I wrote 8k words in NaNo on the first day. Here's day two, and I'm only up to 9K.
Watching Kiki's Delivery with the Bug isn't helping my mindset for a horror story. And then there's the fact that of the 9k, maybe only the last 1k is really set in the world she's in for the rest of the book. I suppose 8k for the set up isn't bad. I had figured 2-3 chapters for it after all.
My biggest stumble right now is keeping it believable for the characters, as to what's going on and how they run into each other. I had a few ideas, but one or the other involved vetoed it, saying it wasn't something they'd do. Damn them both.
Watching Kiki's Delivery with the Bug isn't helping my mindset for a horror story. And then there's the fact that of the 9k, maybe only the last 1k is really set in the world she's in for the rest of the book. I suppose 8k for the set up isn't bad. I had figured 2-3 chapters for it after all.
My biggest stumble right now is keeping it believable for the characters, as to what's going on and how they run into each other. I had a few ideas, but one or the other involved vetoed it, saying it wasn't something they'd do. Damn them both.
Sunday, October 31, 2010
Halloween, Halloween
This is Halloween.
So Mur and I tried to take the Bug trick-or-treating. She didn't seem to get the point (she's only 20 months after all) but even worse, she screamed all the way down the block and back. Nothing made her happy. Dig ended up putting her to bed early. We think she was just tired.
After that, Dig manned the Candy and Mur and I went to get groceries for this week. I have been trying to plan food at the start, shop, and then cook all week. So far so good I think. about $130 for four people for the week. That's not bad, right? That would be like... $65 for two people for a week, which is about what the hubby and I used to spend.
Anyways, we came home and they went to check out this house down across the street that was done up for Halloween. They came back to get me to go look. So I went with Mur and the Hubby while Dig manned candy again. It was decent. About what I might do next year if I'm not inspired to go all goth. There were two guys dressed up and acting like dummies. I walked up to look at the pumpkins and when I walked back one had followed me down the driveway. I turned around and looked at him before saying "Oh hi." Mur was all "Damn and I thought you were a screamer." I told her "I'm just waiting for the other one to move."
So when we went to leave the second one ran up behind me and grabbed me around the waist. Apparently Dig heard me scream all the way back to the house. -_-;
It wasn't my best Halloween. I didn't have any decor up at all. Not one thing. But honestly, I've been so busy I forgot until Friday it was going to be here. And I've been working on NaNo so I haven't been myself. Next year I plan to have tons of decor and as much fun stuff as I can fit into the yard. Hopefully if they are still here, they can help and the Bug will be older. Perhaps next year she won't scream so much.
Speaking of NaNo. I'm almost ready. It starts in 5 mins. I doubt I'm going to start typing tonight. I have to be up at 6am for the bug and everything. IF she sleeps in I should be able to type for a while before she gets up, again when she naps and again after Mur gets home. I should be good with 2 hours a night. I plan to try and get maybe three or four.
I have my playlist build. I have my notes. I have my ideas. I just have to hope it flows into a story.
So Mur and I tried to take the Bug trick-or-treating. She didn't seem to get the point (she's only 20 months after all) but even worse, she screamed all the way down the block and back. Nothing made her happy. Dig ended up putting her to bed early. We think she was just tired.
After that, Dig manned the Candy and Mur and I went to get groceries for this week. I have been trying to plan food at the start, shop, and then cook all week. So far so good I think. about $130 for four people for the week. That's not bad, right? That would be like... $65 for two people for a week, which is about what the hubby and I used to spend.
Anyways, we came home and they went to check out this house down across the street that was done up for Halloween. They came back to get me to go look. So I went with Mur and the Hubby while Dig manned candy again. It was decent. About what I might do next year if I'm not inspired to go all goth. There were two guys dressed up and acting like dummies. I walked up to look at the pumpkins and when I walked back one had followed me down the driveway. I turned around and looked at him before saying "Oh hi." Mur was all "Damn and I thought you were a screamer." I told her "I'm just waiting for the other one to move."
So when we went to leave the second one ran up behind me and grabbed me around the waist. Apparently Dig heard me scream all the way back to the house. -_-;
It wasn't my best Halloween. I didn't have any decor up at all. Not one thing. But honestly, I've been so busy I forgot until Friday it was going to be here. And I've been working on NaNo so I haven't been myself. Next year I plan to have tons of decor and as much fun stuff as I can fit into the yard. Hopefully if they are still here, they can help and the Bug will be older. Perhaps next year she won't scream so much.
Speaking of NaNo. I'm almost ready. It starts in 5 mins. I doubt I'm going to start typing tonight. I have to be up at 6am for the bug and everything. IF she sleeps in I should be able to type for a while before she gets up, again when she naps and again after Mur gets home. I should be good with 2 hours a night. I plan to try and get maybe three or four.
I have my playlist build. I have my notes. I have my ideas. I just have to hope it flows into a story.
Tuesday, October 26, 2010
Why so cold?
Dude.
Why is it, in the summer when I'm dying of heat, 62 is a fantastic temperature to have the house set at. Then come winter, when it's frigging cold outside, 62 has my lips turning blue? Seriously. It makes no sense to me. I'm sitting here wanting to pile on clothing and drink hot coffee because it's so damn cold. But the temperature of the house shouldn't have changed any.
This cold isn't helping me any. I just want to curl up in bed to keep warm, but when I'm there, I get so comfy I want to sleep. Which isn't going to help me with wanting to finish setting up my story for NNWM. I have a lot left to do. Apparently they suggest making an outline. Which would be great if I actually knew where I was going with the story. I mean, I have the start and the end, it's the path between that's not focused. And I've learned with my Cs, that planning the center isn't always smart. They change things on me.
Speaking of, I think I finally figured out my main character for my NaNoWriMo story. I was having issues with her name. She apparently didn't like anything I picked, but last night we came to an agreement on "Annemarie Jacobs". I even got her talking about herself, something I hadn't been able to do. I think this is going to work well. Peacemaker and her should get along fine.
I think when Bug goes down for her nap, I'm going to try editing my wetpaint site and get everyone that's going to be in the book together, and lay out information about them. Probably do a C sheet for them, since I'll have to have which Gifts everyone has in the event they use them.
I'm going to be very unhappy if Annemarie turns out to know more about W:tA than I do. Which sadly, isn't impossible. >.<
Why is it, in the summer when I'm dying of heat, 62 is a fantastic temperature to have the house set at. Then come winter, when it's frigging cold outside, 62 has my lips turning blue? Seriously. It makes no sense to me. I'm sitting here wanting to pile on clothing and drink hot coffee because it's so damn cold. But the temperature of the house shouldn't have changed any.
This cold isn't helping me any. I just want to curl up in bed to keep warm, but when I'm there, I get so comfy I want to sleep. Which isn't going to help me with wanting to finish setting up my story for NNWM. I have a lot left to do. Apparently they suggest making an outline. Which would be great if I actually knew where I was going with the story. I mean, I have the start and the end, it's the path between that's not focused. And I've learned with my Cs, that planning the center isn't always smart. They change things on me.
Speaking of, I think I finally figured out my main character for my NaNoWriMo story. I was having issues with her name. She apparently didn't like anything I picked, but last night we came to an agreement on "Annemarie Jacobs". I even got her talking about herself, something I hadn't been able to do. I think this is going to work well. Peacemaker and her should get along fine.
I think when Bug goes down for her nap, I'm going to try editing my wetpaint site and get everyone that's going to be in the book together, and lay out information about them. Probably do a C sheet for them, since I'll have to have which Gifts everyone has in the event they use them.
I'm going to be very unhappy if Annemarie turns out to know more about W:tA than I do. Which sadly, isn't impossible. >.<
Sunday, October 24, 2010
One week to NaNoWriMo
Last year when I say people talking about this, it was the first I'd heard of it. And they talked about it A LOT. I kept thinking, really? What is so special about it?
It's not so much it's special, or exciting. Though I suppose I am excited, but not for the reasons you might think. For me, the constant pump of NaNoWriMo stuff has been to psych myself up and keep me excited about it. To remind myself I have one week to go before I have to buckle down and write until my fingers bleed so I can make the deadline. It's about keeping the desire there, and not letting it slip where I forget and suddenly Nov 15th I realize, crap... I should have been writing.
I suppose for some people this is special. For me it's the challenge of, can I do this? I'm not looking to write the next great novel. I'm not going to submit this for publication. It's FanFic. That pretty much means no one is going to read it. Which is what I intended. This isn't for anyone else. Just me. Just to say I can. To say I can write 50k words in a month. To say I did it. To prove it is something I could do.
And for some it's exciting. For me it is too, but probably not for the same reasons. For me, I get to test myself. I get to work on a topic I like, and flesh out a storyline I might use with gamers later. I get to expand characters I haven't used in a while, and it's one-sided role-play when you get down to it. And I haven't been able to RP since Mur, Dig and the Bug moved in. Bug keeps me plenty busy. I'm excited to get to be creative once again. And I'm excited to be able to knock one more thing off my list.
With one week to go, I have been doing a bit of research into the setting for the book, looking at google maps and the street views of areas alot so I can get the feel for what's actually in the places my characters will be dropped. It helps to form the pictures in my mind that then get translated into words and hopefully back into pictures. Provided the process works right. *kicks moths out of system*
It's not so much it's special, or exciting. Though I suppose I am excited, but not for the reasons you might think. For me, the constant pump of NaNoWriMo stuff has been to psych myself up and keep me excited about it. To remind myself I have one week to go before I have to buckle down and write until my fingers bleed so I can make the deadline. It's about keeping the desire there, and not letting it slip where I forget and suddenly Nov 15th I realize, crap... I should have been writing.
I suppose for some people this is special. For me it's the challenge of, can I do this? I'm not looking to write the next great novel. I'm not going to submit this for publication. It's FanFic. That pretty much means no one is going to read it. Which is what I intended. This isn't for anyone else. Just me. Just to say I can. To say I can write 50k words in a month. To say I did it. To prove it is something I could do.
And for some it's exciting. For me it is too, but probably not for the same reasons. For me, I get to test myself. I get to work on a topic I like, and flesh out a storyline I might use with gamers later. I get to expand characters I haven't used in a while, and it's one-sided role-play when you get down to it. And I haven't been able to RP since Mur, Dig and the Bug moved in. Bug keeps me plenty busy. I'm excited to get to be creative once again. And I'm excited to be able to knock one more thing off my list.
With one week to go, I have been doing a bit of research into the setting for the book, looking at google maps and the street views of areas alot so I can get the feel for what's actually in the places my characters will be dropped. It helps to form the pictures in my mind that then get translated into words and hopefully back into pictures. Provided the process works right. *kicks moths out of system*
Did some revamps of characters I am using, and tried building the Main C, but she's being stubborn and silent. Which would be fantastic if she was supposed to be stubborn and silent. However, she's not, so it's not exactly fantastic. About ready to shake the ever fictional crud out of her... *fume*
Borrowed a digital voice recorder, and started making note recordings for things I need to look up, ideas for Cs, questions to look into and some ideas for scenes that pop into my brain. In the down moments I then transcribe them to a notepad and add more info as I go. So far it's reminded me I need to rework things a little, and that the roommate's 20 month old really enjoys 'Go Diego!' far too much.
Actually bought a sketch pad because the main C uses one, and I was hoping somehow it would bring her out more. So far, no. No luck.
Cleaned the bedroom, got all the junk off the floor and organized, got things hung up and set up so I have a calm, quite, relaxing place to retreat to write. The cat is currently Quality Checking my comforter for downy softness. So far it seems to pass. He's only rolled over twice. That's a good sign.
Bought pens, pencils, and a notepad for when the muse sputters and tries to die. Figured maybe some old fashioned hand written something or other might shock it back to life.
Bought a large container of water, to drink while chained to the bed and laptop, writing slavishly into the night. Probably should have bought longer chains so I could still reach the bathroom. >.<'
Bought little coffee flavored hard candies for that extra kick in the teeth when needed. I've eaten... half of them so far. Perhaps I should have bought more.
Replaced the bulbs in the bedside lamps, so there's no excuse. I will be able to see what I'm writing, and cannot hide attempts to slack from myself anymore.
Warned people they won't see much of me in November, and not to think I'm dead. Warned the roomies and Hubby to crack the door once in a while to make certain I'm not dead.
I'm certain I've forgotten something important. But that's it so far. Hitting that 'Can't wait to get started' moment.
Borrowed a digital voice recorder, and started making note recordings for things I need to look up, ideas for Cs, questions to look into and some ideas for scenes that pop into my brain. In the down moments I then transcribe them to a notepad and add more info as I go. So far it's reminded me I need to rework things a little, and that the roommate's 20 month old really enjoys 'Go Diego!' far too much.
Actually bought a sketch pad because the main C uses one, and I was hoping somehow it would bring her out more. So far, no. No luck.
Cleaned the bedroom, got all the junk off the floor and organized, got things hung up and set up so I have a calm, quite, relaxing place to retreat to write. The cat is currently Quality Checking my comforter for downy softness. So far it seems to pass. He's only rolled over twice. That's a good sign.
Bought pens, pencils, and a notepad for when the muse sputters and tries to die. Figured maybe some old fashioned hand written something or other might shock it back to life.
Bought a large container of water, to drink while chained to the bed and laptop, writing slavishly into the night. Probably should have bought longer chains so I could still reach the bathroom. >.<'
Bought little coffee flavored hard candies for that extra kick in the teeth when needed. I've eaten... half of them so far. Perhaps I should have bought more.
Replaced the bulbs in the bedside lamps, so there's no excuse. I will be able to see what I'm writing, and cannot hide attempts to slack from myself anymore.
Warned people they won't see much of me in November, and not to think I'm dead. Warned the roomies and Hubby to crack the door once in a while to make certain I'm not dead.
I'm certain I've forgotten something important. But that's it so far. Hitting that 'Can't wait to get started' moment.
Jesus is the answer
WARNING: Be prepared to either A) Snicker, or B) Be offended. You have been warned.
I saw this bumper sticker today as the Hubby and I were coming back from me getting forced out of the house for the weekend, sick or not, so that I was -out of the house-. Of course, the first thing that came to mind is "Really? Jesus is -the- answer?" And of course, I said this out loud. I should probably point out my Hubs is semi-non-denominational-Christan. I am non-denominational-pagan. >.>
So he looks at me and says "Really? Not an answer, but -the- answer?" And I shrug and point to the bumper sticker on the car in line ahead of us at the light. Of course, my mouth run-ith over, and I continue. "I wish I would have known that back in high school. Would have made tests so much easier. just write down 'Jesus' for everything and I would have had a 4.0"
He snickered.
"Of course," I said, "Had I gotten something 'wrong' I could have politely pointed out 'But I've been told Jesus is the answer. Are you saying that Jesus is indeed, not the answer?"
He snickered again.
"What's worse is, had I actually failed a test after giving that answer, I suppose I could have then gone to the church officials and pointed out how wrong they are about Jesus being the answer. I mean, by then, Jesus would have fucked my GPA."
He howled in laughter and we almost missed the green light. So while he's trying to drive, I make matters worse by calling Mur and filling her in on the conversation, getting more snickers from the Hubby. And she pops off with, "But, if Jesus is the answer, what the hell is the question?"
The three of us then listed a ton of (offensive to many) questions and applied the "Jesus" answer.
1. Who was the world's first Hippie?-- Jesus.
2. Who shot JFK?-- Jesus
3. Who was History's most closeted Homosexual? -- Jesus.
4. Who killed 6,000 Jews in WW2?-- Jesus. (Apparently Hitler was framed, and Jesus wanted revenge.)
It kept going downhill from there, until the Hubby almost couldn't drive from laughing so hard, and rather than get into a car accident and be forced to answer the cop's "What the hell happened here?" with a "Jesus."... we decided to end the conversation.
See what kind of trouble bumper stickers can cause? Damn you all!! LOL.
I saw this bumper sticker today as the Hubby and I were coming back from me getting forced out of the house for the weekend, sick or not, so that I was -out of the house-. Of course, the first thing that came to mind is "Really? Jesus is -the- answer?" And of course, I said this out loud. I should probably point out my Hubs is semi-non-denominational-Christan. I am non-denominational-pagan. >.>
So he looks at me and says "Really? Not an answer, but -the- answer?" And I shrug and point to the bumper sticker on the car in line ahead of us at the light. Of course, my mouth run-ith over, and I continue. "I wish I would have known that back in high school. Would have made tests so much easier. just write down 'Jesus' for everything and I would have had a 4.0"
He snickered.
"Of course," I said, "Had I gotten something 'wrong' I could have politely pointed out 'But I've been told Jesus is the answer. Are you saying that Jesus is indeed, not the answer?"
He snickered again.
"What's worse is, had I actually failed a test after giving that answer, I suppose I could have then gone to the church officials and pointed out how wrong they are about Jesus being the answer. I mean, by then, Jesus would have fucked my GPA."
He howled in laughter and we almost missed the green light. So while he's trying to drive, I make matters worse by calling Mur and filling her in on the conversation, getting more snickers from the Hubby. And she pops off with, "But, if Jesus is the answer, what the hell is the question?"
The three of us then listed a ton of (offensive to many) questions and applied the "Jesus" answer.
1. Who was the world's first Hippie?-- Jesus.
2. Who shot JFK?-- Jesus
3. Who was History's most closeted Homosexual? -- Jesus.
4. Who killed 6,000 Jews in WW2?-- Jesus. (Apparently Hitler was framed, and Jesus wanted revenge.)
It kept going downhill from there, until the Hubby almost couldn't drive from laughing so hard, and rather than get into a car accident and be forced to answer the cop's "What the hell happened here?" with a "Jesus."... we decided to end the conversation.
See what kind of trouble bumper stickers can cause? Damn you all!! LOL.
Saturday, October 23, 2010
Pondering
So November's coming closer, and I'm still trying to get my head in gear for the book. I'm worried if I over think it, I won't have the desire to write it. But if I don't, I'm worried I will get partway in and not know where to go. As I understand it, the idea is just to sit down and write, not edit or re-write or anything like that (and I found out December is finishing month and March was editing month). So technically I can just write and write and write, even if it doesn't make sense in parts.
I suppose it's about freeing yourself to just do it, without worry or over thinking. But I know my mind and how it works, and I'm afraid it's going to be a disaster.
On top of all this, I'm considering branching out my blog. I mean, FireFlameAsh is mostly a journal project for me. A place to pop off thoughts, worries, fears, concerns, bitching, etc without worry or thought that someone is going to read or reply. But I'd like to look into doing a Blog people might actually read. Either a Poem blog, or something like that. Creative... Which means I'd have to set a goal for posting, so I can meet it. If I don't have consistent updates, why would anyone bother coming back to read it? So Weekly might be good. I could work on a post all week and post on Saturdays or something.
It's a lot to think about while trying to watch the Bug and everything else.
I suppose it's about freeing yourself to just do it, without worry or over thinking. But I know my mind and how it works, and I'm afraid it's going to be a disaster.
On top of all this, I'm considering branching out my blog. I mean, FireFlameAsh is mostly a journal project for me. A place to pop off thoughts, worries, fears, concerns, bitching, etc without worry or thought that someone is going to read or reply. But I'd like to look into doing a Blog people might actually read. Either a Poem blog, or something like that. Creative... Which means I'd have to set a goal for posting, so I can meet it. If I don't have consistent updates, why would anyone bother coming back to read it? So Weekly might be good. I could work on a post all week and post on Saturdays or something.
It's a lot to think about while trying to watch the Bug and everything else.
Friday, October 22, 2010
Depression
Took the first step towards trying to deal with my depression. I had seen an advert on Facebook for a drug trial for depression. I signed up. And the other day I went to the clinic office to fill in paperwork.
I haven't talked about this much because I don't like admitting I have depression. I used to just take St. John's Wort for it, and it helped. It doesn't anymore. It's been getting worse. It's caused a felt meltdowns recently, and yes, for that I have the added stress of taking care of the Bug to thank. I don't blame her, and I don't want to stop watching her, because by watching her I am helping Mur, and honestly it's about as close to raising a kid as I will ever get. I'm learning I don't have the patience to take care of a kid 24-7. But the stress and frustration isn't exactly helping the depression any.
And, come to find out, the PCOS can also cause depression. Which isn't the best of news really. It just means I have more reasons to need to seek some kind of help. Hubby's insurance doesn't kick in for me until after the new year, so this is really a good thing, if I can get into the trial. Sure there's side effects and risks, but there's side effects and risks for doing nothing too. At least this way, I'm trying.
I've spent too long doing nothing. It's time I tried doing something about this.
So I went to the clinic and signed up. Wish me luck they take me for the study. I'll be excited to see if the drugs help.
I haven't talked about this much because I don't like admitting I have depression. I used to just take St. John's Wort for it, and it helped. It doesn't anymore. It's been getting worse. It's caused a felt meltdowns recently, and yes, for that I have the added stress of taking care of the Bug to thank. I don't blame her, and I don't want to stop watching her, because by watching her I am helping Mur, and honestly it's about as close to raising a kid as I will ever get. I'm learning I don't have the patience to take care of a kid 24-7. But the stress and frustration isn't exactly helping the depression any.
And, come to find out, the PCOS can also cause depression. Which isn't the best of news really. It just means I have more reasons to need to seek some kind of help. Hubby's insurance doesn't kick in for me until after the new year, so this is really a good thing, if I can get into the trial. Sure there's side effects and risks, but there's side effects and risks for doing nothing too. At least this way, I'm trying.
I've spent too long doing nothing. It's time I tried doing something about this.
So I went to the clinic and signed up. Wish me luck they take me for the study. I'll be excited to see if the drugs help.
Thursday, October 21, 2010
Frustration
So the Bug is 20 months old. She only switched to 3rd foods a few months ago. For those who don't understand that, there's 3 or 4 stages of food (depending on the manufacturer). 1st foods are the first ones they get beyond bottle. 2nds have a little more flavor and texture. If I remember the crash course Mur gave me (which I don't) I think 1st are all single ingredients, 2nds start mixing things.
Anyways, 3rd foods have more texture, like rice pieces or small pasta balls (like you find in Frog's Eye Salad). They're supposed to be close to adult type foods, to help getting kids eating solids. Most kids switch to 3rd foods about 9 to 12 months. She didn't start 3rds until about 17 months. And that was difficult. About 12 months or so they are supposed to switch to toddler food. She's still on 3rds.
Now, here's the frustration. We started trying to switch her to 4ths, the toddler foods. She's done nothing but scream and spit it out, fight us and everything. She -does not want- toddler foods. And now, she has decided to fight on 3rds again as well. She's spitting them out and refusing to eat them as well. When she had been doing so well with them.
I'm about ready to pull my hair out because I'm the one feeding her breakfast 5 days a week, and lunch about half that. Mur catches Lunch the other half and Dig does dinners, but half the time she goes to bed hungry and the other half she gets Fruit which she isn't rejecting. Meats were the first things she started refusing. Now it's also veggies.
I don't know what to do, and since I'm not the parent, I'm not really prepared to handle this. I mean, they know her, they've learned her for 20 months. I've only had about 3 months training and I'm not certain what the hell I'm doing. Half the time she's screaming because she doesn't want to swallow the food and I feel like I'm abusing her. But the other half I think she's playing us trying to get what she wants, and I shouldn't be giving in to her. But that still feels like abuse.
She's certainly being a pain right now and I'm frustrated. *bangs head against walls*
Anyways, 3rd foods have more texture, like rice pieces or small pasta balls (like you find in Frog's Eye Salad). They're supposed to be close to adult type foods, to help getting kids eating solids. Most kids switch to 3rd foods about 9 to 12 months. She didn't start 3rds until about 17 months. And that was difficult. About 12 months or so they are supposed to switch to toddler food. She's still on 3rds.
Now, here's the frustration. We started trying to switch her to 4ths, the toddler foods. She's done nothing but scream and spit it out, fight us and everything. She -does not want- toddler foods. And now, she has decided to fight on 3rds again as well. She's spitting them out and refusing to eat them as well. When she had been doing so well with them.
I'm about ready to pull my hair out because I'm the one feeding her breakfast 5 days a week, and lunch about half that. Mur catches Lunch the other half and Dig does dinners, but half the time she goes to bed hungry and the other half she gets Fruit which she isn't rejecting. Meats were the first things she started refusing. Now it's also veggies.
I don't know what to do, and since I'm not the parent, I'm not really prepared to handle this. I mean, they know her, they've learned her for 20 months. I've only had about 3 months training and I'm not certain what the hell I'm doing. Half the time she's screaming because she doesn't want to swallow the food and I feel like I'm abusing her. But the other half I think she's playing us trying to get what she wants, and I shouldn't be giving in to her. But that still feels like abuse.
She's certainly being a pain right now and I'm frustrated. *bangs head against walls*
Wednesday, October 20, 2010
All in a Name
So I looked uo my name on this website, and shockingly, it's fairly spot on. Not sure I should be happy about that.
- Your first name gives you an independent, serious, reticent, and studious nature.
- An intellectual, you have a deep appreciation for art, music, literature, and all the phenomena of nature.
- You express your thoughts and feelings best through writing rather than verbally.
- In fact, others find it challenging to understand you as you do not reveal your innermost thoughts unless you are completely comfortable in your friendships.
- For that reason, despite having good business abilities, you like to work alone or where you are making your own decisions.
- It has created separateness from others and loneliness in your life.
- Although the name creates the urge to be reliable and responsible, we emphasize that it limits self-expression and friendly congeniality with a moody disposition.
- This name, when combined with the last name, can frustrate happiness, contentment, and success, as well as cause health weaknesses in the heart, lungs, bronchial area, worry, and mental tension.
Tuesday, October 19, 2010
Cities
So one of the goals for my current 101 list is to make a list of cities I want to visit. I didn't list a number, because I wasn't sure if I was going to do a top 10, or 50 cities, one from each state, or just a few here and there and end up with however many I end up with.
I realize now I failed to specify US cities or cities world wide. I suppose it doesn't matter.
The purpose for this list was so that in future 101 lists I could make a goal to visit one or two of those cities I want to visit. I doubt I'll ever make it to London, but perhaps I could make it to Vegas, as an example.
Anyhow, I think I start with just a few cities I want to visit, and see how I do, and then maybe add in a few more so I can hit at least one in every state. Some places I want to visit for no good reason. Langtry for example. If you look on Google Maps, there's not much there. I really couldn't tell if there were house or just a gas station and a convenience store. But I still want to visit it. Others I saw on haunted shows. Like, there's a really haunted place there. Sounds cool, even if I never get up the courage to go see it.
Anyway, here's the list. I still might add to it a little here and there, but for now, I think it's decent.
London, Devon, Manchester- England
Dublin, Inishmoore- Ireland
Athens- Greece
I realize now I failed to specify US cities or cities world wide. I suppose it doesn't matter.
The purpose for this list was so that in future 101 lists I could make a goal to visit one or two of those cities I want to visit. I doubt I'll ever make it to London, but perhaps I could make it to Vegas, as an example.
Anyhow, I think I start with just a few cities I want to visit, and see how I do, and then maybe add in a few more so I can hit at least one in every state. Some places I want to visit for no good reason. Langtry for example. If you look on Google Maps, there's not much there. I really couldn't tell if there were house or just a gas station and a convenience store. But I still want to visit it. Others I saw on haunted shows. Like, there's a really haunted place there. Sounds cool, even if I never get up the courage to go see it.
Anyway, here's the list. I still might add to it a little here and there, but for now, I think it's decent.
- San Diego, California
- San Francisco, California
- San Jose, California
- Savannah, Georgia
- Decatur, Illinois
- Midlothian, Illinois
- Villisca, Iowa
- Louisville, Kentucky
- Wilder, Kentucky
- New Oleans, Lousianna
- St. Francisville, Louisiana
- Boothbay Harbor, Maine
- Ashland, Massachusetts
- Salem Mass
- Boston Mass
- Danvers Mass
- Hornet, Missouri
- St. Louis, Missouri
- Bridger Montana
- Lincoln Nebraska
- Las Vegas Nevada
- Ithaca New York
- Asheville, North Carolina
- Cleveland, Ohio
- Erie, Penn
- Pittsburgh, Penn
- Adams, Tennessee
- Langtry, Texas
- Burlington, Vermont
London, Devon, Manchester- England
Dublin, Inishmoore- Ireland
Athens- Greece
Monday, October 18, 2010
100 Snapshot challenge
So, the idea is to take a snapshot to represent each of the words on the list. There's some official site for it and all, but I'm only doing this for me. I just have to keep track of the ones I have taken and probably post them somewhere at some point to prove I've done it.
1. Safety
2. Stale
3. Feathered
4. Hot
5. Open
6. Forever
7. Love
8. Touch
9. Colorless
10. Blue
11. Smell
12. Growth
13. Irony
14. Wrong
15. More
16. Feel
17. Muse
18. Child
19. Within
20. Pale
21. Earth
22. Torn
23. Scars
24. Stray
25. Drops
26. Against
27. Dry
28. Fresh
29. Covered
30. Bold
31. High
32. Shadow
33. Concrete
34. Vein
35. Rush
36. Yellow
37. Empty
38. Cliché
39. Central
40. Loss
41. Wonder
42. Sweet
43. Poetry
44. Heavy
45. Fall
46. Chair
47. Statue
48. Kool-Aid
49. Dark
50. Breath
51. Garbage
52. Silk
53. Teacher
54. Cream
55. Wash
56. Corner
57. Rose
58. Field
59. Two
60. Red
61. Music
62. Rope
63. Decrepit
64. Chase
65. Dream
66. Dance
67. Smile
68. Smirk
69. Reflection
70. Soul
71. Lock
72. Key
73. Rust
74. Find
75. Lose
76. Drag
77. Wind
78. Rest
79. Swing
80. Meeting
81. Vacant
82. Hazy
83. Release
84. Gather
85. Swarm
86. Road
87. Wait
88. Stand
89. Distance
90. Trapped
91. Desk
92. Detach
93. Shatter
94. Home
95. Shy
96. Tackle
97. Begin
98. End
99. Time
100. Life
I've been thinking about what I want to do for each picture, but I have another goal to take 5 pics a day for a month. So I think I'm going to take a ton of pictures, and see which ones can fit for the 100 snapshots as well, then try to fill in ones I'm missing. Ah, the joy of a digital camera. I remember a time when it would have cost me an arm and leg to develop the massive amounts of photos I used to take. And that was back when I was restrained!
But I think I'm going to start taking pictures soon. Just because it's halfway through October and that's one of my favorite times of year. Might as well get snap happy now!
1. Safety
2. Stale
3. Feathered
4. Hot
5. Open
6. Forever
7. Love
8. Touch
9. Colorless
10. Blue
11. Smell
12. Growth
13. Irony
14. Wrong
15. More
16. Feel
17. Muse
18. Child
19. Within
20. Pale
21. Earth
22. Torn
23. Scars
24. Stray
25. Drops
26. Against
27. Dry
28. Fresh
29. Covered
30. Bold
31. High
32. Shadow
33. Concrete
34. Vein
35. Rush
36. Yellow
37. Empty
38. Cliché
39. Central
40. Loss
41. Wonder
42. Sweet
43. Poetry
44. Heavy
45. Fall
46. Chair
47. Statue
48. Kool-Aid
49. Dark
50. Breath
51. Garbage
52. Silk
53. Teacher
54. Cream
55. Wash
56. Corner
57. Rose
58. Field
59. Two
60. Red
61. Music
62. Rope
63. Decrepit
64. Chase
65. Dream
66. Dance
67. Smile
68. Smirk
69. Reflection
70. Soul
71. Lock
72. Key
73. Rust
74. Find
75. Lose
76. Drag
77. Wind
78. Rest
79. Swing
80. Meeting
81. Vacant
82. Hazy
83. Release
84. Gather
85. Swarm
86. Road
87. Wait
88. Stand
89. Distance
90. Trapped
91. Desk
92. Detach
93. Shatter
94. Home
95. Shy
96. Tackle
97. Begin
98. End
99. Time
100. Life
I've been thinking about what I want to do for each picture, but I have another goal to take 5 pics a day for a month. So I think I'm going to take a ton of pictures, and see which ones can fit for the 100 snapshots as well, then try to fill in ones I'm missing. Ah, the joy of a digital camera. I remember a time when it would have cost me an arm and leg to develop the massive amounts of photos I used to take. And that was back when I was restrained!
But I think I'm going to start taking pictures soon. Just because it's halfway through October and that's one of my favorite times of year. Might as well get snap happy now!
Sunday, October 17, 2010
Why is it?
Why is it that when winter hits, I find myself thinking about gardening? It's the wrong time of year to be thinking about planting things in the back yard, or of buying seeds for the window boxes I have out front. Yet here I am thinking that it would be nice to buy a few white and purple flowers for the window boxes, and wondering if we could possibly get that hole in my back yard fixed to start planting things out there.
I don't know what i want to plant in the backyard, and I'm certainly not someone who has a green thumb. I think I kill plants. Digging in the dirt isn't exactly something that makes me happy. It isn't something that I actually enjoy. I find it dirty, icky and generally hot and sweaty. Add on the fact I believe anything I plant is going to just up and die, and I have no idea why I'm so keen on planting anything in the first place.
I couldn't even keep the plant in a pot that my mother gave me, alive. I killed it. Actually, them. She's given me more than one. I kill green things. Go me. But still I'm sitting here wondering if I could plant something in the planters. Purple is certainly a color I want to use.
But it's Autumn. It's not the time to be thinking about planting things in the front or back yards. It's not time for me to be thinking about kinds of plants or colors, and certainly not the time for me to be wondering if I could open Google and start a list of plants to look into buying come Spring.
I don't know what i want to plant in the backyard, and I'm certainly not someone who has a green thumb. I think I kill plants. Digging in the dirt isn't exactly something that makes me happy. It isn't something that I actually enjoy. I find it dirty, icky and generally hot and sweaty. Add on the fact I believe anything I plant is going to just up and die, and I have no idea why I'm so keen on planting anything in the first place.
I couldn't even keep the plant in a pot that my mother gave me, alive. I killed it. Actually, them. She's given me more than one. I kill green things. Go me. But still I'm sitting here wondering if I could plant something in the planters. Purple is certainly a color I want to use.
But it's Autumn. It's not the time to be thinking about planting things in the front or back yards. It's not time for me to be thinking about kinds of plants or colors, and certainly not the time for me to be wondering if I could open Google and start a list of plants to look into buying come Spring.
Saturday, October 16, 2010
Cleaning we will go!
Spent today doing all kinds of things. Went to a free sale, really more like an exchange, with Mur and Dig, and the Bug. We went and looked at clothes, found a ton of things for Bug to wear, a few things for Mur and Dig, and even one or two things for me. Score! After, we came home and Hubby and I hit the dollar stores, and picked up a few boxes of clothing from the storage unit, so I can go through them. I will probably make a few boxes for the next free sale, and then start switching winter and summer clothing, since it's now getting cold here. In all, the 7 boxes we brought home won't last long. They will get sorted into keeping, donating, and restoring fairly quickly.
But perhaps the coolest thing of all was the fact we started cleaning my bedroom. It had gotten pretty congested in there. Boxes of clothing, dirty clothes waiting to go down to be washed, clean clothes waiting to be put away. and the ever growing pile of stuff. Pens, books, candles, and the odd thing here and there. It had gotten so I couldn't walk in the room without tripping anymore.
So we cleaned it. Now I not only can walk, I have floor space again. And, I have night stand tops semi clean, and looking pretty.
But my favorite change of all happens to be one that flies in the face of everything I've seen on design shows. Every show I've seen says not to do what we just did. We took the horrible sliding doors off the closet. Seriously, those things were damn annoying. Slide one way to see the hubby's side, slide another to see mine, and you never can quite get at the middle. And the closet was dark. Like, you couldn't see what you were pulling out until you'd pulled it out and then half the time, you were all "Well, that's not what I wanted."
Now, it's open and bright, and I can see everything, get to everything, and I can tell at a glance what I might want to wear. I really love it.
Sorry design shows, but this is one girl who really does want her closet doorless.
But, we did keep the doors, for when we think about selling the house. You know, when we are 50 something and looking at retiring somewhere warm. We can put them back up then.
But perhaps the coolest thing of all was the fact we started cleaning my bedroom. It had gotten pretty congested in there. Boxes of clothing, dirty clothes waiting to go down to be washed, clean clothes waiting to be put away. and the ever growing pile of stuff. Pens, books, candles, and the odd thing here and there. It had gotten so I couldn't walk in the room without tripping anymore.
So we cleaned it. Now I not only can walk, I have floor space again. And, I have night stand tops semi clean, and looking pretty.
But my favorite change of all happens to be one that flies in the face of everything I've seen on design shows. Every show I've seen says not to do what we just did. We took the horrible sliding doors off the closet. Seriously, those things were damn annoying. Slide one way to see the hubby's side, slide another to see mine, and you never can quite get at the middle. And the closet was dark. Like, you couldn't see what you were pulling out until you'd pulled it out and then half the time, you were all "Well, that's not what I wanted."
Now, it's open and bright, and I can see everything, get to everything, and I can tell at a glance what I might want to wear. I really love it.
Sorry design shows, but this is one girl who really does want her closet doorless.
But, we did keep the doors, for when we think about selling the house. You know, when we are 50 something and looking at retiring somewhere warm. We can put them back up then.
Friday, October 15, 2010
719 days left, and counting
I'm up to 17% done on my 101 list.
I'm feeling pretty good about it this time around. I mean, last time I tried this I think I got 23 things done before I stopped, mostly because I lost the drive. This time I really want to finish this. I have the feeling that I never finish anything I start. Which isn't completely true because I've already finished 17 things on the list. So I can finish some things. But the big things? I feel like I never finish those. So doing all 101 things on time is important to me. It means I can finish things I start, not once, not twice, but 101 times. It means I can do small steps to finish the big ones. It means I can do what I set out to get done. It means I won't always fail, so there is a reason to try.
As I said before, some things are specific to times of the year, so I have to wait to do them. It gives me something to look forward to. I'm halfway afraid I'm going to push things off and run out of time. I keep thinking, there's time. But eventually that won't be the case. So I am trying to keep ahead of the game. To make sure I get things done while I can, and not wait until later. So I guess I'm trying to work on my tendency to procrastinate as well.
Wish me luck. I'm really pushing through this. I know 719 days seems like a lot, but it isn't when you have 83 items left to do, and some of them are 3-5 months in length.
I'm feeling pretty good about it this time around. I mean, last time I tried this I think I got 23 things done before I stopped, mostly because I lost the drive. This time I really want to finish this. I have the feeling that I never finish anything I start. Which isn't completely true because I've already finished 17 things on the list. So I can finish some things. But the big things? I feel like I never finish those. So doing all 101 things on time is important to me. It means I can finish things I start, not once, not twice, but 101 times. It means I can do small steps to finish the big ones. It means I can do what I set out to get done. It means I won't always fail, so there is a reason to try.
As I said before, some things are specific to times of the year, so I have to wait to do them. It gives me something to look forward to. I'm halfway afraid I'm going to push things off and run out of time. I keep thinking, there's time. But eventually that won't be the case. So I am trying to keep ahead of the game. To make sure I get things done while I can, and not wait until later. So I guess I'm trying to work on my tendency to procrastinate as well.
Wish me luck. I'm really pushing through this. I know 719 days seems like a lot, but it isn't when you have 83 items left to do, and some of them are 3-5 months in length.
Wednesday, October 13, 2010
NaNoWriMo is coming
No, it's not something like the Great Pumpkin. Nation Novel Writers Month, is November. It's this thing where you write 50k words during the month of November. It's a challenge. You have to write the novel during the month, not before and not after. It is supposed to get people writing, being creative. You load the novel to the website and it counts the words, then it deletes it. It's not about who's better or who wrote the better book. It's just about doing it.
Which in theory could help people open up and just write, if they aren't concerned about someone actually will read the book. For me, I can write about whatever I want, and know no one is going to judge it. At the same time, I can write like someone is going to read it at some point.
I've decided to try and write on my WoD storyline. I want to work my way through the plot from beginning to end and figure out how to run people through it. Mike has been asking me to run another round of my J&H storyline. He enjoyed it, and I did too. But the issue I was having was that I didn't know how to get someone from start to end. I was expecting them to figure things out. I am hoping if I write it out and figure it out for myself, that I can walk others through it.
I have to figure out a name for the main Character. I haven't found one I'm comfortable with yet. I think it's because of the way I'm going about this, using characters I already created to fill in all the other places. I'm having a hard time finding someone who will fit into the picture. And a name helps create the image of the person, so a Jenny is a different image of a person in my head than a Heather. I just have to find the name that creates the image of a person that fits with the rest of the cast in my head.
I also think I'm going to run this from the WtA aspect of the storyline, rather than the VtM side, since Mike wants to play a VtM side. If I work everything from the Garou side, it gives me an idea of not only how to go from start to finish, but what to toss in on Vampire play from the Garou side of things. The idea of the SL was that the Wolves and Vamps would have to bite the bullet and work together to get the positive ending. So by writing the side that isn't going to be played, I'll have a handle on things from that side when I have to toss them together.
It's a decent idea, and I hope it creates a 50k project. I also hope I can get it done in the month I have. I will try to keep some kind of log as to how I'm doing here as well, provided I have the time. Which means, my posts might slow during November a bit, since I'll be trying to find the time to do my writing between taking care of the Bug and everything else.
Which in theory could help people open up and just write, if they aren't concerned about someone actually will read the book. For me, I can write about whatever I want, and know no one is going to judge it. At the same time, I can write like someone is going to read it at some point.
I've decided to try and write on my WoD storyline. I want to work my way through the plot from beginning to end and figure out how to run people through it. Mike has been asking me to run another round of my J&H storyline. He enjoyed it, and I did too. But the issue I was having was that I didn't know how to get someone from start to end. I was expecting them to figure things out. I am hoping if I write it out and figure it out for myself, that I can walk others through it.
I have to figure out a name for the main Character. I haven't found one I'm comfortable with yet. I think it's because of the way I'm going about this, using characters I already created to fill in all the other places. I'm having a hard time finding someone who will fit into the picture. And a name helps create the image of the person, so a Jenny is a different image of a person in my head than a Heather. I just have to find the name that creates the image of a person that fits with the rest of the cast in my head.
I also think I'm going to run this from the WtA aspect of the storyline, rather than the VtM side, since Mike wants to play a VtM side. If I work everything from the Garou side, it gives me an idea of not only how to go from start to finish, but what to toss in on Vampire play from the Garou side of things. The idea of the SL was that the Wolves and Vamps would have to bite the bullet and work together to get the positive ending. So by writing the side that isn't going to be played, I'll have a handle on things from that side when I have to toss them together.
It's a decent idea, and I hope it creates a 50k project. I also hope I can get it done in the month I have. I will try to keep some kind of log as to how I'm doing here as well, provided I have the time. Which means, my posts might slow during November a bit, since I'll be trying to find the time to do my writing between taking care of the Bug and everything else.
Sunday, October 10, 2010
Getting ready for this week
So, Tomorrow is Monday and it's back to the work grind for all of us. I have it the easiest.
Today I dropped some of the library books off and picked up a few new ones. I grabbed some on crafts, and some on writing. I'm getting ready for the NaNoWriMo thing and figured a few ideas on beating writer's block wouldn't hurt. I also figured a few craft ideas wouldn't hurt since one of my 101 things to do is a craft project a month for a year. So, since I did some Propnomicon things this month, I figured keep the momentum going.
I also plan on doing some crocheting during the day, since sitting and watching the Bug can get boring. I can only take so much Dora the Explorer before I want to bang my head into a wall. I'm hoping switching between a little crochet and some reading and making notes for NaNoWriMo will keep me sane this week.
Like I said, I have it the easiest.
Today I dropped some of the library books off and picked up a few new ones. I grabbed some on crafts, and some on writing. I'm getting ready for the NaNoWriMo thing and figured a few ideas on beating writer's block wouldn't hurt. I also figured a few craft ideas wouldn't hurt since one of my 101 things to do is a craft project a month for a year. So, since I did some Propnomicon things this month, I figured keep the momentum going.
I also plan on doing some crocheting during the day, since sitting and watching the Bug can get boring. I can only take so much Dora the Explorer before I want to bang my head into a wall. I'm hoping switching between a little crochet and some reading and making notes for NaNoWriMo will keep me sane this week.
Like I said, I have it the easiest.
Saturday, October 9, 2010
Pay day Weekend Hurrah!
So, I got paid, and Mur and I went out and spent a good part of our cash. I bought things I've been wanting and needing for a while, but didn't want to buy because I didn't want to ask the Hubby for money.
We went to Michael's, and I got some yarn and a crochet hook and can now do my 'crochet for 15 mins 3 times a week for 5 weeks' thing for my 101. I also got some sculpting clay for Mur so she can make me some things. Like I said, she and I have been making things from the Propnomicon for Mike, and I talked her into making me a 'lil cthulu' and possibly some of the other chibis from the video. (youtube adventures of lil cthulu and see what you can get. it's adorable!)
I picked up a few other things at Michael's for decorations, as well as some things for more crafting stuff. Then we hit the Dollar store and I grabbed a few items. Then Mur, Dig and I went to see My Soul To Take, at Movie Tavern. It wasn't too bad. After that we dropped into BigLots and I grabbed a few more items. Woot for spending!
It was great though, really.
We went to Michael's, and I got some yarn and a crochet hook and can now do my 'crochet for 15 mins 3 times a week for 5 weeks' thing for my 101. I also got some sculpting clay for Mur so she can make me some things. Like I said, she and I have been making things from the Propnomicon for Mike, and I talked her into making me a 'lil cthulu' and possibly some of the other chibis from the video. (youtube adventures of lil cthulu and see what you can get. it's adorable!)
I picked up a few other things at Michael's for decorations, as well as some things for more crafting stuff. Then we hit the Dollar store and I grabbed a few items. Then Mur, Dig and I went to see My Soul To Take, at Movie Tavern. It wasn't too bad. After that we dropped into BigLots and I grabbed a few more items. Woot for spending!
It was great though, really.
Friday, October 8, 2010
Something that moves me
I tend not to watch the news. It isn't something I find happy or believable most days. I suppose I prefer being an 'ostrich' and putting my head in the sand. And then there are days I am reminded why.
I read something online the other day about a string of gay suicides, and some Mormon high up preaching about how wrong it is to be gay. My immediate response was anger. Seriously? I realize I don't know much about any Christian religion beyond the few years I studied at a Catholic school. Still, I seem to remember the Bible saying something about loving one another and not judging other people. My anger flared. Of course this is typical, quote the parts of the Bible you see fit, ignore the rest until you need it later.
This sparked a discussion between my roomies and I, about tolerance. Obviously I can't honestly smack someone around verbally and tell them to STFU and turn the other cheek and deal with differences, rather than harping on something they can't stand. Because that's exactly what I'd be doing to them. It's as valid as my father telling me not to smoke while lighting his cigarette. Then again my father followed it up with a "Do as I say not as I do."
After a day, my anger hasn't cooled much. I'm still angry that someone decided to toss gasoline on a fire. Someone felt that it's more important to preach a message of hate, rather than one of love. I think someone needs to re-read the Bible and to decide to listen to the "Love one another" and the anti-hate messages in there.
But rather than rip into the idiots preaching hate, I think right now I'd rather be able to reach the people who really need it. The young kids out there who need to know, life might be hard, but there are people who care, even if you haven't met them yet.
To you I would like to say, I know life can be hard. I know there's times when you want everything to just stop. To have the pain and hurt be over. I know what it is like to just want to make it all stop so you don't feel the pain, can't hear the words, and the darkness wrapped around your heart stops choking you. Everyone offers advice, and you just want to smack them, or shove their face into a wall. When they tell you things will get better and you laugh, telling them 'yeah right'. When someone says 'I've been there' and you flip them off and tell them they can't understand your pain. When someone says, 'It will get better' and you just want to slam a door in their face.
I've heard that all before. I've felt those things. But here I am, almost 20 years later. I still have my moments, I still have the dark demons. But I have a lot of good moments too. I've done things with my life that I'm proud of. And some I'm not. But the fact is, I'm here to make my own mark, and my own mistakes.
Of all the GLBT people I know, every one of them is a strong, wonderful, vibrant person. Every one of them has done something that I look at and go 'Wow, I wish I had the talent, energy, strength, or intelligence to do that." No lie. Every GLBT person I know has done something to make me want to be a better person. They make me wish I had half their flare, half their drive, half their talent. I look at my friends and I'm proud to know them. I'm thankful they are part of my life. I'm a little jealous of their sparkle, but they always make me feel better about myself. And not in that standing next to someone so I look better way. In that, these people are so wonderful and they count me as a friend, so I can't be as horrible as I feel, way.
Don't let someone take your sparkle. Don't let someone snuff out that brilliance simply because they cannot hang, or handle it, or understand it. Life is tough. Life has a crapton of rough spots. I won't lie and say it's all peaches and raspberry truffles or something. It's a lot of sandpaper and needle-and-thread kinda rough. It's bumpy. It's occasionally smelly. It isn't all glamour.
But I am a firm believer in that's why the GLBT community is here. To shake up the dull and boring, to challenge the hiding masses who think it's safer if we never pop out heads out of the sand. You're here to be something wonderful, even if it's just to one or two of your friends who really need you to keep their own lives sane and brilliant. Even if it's to challenge a few insignificant people to be more than just ostriches hiding from the world. You might not cure cancer, but you might, 20 years down the road, find out you're someone's inspiration for being a better person. They might never cure cancer either, but they might pass some of that brilliance on to someone else. Good change, the permanent non-fad kind, takes a long time to find it's roots. they have to run deep so some strong wind cannot uproot that change and undo all that hard work.
Don't give up. Don't give in.
Please, continue to shine.
Even if you don't know us, even if you haven't met us yet, there really are people out there who give a shit about you. People who need you. People who are waiting to meet you.
Live. Inspire. Change one person.
Prove the assholes wrong.
I read something online the other day about a string of gay suicides, and some Mormon high up preaching about how wrong it is to be gay. My immediate response was anger. Seriously? I realize I don't know much about any Christian religion beyond the few years I studied at a Catholic school. Still, I seem to remember the Bible saying something about loving one another and not judging other people. My anger flared. Of course this is typical, quote the parts of the Bible you see fit, ignore the rest until you need it later.
This sparked a discussion between my roomies and I, about tolerance. Obviously I can't honestly smack someone around verbally and tell them to STFU and turn the other cheek and deal with differences, rather than harping on something they can't stand. Because that's exactly what I'd be doing to them. It's as valid as my father telling me not to smoke while lighting his cigarette. Then again my father followed it up with a "Do as I say not as I do."
After a day, my anger hasn't cooled much. I'm still angry that someone decided to toss gasoline on a fire. Someone felt that it's more important to preach a message of hate, rather than one of love. I think someone needs to re-read the Bible and to decide to listen to the "Love one another" and the anti-hate messages in there.
But rather than rip into the idiots preaching hate, I think right now I'd rather be able to reach the people who really need it. The young kids out there who need to know, life might be hard, but there are people who care, even if you haven't met them yet.
To you I would like to say, I know life can be hard. I know there's times when you want everything to just stop. To have the pain and hurt be over. I know what it is like to just want to make it all stop so you don't feel the pain, can't hear the words, and the darkness wrapped around your heart stops choking you. Everyone offers advice, and you just want to smack them, or shove their face into a wall. When they tell you things will get better and you laugh, telling them 'yeah right'. When someone says 'I've been there' and you flip them off and tell them they can't understand your pain. When someone says, 'It will get better' and you just want to slam a door in their face.
I've heard that all before. I've felt those things. But here I am, almost 20 years later. I still have my moments, I still have the dark demons. But I have a lot of good moments too. I've done things with my life that I'm proud of. And some I'm not. But the fact is, I'm here to make my own mark, and my own mistakes.
Of all the GLBT people I know, every one of them is a strong, wonderful, vibrant person. Every one of them has done something that I look at and go 'Wow, I wish I had the talent, energy, strength, or intelligence to do that." No lie. Every GLBT person I know has done something to make me want to be a better person. They make me wish I had half their flare, half their drive, half their talent. I look at my friends and I'm proud to know them. I'm thankful they are part of my life. I'm a little jealous of their sparkle, but they always make me feel better about myself. And not in that standing next to someone so I look better way. In that, these people are so wonderful and they count me as a friend, so I can't be as horrible as I feel, way.
Don't let someone take your sparkle. Don't let someone snuff out that brilliance simply because they cannot hang, or handle it, or understand it. Life is tough. Life has a crapton of rough spots. I won't lie and say it's all peaches and raspberry truffles or something. It's a lot of sandpaper and needle-and-thread kinda rough. It's bumpy. It's occasionally smelly. It isn't all glamour.
But I am a firm believer in that's why the GLBT community is here. To shake up the dull and boring, to challenge the hiding masses who think it's safer if we never pop out heads out of the sand. You're here to be something wonderful, even if it's just to one or two of your friends who really need you to keep their own lives sane and brilliant. Even if it's to challenge a few insignificant people to be more than just ostriches hiding from the world. You might not cure cancer, but you might, 20 years down the road, find out you're someone's inspiration for being a better person. They might never cure cancer either, but they might pass some of that brilliance on to someone else. Good change, the permanent non-fad kind, takes a long time to find it's roots. they have to run deep so some strong wind cannot uproot that change and undo all that hard work.
Don't give up. Don't give in.
Please, continue to shine.
Even if you don't know us, even if you haven't met us yet, there really are people out there who give a shit about you. People who need you. People who are waiting to meet you.
Live. Inspire. Change one person.
Prove the assholes wrong.
Thursday, October 7, 2010
Thou shalt not worry
So, I'm not supposed to worry about the bills and shit, because my hubby has it all taken care of. Do you hear the lack of confidence in my voice? Oh, wait... Do you see the lack of confidence in my words? No? Well, I love him, don't get me wrong. But I'm just worried. I'm concerned we're cutting things too damn close and he's not figuring on that. Sure, we're supposed to get a little help from Mur and Dig, but at the same time, they are still trying to catch up as well. So how much help can they give?
But he tells me he has it all taken care of. So I should trust him and not worry, right? I shouldn't be concerned that the Electric bill is higher this month than last, by almost double. I should not worry that he was figuring on moving the mortgage to the 15th, and that the bank cannot do that. Right? I should just chill out and not worry, because what's the worst that can happen? We run out of money and something doesn't get paid, over drafts our account and ruins our credit rating? That's nothing, right?
So, yeah, I'm not supposed to worry.
But he tells me he has it all taken care of. So I should trust him and not worry, right? I shouldn't be concerned that the Electric bill is higher this month than last, by almost double. I should not worry that he was figuring on moving the mortgage to the 15th, and that the bank cannot do that. Right? I should just chill out and not worry, because what's the worst that can happen? We run out of money and something doesn't get paid, over drafts our account and ruins our credit rating? That's nothing, right?
So, yeah, I'm not supposed to worry.
Wednesday, October 6, 2010
DIY things are not exactly easy
No matter how clear the walk through seems, or how simple they say it is, it isn't. It's actually kinda difficult doing something the first time.
So, as I said, I started crafting Lovecraft things for a friend. It has not been easy. One walkthrough I had to scrap because it just wasn't working. The cling wrap clung to everything until it was supposed to cling, and then I might as well have used plain paper, no glue or tape or anything, and expected it to just stay in place. Even the simple worm making one wasn't so simple, but at least that I can blame on the fact the stuff I ended up buying wasn't what they suggested, because that stuff wasn't anywhere to be found. So, yes, while it worked, it didn't work as suggested, and I don't know if it will work even after the fact. But at least that one was fun to do. The tentacles were a nightmare.
Still, it is kind of working out, and I'm hoping to have things finished by Friday night one way or another. I just find it odd that the DIY directions weren't as direct or exact as I would have expected.
So, as I said, I started crafting Lovecraft things for a friend. It has not been easy. One walkthrough I had to scrap because it just wasn't working. The cling wrap clung to everything until it was supposed to cling, and then I might as well have used plain paper, no glue or tape or anything, and expected it to just stay in place. Even the simple worm making one wasn't so simple, but at least that I can blame on the fact the stuff I ended up buying wasn't what they suggested, because that stuff wasn't anywhere to be found. So, yes, while it worked, it didn't work as suggested, and I don't know if it will work even after the fact. But at least that one was fun to do. The tentacles were a nightmare.
Still, it is kind of working out, and I'm hoping to have things finished by Friday night one way or another. I just find it odd that the DIY directions weren't as direct or exact as I would have expected.
Monday, October 4, 2010
Lovecraft crafting
So, one goal on my 101 list was to make something from the Propnomicon. They had some really great walkthroughs on making items, and I figured at some point I'd try my hand at something.
When we went to Dave's party, I found out one of Mike's friends is having a birthday soon, and he's a Lovecraft fan. So I mentioned the Propnomicon to Mike. Somehow I got talked into making something off the site for this guy's birthday. So last night the Hubby and I went out and bought all kinds of things, and I started prepping for making items last night. I have 3 different tentacles already made up, I just have to latex them. I also want to make some of the latex worms tonight if I can. I am hoping if I can get the items latexed today and tomorrow, then I can paint them Wednesday, and make the bottles for them Thursday and Friday, and then get them to Mike Saturday.
Cross fingers for me, because I'm crossing my own. I hope I get these done in time :)
When we went to Dave's party, I found out one of Mike's friends is having a birthday soon, and he's a Lovecraft fan. So I mentioned the Propnomicon to Mike. Somehow I got talked into making something off the site for this guy's birthday. So last night the Hubby and I went out and bought all kinds of things, and I started prepping for making items last night. I have 3 different tentacles already made up, I just have to latex them. I also want to make some of the latex worms tonight if I can. I am hoping if I can get the items latexed today and tomorrow, then I can paint them Wednesday, and make the bottles for them Thursday and Friday, and then get them to Mike Saturday.
Cross fingers for me, because I'm crossing my own. I hope I get these done in time :)
Sunday, October 3, 2010
Out and about
So, yesterday, last night.. whatever it was... We went out with some friends for a birthday party. We ate at the Texas roadhouse, and it was really good. I got mushroom chicken. So tasty. I was good and ordered a sweet potato and green beans for the sides. Trying to be healthy here. But the green beans came with bacon in it, real bacon, and that sets off my gout, so I didn't get to eat them.
After dinner, we headed to one friend's house and played board games. It was fun. There was one about rats on a sinking ship, then another about Camelot. Then four of the people played another game about Dracula while I did a clue puzzle with one of the others. It went together fast and then we were guessing who the killer was. I liked the puzzle. I forgot how much fun, and also how relaxing, a puzzle can be. I think I need to look into getting a few of these, for when I'm stressing. Might help relax me.
Sadly I'm home now, and cannot quiet my mind enough to sleep. So many things running around. Things I want to do, things I need to do, things I need to buy to do things I need to do. Things I want to get rid of. Things I should replace.
My 101 in 1001 is pressing on my mind, of course. But I might have another goal in sight, thanks to last night. :)
After dinner, we headed to one friend's house and played board games. It was fun. There was one about rats on a sinking ship, then another about Camelot. Then four of the people played another game about Dracula while I did a clue puzzle with one of the others. It went together fast and then we were guessing who the killer was. I liked the puzzle. I forgot how much fun, and also how relaxing, a puzzle can be. I think I need to look into getting a few of these, for when I'm stressing. Might help relax me.
Sadly I'm home now, and cannot quiet my mind enough to sleep. So many things running around. Things I want to do, things I need to do, things I need to buy to do things I need to do. Things I want to get rid of. Things I should replace.
My 101 in 1001 is pressing on my mind, of course. But I might have another goal in sight, thanks to last night. :)
Saturday, October 2, 2010
Pay day is delayed
So, Mur got her first check today, and she had promised she would pay me 1/3 of it for watching the Bug while she worked. Now, granted, that's not a lot under most cases, because if she's making $9 an hour, I get $3, which isn't minimum wage. Of course, she's making like $11 before taxes, which probably comes out to less than $9 once they get done.
Anyway, the payday for me was delayed. She owes me. They had car insurance and gas and stuff they had to get, as well as the fact she needed to get a pair of steel toed boots for work. So that ate her whole paycheck right there.
In theory I get paid this week's out of Dig's paycheck next Friday and then she pays me again that same Friday, so I should have a chunk of cash for the first time in a while. It will be nice, since we have so many back bills to catch up on. Like owing my mother for the fence we had to replace. And the dents in our credit cards from having to buy things and pay for things. But Dig's first check might take care of some of that.
Then again, my hubby might be digging us into a deeper and deeper hole. He keeps telling them not to worry to much, since they have to get caught up. Hello love, we have to get caught up too. But he says it will be fine, so I suppose I will believe him. I'm still planning on stashing some cash on the off chance he's wrong. Because my gut tells me, he's missing something big and we're going to end up screwed because of it.
Anyway, the good of it is they are getting paychecks, so we can all start climbing out of the hole we're in. Got to love that!
Anyway, the payday for me was delayed. She owes me. They had car insurance and gas and stuff they had to get, as well as the fact she needed to get a pair of steel toed boots for work. So that ate her whole paycheck right there.
In theory I get paid this week's out of Dig's paycheck next Friday and then she pays me again that same Friday, so I should have a chunk of cash for the first time in a while. It will be nice, since we have so many back bills to catch up on. Like owing my mother for the fence we had to replace. And the dents in our credit cards from having to buy things and pay for things. But Dig's first check might take care of some of that.
Then again, my hubby might be digging us into a deeper and deeper hole. He keeps telling them not to worry to much, since they have to get caught up. Hello love, we have to get caught up too. But he says it will be fine, so I suppose I will believe him. I'm still planning on stashing some cash on the off chance he's wrong. Because my gut tells me, he's missing something big and we're going to end up screwed because of it.
Anyway, the good of it is they are getting paychecks, so we can all start climbing out of the hole we're in. Got to love that!
Thursday, September 30, 2010
Cooking again
So today I crock potted some spaghetti sauce for us. It was a slight combo of a few recipes online, and it didn't turn out as well as I had hoped. It seemed to be missing something, flavor wise. But it was filling, so I guess that's what counts.
Hubby and I went shopping for a 'few times' and spent $70 on groceries. This sounds like a lot, but it's for the materials to make 5 different dinners for 4 people over the next couple of days, so I don't thing that's too horrible. Plus $14 of that was on discount razors (normally $8 a bag, we paid $3.50 a bag or so). Oh, and $5 of that was on reusable produce bags, normally $6 for three, I spent $1 for 3. Go discounts! So, that's like, $19 of non-food stuff. And out of the $51 left we spent on food, my chicken was half price, so that's another amount we saved. And the King Sooper's card saved us another $10... hubby and I figure we saved about $55, so we got about $120 worth of crap for $70. Not bad at all.
It is a crap ton of chicken, but it's what was on sale. Oh, and some pork chops for something somewhere as a break. So, yeah, we did okay.
I have a bunch of crock pot recipes for these, and with the stuff I bought, I can do about 6 different meals during this and next week. After which I think I'm going to have issues coming up with something new to make. I mean, seriously... there's only so much I can do with chicken, right?
Hubby and I went shopping for a 'few times' and spent $70 on groceries. This sounds like a lot, but it's for the materials to make 5 different dinners for 4 people over the next couple of days, so I don't thing that's too horrible. Plus $14 of that was on discount razors (normally $8 a bag, we paid $3.50 a bag or so). Oh, and $5 of that was on reusable produce bags, normally $6 for three, I spent $1 for 3. Go discounts! So, that's like, $19 of non-food stuff. And out of the $51 left we spent on food, my chicken was half price, so that's another amount we saved. And the King Sooper's card saved us another $10... hubby and I figure we saved about $55, so we got about $120 worth of crap for $70. Not bad at all.
It is a crap ton of chicken, but it's what was on sale. Oh, and some pork chops for something somewhere as a break. So, yeah, we did okay.
I have a bunch of crock pot recipes for these, and with the stuff I bought, I can do about 6 different meals during this and next week. After which I think I'm going to have issues coming up with something new to make. I mean, seriously... there's only so much I can do with chicken, right?
Wednesday, September 29, 2010
Technology hates me
So, Dig is working for a cable company. Which means we get cable for a reduced rate. Which is fantastic, because I can play things like Reading Rainbow, Between the Lions and other cool programs for the Bug. The only problem is, technology hates me.
Now, you might think I'm kidding. I'm not. First morning they left me here with her and the cable, I had to wake the hubby because I couldn't get the cable to go on. I tried everything. And yes, it was plugged in. Basically, every box was turned on and getting power, but there was nothing on the TV. He figured out that we had to unplug and replug the DVD player because it wouldn't come out of standby.
Second day, same story. So I had him show me the plug for the DVD player so I could pull it and not wake him a 3rd night. Then last night we figured, if we turned everything off at the power switch for the strip everything is plugged into, I could just turn the strip on and hit power All and get things up. Yeah, not so lucky. I turned on the strip, and had sound and everything. Except picture. So once again I had to wake the hubby to fix things. The problem this time? Somehow the input on the VCR got switched to back instead of front. Or something like that.
So yes, Technology hates me. I'm starting to hate it. If it didn't give me a new option for trying to educate her with cute shows that teach things, I'd strangle it completely.
Now, you might think I'm kidding. I'm not. First morning they left me here with her and the cable, I had to wake the hubby because I couldn't get the cable to go on. I tried everything. And yes, it was plugged in. Basically, every box was turned on and getting power, but there was nothing on the TV. He figured out that we had to unplug and replug the DVD player because it wouldn't come out of standby.
Second day, same story. So I had him show me the plug for the DVD player so I could pull it and not wake him a 3rd night. Then last night we figured, if we turned everything off at the power switch for the strip everything is plugged into, I could just turn the strip on and hit power All and get things up. Yeah, not so lucky. I turned on the strip, and had sound and everything. Except picture. So once again I had to wake the hubby to fix things. The problem this time? Somehow the input on the VCR got switched to back instead of front. Or something like that.
So yes, Technology hates me. I'm starting to hate it. If it didn't give me a new option for trying to educate her with cute shows that teach things, I'd strangle it completely.
Tuesday, September 28, 2010
I've been cooking
So, since Mur and Dig work, I stay home and take care of the Bug. Which means I'm more likely to be the one who is going to cook dinner. Which is odd because I'm not a good cook. I mean, I can follow a recipe without much issue, but I don't tend to be able to just come up with ideas and run with them easily. The crock pot is my friend.
But lately I've been doing a little cooking. It hasn't always turned out, but one night I crock potted chicken, and it came out okay. Tonight I did stuffing encrusted pork chops, and they came out decent. I forgot to cut the fat off. I suppose it's a live and learn type of thing.
I'm not sure what I'm going to make tomorrow night. I'm running out of ideas.
But lately I've been doing a little cooking. It hasn't always turned out, but one night I crock potted chicken, and it came out okay. Tonight I did stuffing encrusted pork chops, and they came out decent. I forgot to cut the fat off. I suppose it's a live and learn type of thing.
I'm not sure what I'm going to make tomorrow night. I'm running out of ideas.
Sunday, September 26, 2010
We have too much junk
So I keep trying to organize the house. I've talked about it with the others, and every time we get a room clean, it gets messed up again shortly after, because we use it. Which tells me we just have too much junk. If we could get rid of some things, I think we'd have a better chance of keeping the mess down.
Now, I realize that there are two houses here. And when Mur and Dig move out into their own place (which I am assuming they will want to at some point) we're going to go back to two single houses. Which means that maybe there are things neither of us want to permanently get rid of. For example, if they have a better stereo system than I do, we'd want to use theirs, but I might not want to sell mine, because when they go, I'm going to want mine back. I'm probably more likely to part with things than they are, because after all, there's a lot of stuff here I could see go and not really miss.
The issue comes with finding time to pack it up and get rid of it, as well as getting rid of things. I know there are some things I'd rather get rid of that the Hubby wants to keep. There's a lot of stuff we have that 'looks cool' but really doesn't do much but take up space. Lots of space. Space that could be better served by being open and uncluttered.
I'm not saving we should go minimalistic and get rid of everything except clothing, beds, chairs, and other necessities. Sure, it might sound cool, but I'm fairly certain I'd be depressed in a minimalistic environment. Still, setting a goal of getting rid of one item a day for a year, or removing 30 items at the start of every month, or even 101 items every month, no matter how small, would be a decent goal. It's quantitative. It's a solid number we can work with to make sure we meet.
I'd rather have things go all at once rather than one a day. It's easier to toss one item in a box each day, sure. But after a while it's going to be difficult to remember if I've put something in the box that day or not. While it might be cool to just toss an item in 'just in case' so that if I did forget, I cover it, but then I know I'd look at it and go, 'well, if I toss a few more in today while I'm at it, I can skip the next few days guilt free'. And then I'm stuck trying to remember what day I have to start dropping things in again, and next thing you know, it's too complicated to keep up with.
Sitting down on, say, the first Sunday of every month and dropping 30 items in a box for that month has it's advantages. It's 30 items for the whole month, all at once. When we finish, we're done for that month. Add to that the fact that at the end of the month, we can take the box into some place to donate the items, or off to a storage unit. And by doing it that way, we have almost a full month to figure out if we need the item or will miss it. If not, guilt free removal. If so, we can trade it out for something else.
It's a good plan. if this procrastinating house hold can get behind it.
Now, I realize that there are two houses here. And when Mur and Dig move out into their own place (which I am assuming they will want to at some point) we're going to go back to two single houses. Which means that maybe there are things neither of us want to permanently get rid of. For example, if they have a better stereo system than I do, we'd want to use theirs, but I might not want to sell mine, because when they go, I'm going to want mine back. I'm probably more likely to part with things than they are, because after all, there's a lot of stuff here I could see go and not really miss.
The issue comes with finding time to pack it up and get rid of it, as well as getting rid of things. I know there are some things I'd rather get rid of that the Hubby wants to keep. There's a lot of stuff we have that 'looks cool' but really doesn't do much but take up space. Lots of space. Space that could be better served by being open and uncluttered.
I'm not saving we should go minimalistic and get rid of everything except clothing, beds, chairs, and other necessities. Sure, it might sound cool, but I'm fairly certain I'd be depressed in a minimalistic environment. Still, setting a goal of getting rid of one item a day for a year, or removing 30 items at the start of every month, or even 101 items every month, no matter how small, would be a decent goal. It's quantitative. It's a solid number we can work with to make sure we meet.
I'd rather have things go all at once rather than one a day. It's easier to toss one item in a box each day, sure. But after a while it's going to be difficult to remember if I've put something in the box that day or not. While it might be cool to just toss an item in 'just in case' so that if I did forget, I cover it, but then I know I'd look at it and go, 'well, if I toss a few more in today while I'm at it, I can skip the next few days guilt free'. And then I'm stuck trying to remember what day I have to start dropping things in again, and next thing you know, it's too complicated to keep up with.
Sitting down on, say, the first Sunday of every month and dropping 30 items in a box for that month has it's advantages. It's 30 items for the whole month, all at once. When we finish, we're done for that month. Add to that the fact that at the end of the month, we can take the box into some place to donate the items, or off to a storage unit. And by doing it that way, we have almost a full month to figure out if we need the item or will miss it. If not, guilt free removal. If so, we can trade it out for something else.
It's a good plan. if this procrastinating house hold can get behind it.
Saturday, September 25, 2010
I give up trying to talk to people
It is clear to me that my ability to vocally communicate with people is in the lowest percentile as far as successful transmissions. I fail at telling people anything. Apparently I do not know how to communicate correctly. Odd, up until this year I was certain I was capable of communication, but since I've been proven wrong, I figure it is useless for me to continue to try communicating with others.
Since I have failed, after graduating high school and community college, to learn how to correctly communicate to other human beings, I figure there is no chance of me learning to do so at this late date. I will stick to talking to my cat. At least he understands me.
Since I have failed, after graduating high school and community college, to learn how to correctly communicate to other human beings, I figure there is no chance of me learning to do so at this late date. I will stick to talking to my cat. At least he understands me.
Friday, September 24, 2010
Ugh. Just.. ugh.
First off, this is jut a place for me to vent. I am not looking for feedback, and honestly I don't know that I want any if you feel you want to supply it. I just need a place to vent.
Finances are tight. I know this. I realize this. I've been made painfully aware of this.
Dig and Mur are expecting paychecks. I know this. I realize this.
But our bills are currently draining us of any buffer we had. Paying everything for October is basically going to drag us down to zero, if not below. So yes, I'm a touch panicked right now.
I am aware they get paid soon, but Dig's paycheck comes in Oct 8th, and most of that, from what I remember was already spoken for for their current bills of car payment, insurance, and other things. Mur's check comes next Saturday. Great. I'm not sure how much of that is already spoken for, for the things they need.
Our bills, or at least 1/2 of them, are due the 1st of October, and are on autodraft from my checking. Which means no, I cannot opt to just hold off and pay them late, they come out without me having to do anything. From my bank account. Which may or may not have the money needed there for them to draft from.
So I'm freaked out the bills are going to draft and I won't have the money to pay them. Add to that, that because we are worried about that, we've switched to putting things on Discover, which means we now have about $800 on Discover we have to pay off too. And we're going to be at a near zero balance to do so. Add to this that when I suggest something to try and cut back on things to save money, I feel like I get laughed at and blown off. "Don't worry about it."
I'm sorry, might as well tell me not to breathe. I do worry. I AM WORRIED. Simply treating it like it's not important or not valid isn't going to make the fear and worry go away. It's only going to make me feel like you don't care at all. After all, it isn't your credit about to tank, or your home about to be put in jeopardy, or your concern. So it's easy for you to say 'don't worry about it' because there's nothing there for you to worry about. I on the other hand, am worried, am freaked out, and now I feel completely ignored.
So when I walk away to try and cool down and destress and stuff, perhaps letting me do so would be wise. you don't walk up behind someone in a panic attack and shout "OMG We're going to DIE!", why would you not let someone take a few moments to calm down? Is making your point so you have the last word on something really that important that you cannot give me 10 minutes to de-freak out? Because when I'm panicked and freaked and starting to hypervent over something, that's exactly how it feels when I need to walk away, and someone follows me just to make sure I hear the last thing they have to say. Know what? I am fairly certain you can say the exact same thing 10mins from now. When I'm calmer. When I'm not freaking out. When my heart doesn't feel like someone is pinching it and twisting it and shoving it against my chest cavity.
Then, to go completely overboard in a suggestion, just makes me feel mocked. You didn't like my idea to start with, so now you're just poking fun at me. Okay, go on, twist the knife a little deeper. Feel better? Because I sure don't.
This is why I don't talk to people. This is why I can't trust people. Because anything I say gets blown out of proportion and mocked. I'm sorry.. I FEEL anything I say gets blown out of proportion and mocked.
I asked if we could maybe turn off computers when we're not home to use them. Maybe turn off lights when we aren't using them (because a light on the bathroom all day when no one is home doesn't make sense. And the energy saving websites all say if you're not going to be in the room for over 15 mins or 30 mins, turn the light off and you will save more energy than just leaving it on.). Telling me "oh the savings are so small they don't matter" is like saying coupons aren't worth it. Savings add up over a month. $4 a day over a month is $120 a month. You still think that $120 a month isn't worth it? Cool, fork over $120 a month to me every month, since it isn't so important. Because I'm fairly certain $120 a month to me is worth something.
25 cents a day might not seem like much. But if you save 25 cents a day on just the computers, 25 cents a day on the lights, and 25 cents a day on all the other things, that's 75 cents a day. That's $22.50 a month that can be used for other things. Or better yet, $22.50 a month that I'm not trying to scrounge up and figure out how to pay, and panicking over. $22.50 a month might not seem like much to you, but it's a crapton when you don't have it and HAVE to have it.
I realize my concerns and worries are not yours. But they are mine. You might not feel they are valid, but I do. Please stop treating me like I'm always wrong and I know nothing about anything, because that's how it feels when I constantly get blown off and ignored about things. I am how I am. If you don't like it, I'm sorry. I cannot do anything about it right now. I'm too busy trying to figure out how to pay existing bills without trying to add on the expense of health care so I can be seen and given medication to help with the issues I have.
Adding to the paranoia and stress does not make it go away any faster.
Now, I've been told communication is key. So I'm communicating. Sort of. But there's issues with this.
I've also been told to 'stop caring'. Just don't care and it will make things better. I'm fairly certain that if I stop caring about the bills being paid and take a 'meh' attitude that eventually, something with get shut off or the house will be foreclosed on. Should I really just not care?
If I stop caring that we have food in the house to eat or that everyone has something to eat, is that really cool?
If I stop caring if people have money for gas, or smokes or anything else, does that make me a better person than I am now?
Because to me, if I stop caring, I only see things getting worse, not better. To me, is seems if I stop caring, then none of us will be able to walk in the house for the piles of clothing, trash and other things. To me, if I stop caring... it seems like everything will just fall apart, because it seems to me I'm the only one here who does care. Because every time I voice a concern, I get told "Eh, don't worry about it."
And then I wonder why I'm so panicked? Maybe I should just stop caring. If the bills don't get paid and the electric gets shut of, eh, don't worry about it. if the bank doesn't get paid and the house gets taken, eh, don't worry about it. Right?
Sure, that's a bit extreme. But that's what I see. So telling me not to worry, is like telling me 'Who cares if you lose the house... it's no big thing." Logically, I realize that's probably not what is being said. But there's nothing logical about paranoia, is there?
Now that I've had some time to cool off, I'm still paranoid, but now I can see the logic/illogical issues. I might still feel the illogical side of things, because they aren't going to go away. But I at least understand, rationally, which is which. Which is why when I need space, I'd appreciate getting it. So I can process. So I can de-stress. So I can sort things out without the raw emotions.
As far as communications go, I'm still pretty much feeling whatever I say doesn't matter, because it will either be ignored, blown off or mocked and made fun of. So I'm left feeling like there's no real reason to bother communicating anymore. Maybe I just need more time to cool off. I don't know.
I suppose I'll just shut up, stay quiet and stop caring. I can see how well that works after a month.
Finances are tight. I know this. I realize this. I've been made painfully aware of this.
Dig and Mur are expecting paychecks. I know this. I realize this.
But our bills are currently draining us of any buffer we had. Paying everything for October is basically going to drag us down to zero, if not below. So yes, I'm a touch panicked right now.
I am aware they get paid soon, but Dig's paycheck comes in Oct 8th, and most of that, from what I remember was already spoken for for their current bills of car payment, insurance, and other things. Mur's check comes next Saturday. Great. I'm not sure how much of that is already spoken for, for the things they need.
Our bills, or at least 1/2 of them, are due the 1st of October, and are on autodraft from my checking. Which means no, I cannot opt to just hold off and pay them late, they come out without me having to do anything. From my bank account. Which may or may not have the money needed there for them to draft from.
So I'm freaked out the bills are going to draft and I won't have the money to pay them. Add to that, that because we are worried about that, we've switched to putting things on Discover, which means we now have about $800 on Discover we have to pay off too. And we're going to be at a near zero balance to do so. Add to this that when I suggest something to try and cut back on things to save money, I feel like I get laughed at and blown off. "Don't worry about it."
I'm sorry, might as well tell me not to breathe. I do worry. I AM WORRIED. Simply treating it like it's not important or not valid isn't going to make the fear and worry go away. It's only going to make me feel like you don't care at all. After all, it isn't your credit about to tank, or your home about to be put in jeopardy, or your concern. So it's easy for you to say 'don't worry about it' because there's nothing there for you to worry about. I on the other hand, am worried, am freaked out, and now I feel completely ignored.
So when I walk away to try and cool down and destress and stuff, perhaps letting me do so would be wise. you don't walk up behind someone in a panic attack and shout "OMG We're going to DIE!", why would you not let someone take a few moments to calm down? Is making your point so you have the last word on something really that important that you cannot give me 10 minutes to de-freak out? Because when I'm panicked and freaked and starting to hypervent over something, that's exactly how it feels when I need to walk away, and someone follows me just to make sure I hear the last thing they have to say. Know what? I am fairly certain you can say the exact same thing 10mins from now. When I'm calmer. When I'm not freaking out. When my heart doesn't feel like someone is pinching it and twisting it and shoving it against my chest cavity.
Then, to go completely overboard in a suggestion, just makes me feel mocked. You didn't like my idea to start with, so now you're just poking fun at me. Okay, go on, twist the knife a little deeper. Feel better? Because I sure don't.
This is why I don't talk to people. This is why I can't trust people. Because anything I say gets blown out of proportion and mocked. I'm sorry.. I FEEL anything I say gets blown out of proportion and mocked.
I asked if we could maybe turn off computers when we're not home to use them. Maybe turn off lights when we aren't using them (because a light on the bathroom all day when no one is home doesn't make sense. And the energy saving websites all say if you're not going to be in the room for over 15 mins or 30 mins, turn the light off and you will save more energy than just leaving it on.). Telling me "oh the savings are so small they don't matter" is like saying coupons aren't worth it. Savings add up over a month. $4 a day over a month is $120 a month. You still think that $120 a month isn't worth it? Cool, fork over $120 a month to me every month, since it isn't so important. Because I'm fairly certain $120 a month to me is worth something.
25 cents a day might not seem like much. But if you save 25 cents a day on just the computers, 25 cents a day on the lights, and 25 cents a day on all the other things, that's 75 cents a day. That's $22.50 a month that can be used for other things. Or better yet, $22.50 a month that I'm not trying to scrounge up and figure out how to pay, and panicking over. $22.50 a month might not seem like much to you, but it's a crapton when you don't have it and HAVE to have it.
I realize my concerns and worries are not yours. But they are mine. You might not feel they are valid, but I do. Please stop treating me like I'm always wrong and I know nothing about anything, because that's how it feels when I constantly get blown off and ignored about things. I am how I am. If you don't like it, I'm sorry. I cannot do anything about it right now. I'm too busy trying to figure out how to pay existing bills without trying to add on the expense of health care so I can be seen and given medication to help with the issues I have.
Adding to the paranoia and stress does not make it go away any faster.
Now, I've been told communication is key. So I'm communicating. Sort of. But there's issues with this.
I've also been told to 'stop caring'. Just don't care and it will make things better. I'm fairly certain that if I stop caring about the bills being paid and take a 'meh' attitude that eventually, something with get shut off or the house will be foreclosed on. Should I really just not care?
If I stop caring that we have food in the house to eat or that everyone has something to eat, is that really cool?
If I stop caring if people have money for gas, or smokes or anything else, does that make me a better person than I am now?
Because to me, if I stop caring, I only see things getting worse, not better. To me, is seems if I stop caring, then none of us will be able to walk in the house for the piles of clothing, trash and other things. To me, if I stop caring... it seems like everything will just fall apart, because it seems to me I'm the only one here who does care. Because every time I voice a concern, I get told "Eh, don't worry about it."
And then I wonder why I'm so panicked? Maybe I should just stop caring. If the bills don't get paid and the electric gets shut of, eh, don't worry about it. if the bank doesn't get paid and the house gets taken, eh, don't worry about it. Right?
Sure, that's a bit extreme. But that's what I see. So telling me not to worry, is like telling me 'Who cares if you lose the house... it's no big thing." Logically, I realize that's probably not what is being said. But there's nothing logical about paranoia, is there?
Now that I've had some time to cool off, I'm still paranoid, but now I can see the logic/illogical issues. I might still feel the illogical side of things, because they aren't going to go away. But I at least understand, rationally, which is which. Which is why when I need space, I'd appreciate getting it. So I can process. So I can de-stress. So I can sort things out without the raw emotions.
As far as communications go, I'm still pretty much feeling whatever I say doesn't matter, because it will either be ignored, blown off or mocked and made fun of. So I'm left feeling like there's no real reason to bother communicating anymore. Maybe I just need more time to cool off. I don't know.
I suppose I'll just shut up, stay quiet and stop caring. I can see how well that works after a month.
Thursday, September 23, 2010
MonsterQuest
I had never seen this show before I found it on Netflix. Honestly when I started watching it, I thought it would be crap. But I find I enjoy it. They take one monster myth each episode and set out to try and hunt it down. Like Mythbusters only they only focus on monsters.
I told the hubby today, I am seeing a lot of common stories. Sasquatch, Big Foot, Skunk Ape, etc... all over the US there are reports of these human-ape like creatures, but each area calls them something different. They're varied in height, and varied in fur color, and even varied on how much human to ape ratio they have. Of course, I'm sitting here thinking, "well, look at humans.. we're varied in height, varied in hair/skin color and look at how varied our facial features are. Duh." But maybe I'm over simplifying it. Now, do I think these creatures are real? Not sure. Do I think there's a chance some offshoot of an ape evolved into something like them? It's possible. You cannot say it isn't possible. Do I Think they've remained hidden from humans all this time to avoid detection? Dude, they haven't avoided detection, or we wouldn't hear about it.
Think of it this way. First, primates are intelligent. No one can deny this. They can learn to use tools. They use wood knocking to communicate over distance. They work in groups. This supports intelligence. If something did evolve off an ape chain into something manlike, why would you think it failed to evolve higher intelligence as well?
Now, add to it the fact that most people see something they don't believe, they keep quiet about it, or only tell a few friends. A good portion of the population doesn't (seem to) go spouting off "Guess what unknown weird and improbable thing I saw" at the top of their lungs to anyone and everyone who listens. Those who do usually get marked as a "nut-job" and ignored. So communication of these things... probably a lot lower than if you happened to see J-Lo eating at a Denny's.
Now, you might say that, if people saw J-Lo eating at a Denny's, they'd have video and photos posted all over the net in seconds, so why don't people just do that? I don't know about you, but normally I don't go out with a video camera on my hip, or even my digital. I have to plan to take it. So if I ran across something cool, I'd be forced to snap a picture on my cell phone. My cell takes craptastic photos. How's yours? About the same? Now, figure that someone is less likely to question if that pic of J-Lo is a fake, than that pic of a BigFoot walking across the corn field. More people will cry 'fake' on the monster pictures. So, a crappy cell photo won't cut it on a monster sighting. Which means, why take one?
Anyways, I certainly think it's arrogant of us to assume there's things out there we still don't know. I mean, seriously, new creatures and new species are being discovered even today. Why would anyone think that these stories, reported in all kinds of places, might just be fairytales? There's always a change they have some truth to them.
But beyond that, the search into the unknown is just freaking cool to me. So much so, that while I was watching the story on the 'Black Beast of Exmoor' the narrator said something about taking precautions so as to not run into the beast and get hurt, and I was going "Why? Dude, close encounters could be awesome.. run up and hug it. If it mauls you, then you have real proof."
Mind you this 'beast' is supposed to be some kind of large cat, like a Jaguar. I am SO a cat person. Had it been something like a snake or a dog I might have agreed, but it's a cat. I just want to pet the thing!
I told the hubby today, I am seeing a lot of common stories. Sasquatch, Big Foot, Skunk Ape, etc... all over the US there are reports of these human-ape like creatures, but each area calls them something different. They're varied in height, and varied in fur color, and even varied on how much human to ape ratio they have. Of course, I'm sitting here thinking, "well, look at humans.. we're varied in height, varied in hair/skin color and look at how varied our facial features are. Duh." But maybe I'm over simplifying it. Now, do I think these creatures are real? Not sure. Do I think there's a chance some offshoot of an ape evolved into something like them? It's possible. You cannot say it isn't possible. Do I Think they've remained hidden from humans all this time to avoid detection? Dude, they haven't avoided detection, or we wouldn't hear about it.
Think of it this way. First, primates are intelligent. No one can deny this. They can learn to use tools. They use wood knocking to communicate over distance. They work in groups. This supports intelligence. If something did evolve off an ape chain into something manlike, why would you think it failed to evolve higher intelligence as well?
Now, add to it the fact that most people see something they don't believe, they keep quiet about it, or only tell a few friends. A good portion of the population doesn't (seem to) go spouting off "Guess what unknown weird and improbable thing I saw" at the top of their lungs to anyone and everyone who listens. Those who do usually get marked as a "nut-job" and ignored. So communication of these things... probably a lot lower than if you happened to see J-Lo eating at a Denny's.
Now, you might say that, if people saw J-Lo eating at a Denny's, they'd have video and photos posted all over the net in seconds, so why don't people just do that? I don't know about you, but normally I don't go out with a video camera on my hip, or even my digital. I have to plan to take it. So if I ran across something cool, I'd be forced to snap a picture on my cell phone. My cell takes craptastic photos. How's yours? About the same? Now, figure that someone is less likely to question if that pic of J-Lo is a fake, than that pic of a BigFoot walking across the corn field. More people will cry 'fake' on the monster pictures. So, a crappy cell photo won't cut it on a monster sighting. Which means, why take one?
Anyways, I certainly think it's arrogant of us to assume there's things out there we still don't know. I mean, seriously, new creatures and new species are being discovered even today. Why would anyone think that these stories, reported in all kinds of places, might just be fairytales? There's always a change they have some truth to them.
But beyond that, the search into the unknown is just freaking cool to me. So much so, that while I was watching the story on the 'Black Beast of Exmoor' the narrator said something about taking precautions so as to not run into the beast and get hurt, and I was going "Why? Dude, close encounters could be awesome.. run up and hug it. If it mauls you, then you have real proof."
Mind you this 'beast' is supposed to be some kind of large cat, like a Jaguar. I am SO a cat person. Had it been something like a snake or a dog I might have agreed, but it's a cat. I just want to pet the thing!
Wednesday, September 22, 2010
When it rains
So, I don't usually make plans to go do things. I'm always home. Even if I don't want to be. So Tuesday when a friend asked if I'd like to get together for a little celebration 'tomorrow', I thought, sure, why not? I never go do anything. I can go out once in a while. Mur can watch the Bug for one night.
Mind you, Mur was out at a job interview while this was going through my head. So she came home and was all "I got a job on the way to the interview, I start tomorrow."
Tomorrow. That day I had just made plans to finally get out of the house on.
Anyone else see the cosmic 'f-u' flashed here? I did. I mean, yes, it's awesome she has a job. Even if it is only a 2 week temp job, it is still work and a paycheck. It just was ironic it happened just as I finally tried to get out of the house.
But, it happened to work out. The Hubby took today off so he could adjust from a day schedule for training, back to a night schedule for working. Which meant he could watch the Bug during he hour lapse from when I left and Mur and Dig got home.
It worked out nicely. And to top it off, the girls at the little party were cool, and they are planning to get together once a week. To hang out and stuff. So, if they move the meeting time a little later on Wednesdays, I should be able to still watch the Bug and go to the meetings. I'm crossing my fingers, because this getting out of the house thing is kind of cool. I forgot that other people exist outside the house.
Sadly, Denver has a LOT of other people. about 1/8th of what's out there would be a better number but what are ya going to do? Sterilize the water supply?
>.>
Nah...
Mind you, Mur was out at a job interview while this was going through my head. So she came home and was all "I got a job on the way to the interview, I start tomorrow."
Tomorrow. That day I had just made plans to finally get out of the house on.
Anyone else see the cosmic 'f-u' flashed here? I did. I mean, yes, it's awesome she has a job. Even if it is only a 2 week temp job, it is still work and a paycheck. It just was ironic it happened just as I finally tried to get out of the house.
But, it happened to work out. The Hubby took today off so he could adjust from a day schedule for training, back to a night schedule for working. Which meant he could watch the Bug during he hour lapse from when I left and Mur and Dig got home.
It worked out nicely. And to top it off, the girls at the little party were cool, and they are planning to get together once a week. To hang out and stuff. So, if they move the meeting time a little later on Wednesdays, I should be able to still watch the Bug and go to the meetings. I'm crossing my fingers, because this getting out of the house thing is kind of cool. I forgot that other people exist outside the house.
Sadly, Denver has a LOT of other people. about 1/8th of what's out there would be a better number but what are ya going to do? Sterilize the water supply?
>.>
Nah...
Monday, September 20, 2010
Your internet connection has slowed...
Netflix has issues with my laptop. They constantly have to adjust playback to 'avoid further interruptions'. This rarely works. How many times can my connection slow, during one 30 min episode? Apparently four. So far. And I'm only half way through.
Why does my connect never speed up? I never see "Your Internet connection has improved, we are adjusting playback to increase your viewing pleasure". No, it's always "Your Internet connection has slowed. We are adjusting playback to avoid further interruptions". Not that it works, as I've said.
Anyways, that was a random thought for today. Dig starts work today, and Mur has a job fair to go to, as she's still trying to find a job. Cross your fingers for her? She is trying so hard to go back to work and if she gets paid, I get paid for watching the Bug, so it's a double win all around.
Speaking of the Bug, I get to watch her today while they are go. I know, I am always watching her. But this whole Nanny thing might not be so bad. I even checked out some books about it, to try and help me take care of her better. which reminds me, if they are taking their car, I might have to have them put her car seat in mine, so if I have to go anywhere I can take her with me legally.
But this is why I am on Netflix, because I am finding things to watch to keep me entertained and sane while watching her since they will both be gone most of the day. Oh, and the Hubby will be gone too, so yeah, it's me and the Bug and the Cat all day. Wish me luck while you're wishing Mur luck. We both need it.
Edit: three hours later, I find out Mur isn't going to the job fair after all. She's taking the Bug all day, save for a few moments here and there. I am not sure why the sudden change from last night. Maybe she's trying to give me some space from the meltdown, maybe she's mad at me. No clue here. I suppose I will try and ask later.
Why does my connect never speed up? I never see "Your Internet connection has improved, we are adjusting playback to increase your viewing pleasure". No, it's always "Your Internet connection has slowed. We are adjusting playback to avoid further interruptions". Not that it works, as I've said.
Anyways, that was a random thought for today. Dig starts work today, and Mur has a job fair to go to, as she's still trying to find a job. Cross your fingers for her? She is trying so hard to go back to work and if she gets paid, I get paid for watching the Bug, so it's a double win all around.
Speaking of the Bug, I get to watch her today while they are go. I know, I am always watching her. But this whole Nanny thing might not be so bad. I even checked out some books about it, to try and help me take care of her better. which reminds me, if they are taking their car, I might have to have them put her car seat in mine, so if I have to go anywhere I can take her with me legally.
But this is why I am on Netflix, because I am finding things to watch to keep me entertained and sane while watching her since they will both be gone most of the day. Oh, and the Hubby will be gone too, so yeah, it's me and the Bug and the Cat all day. Wish me luck while you're wishing Mur luck. We both need it.
Edit: three hours later, I find out Mur isn't going to the job fair after all. She's taking the Bug all day, save for a few moments here and there. I am not sure why the sudden change from last night. Maybe she's trying to give me some space from the meltdown, maybe she's mad at me. No clue here. I suppose I will try and ask later.
Sunday, September 19, 2010
Country Buffet
So the hubby and I went out for dinner, just the two of us, after yesterday's meltdown. We picked Country Buffet because we can each get what we want and eat as much as we want. It also allows us to sit down and talk a little. Not that either of us felt like talking much, we're still kind of broken. I know I'm still feeling broken.
Anyway, from where I was sitting, I could see the salad bar. I watched, in horror, as some elderly gentleman walked up with a plate, scooped salad onto the plate, set the tongs down and proceeded to pick things out of the salad with his fingers and toss them back into the salad bowl. Now, I'm slightly OCD from dealing with my father who is majorly OCD. (Think Monk, and you're about there). So this disgusted me. Add on the fact that I know restaurant employees are required to wash their hands, but this does not apply to the customers. So you have no promise this older gent has washed after his last bathroom visit or not.
When the waiter, if the guys at Country Buffet can be called waiters, came by and asked if everything was alright, I looked at him and shook my head. I didn't expect him to be able to do anything, after all, they cannot control their customers. But, I knew it would make me feel better to tell someone. So I told him what I had just seen.
He asked which bowl of salad, and promptly removed the whole bowl, disappearing back into the kitchen and appearing a few moments later with a different bowl of salad. He came back over and said, and I quote, "We didn't have any more of that kind of salad, but we've replaced the salad there with new salad."
Prompt.
I was stunned, and really, it made me feel good about eating in that place, to know they handle things in such a manner. I was really pleased.
Of course, if they look at it like I did, if someone gets sick off that salad, they can be blamed for poor hygiene codes or something, so it does make sense they would do something. Still, I didn't expect them to do anything and they did, so I was happy.
Anyway, from where I was sitting, I could see the salad bar. I watched, in horror, as some elderly gentleman walked up with a plate, scooped salad onto the plate, set the tongs down and proceeded to pick things out of the salad with his fingers and toss them back into the salad bowl. Now, I'm slightly OCD from dealing with my father who is majorly OCD. (Think Monk, and you're about there). So this disgusted me. Add on the fact that I know restaurant employees are required to wash their hands, but this does not apply to the customers. So you have no promise this older gent has washed after his last bathroom visit or not.
When the waiter, if the guys at Country Buffet can be called waiters, came by and asked if everything was alright, I looked at him and shook my head. I didn't expect him to be able to do anything, after all, they cannot control their customers. But, I knew it would make me feel better to tell someone. So I told him what I had just seen.
He asked which bowl of salad, and promptly removed the whole bowl, disappearing back into the kitchen and appearing a few moments later with a different bowl of salad. He came back over and said, and I quote, "We didn't have any more of that kind of salad, but we've replaced the salad there with new salad."
Prompt.
I was stunned, and really, it made me feel good about eating in that place, to know they handle things in such a manner. I was really pleased.
Of course, if they look at it like I did, if someone gets sick off that salad, they can be blamed for poor hygiene codes or something, so it does make sense they would do something. Still, I didn't expect them to do anything and they did, so I was happy.
Journey of Questions
Not long ago I asked, 'Who am I?' and while I am not going to go back to read that post right now, I find myself once again asking that question. After my meltdown today, I find myself asking 'Who am I?'
Once I knew. I know I knew because if I asked myself that question I could answer it. The answers might change given the moment asked, or the mindset, but I always had an answer. One might say that means I didn't know who I was, but I argue that it meant that I did know who I was, at that moment. Fluidity is a part of life, the ability to adapt and adjust is necessary.
Now, if you ask who I am, I couldn't give you an answer.
I have a name, but that name doesn't make me who I am, anymore than I make my name what it is.
I am a wife, but sometimes I do not feel like I am a wife. Sometimes I feel like a maid, a babysitter, a cook, house keeper, reminder service and occasionally a friend.
I am a friend, but often I don't feel like one. I feel like a rental, someone that people look to when they need something from me, but who gets forgotten and ignored in all other times. I feel like someone who is just a stand-in, someone to take up space when needed, to fill a gap left if a 'real' friend doesn't show.
Most often I feel like someone trapped, stuck in one place, unable to break free. I feel alone. I feel invisible. I feel like I don't belong, don't exist, do not matter in the picture beyond my own head. I feel like a discard.
But none of this tells me who I am. None of it.
So who am I?
Why am I here?
Why do I stay?
Why have I lost sight of myself, and how do I find my way back? It isn't as if who I am has a cellphone I can call. I cannot take a taxi to why I am here. So how do I figure it out again, and how do I find myself? How do I fix what is broken, and survive the fixing?
There comes a time in everyone's life when they question. Most often, twice at the very least. The first time is our teenage years, when we question everything and try to adjust who we are based on the people around us. The second is often called a midlife crisis. As if what we learn in our rebellion stage is supposed to last us our whole life, and magically fit forever. When it doesn't, we have a 'midlife crisis' and try to re-find the answers.
The problem I have with this is that a midlife crisis is supposed to happen at midlife. Generally around 50 or so. Because that's the halfway point for most lives. (Okay, some say 40-60, but again given a lifespan of about 80-120, that only tells me some people have some later than others). I'm 32. I think I'm a little young for a midlife crisis, unless I only plan on living to 64. Which is possible. I'm a little old for a quarter-life crisis, because even if I live to 100, that would have happened about 25. So I can't win on the timing.
I could be having a third-life crisis, but that implies I have two other lives, when I barely have one. I suppose I could be having a 30% life crisis, because well, I sometimes feel I only have 30% of a life at best.
So I don't know what I'm having, except that I'm sitting here, wondering who I am, where I'm going and why I'm here. I seem to remember doing this in my teen years. So the idea of the midlife-crisis still seems to fit. The name is just a little misleading. And yeas, I've wandered off topic a touch.
So, if I am having a midlife crisis, what do I do? And will this crisis end in me finding myself again, or am I still going to be lost on the other end of it, but just too numb to care anymore? If I do find myself on the other side, will I be someone I want to be, or will I be someone I hate? Will I be someone I can at least tolerate, or will things only be worse, and if worse, will I be stuck with the new me, or can I keep looking?
Is this really like shopping for a car or dress, or is that thinking too much? Or too little?
If I am shopping for a new me, what's the best store to shop in, and who do I pay when I find the right fit? Can I get myself on a discount if I'm too broke to afford the upgrade? Or will I be sent home with the old, worn out model because of a lack of funds?
I find it hard to believe I will wake up and things will be better. I don't expect that I'll suddenly forget Math, or suddenly be more educated. I cannot imagine that I will wake up in a new me and have that shiny new body smell, or that low mileage excitement. Am I trading a Chevy for a Ford, or a red paint job for a green? Or am I simply going to settle for the old dress and a new set of heels and possibly a new purse to make things seem newer than they are?
And no, I'm not getting a face lift or a boob job. Even though that last thought stabs at that idea, those just aren't my style. If they are the new me's style, then I'm going to already have issues with this person.
I suppose the crisis part of a midlife crisis comes from the unanswered questions and the trepidation about who is waiting on the other side of this journey. I just wish I could figure out where the journey starts and what time the tour leaves, because I feel completely lost.
I may never figure out why I am here. I doubt any of us really know why, not even at the moment of death, though that would be really cool if at the moment we die it's like that game show where you pick a door. Your life was a door, and when you die, there's this voice saying 'let's see what you've won'. If you succeeded in fulfilling your mission, your 'why you were here', then you win. If you got part of it right, you get the secondary prize, and see what you could have done differently. If you just missed completely you see the ways you mucked everything up and get the boobie prize. Sadly, I feel like right now, I'm picking the boobie prize door. But I feel like everyone is screaming door 2, and I'm picking 3. a lifetime supply of Q-tips, aren't I lucky? Bye-bye shiny new car and bye-bye runner-up prize.
But what happens if I switch my gut instinct, and go with the crowd? What if door 2 is a can of re-fried beans, and Door 3 was a vacation to Scotland? You see the problem? What if the end result of all this screws me up worse than I am right now? What if when everything is over, the smoke has cleared, and I've completely missed the mark on what I was supposed to do because I started having doubts and listening to others? But... what if that's what I am supposed to do, and my paranoia keeps me from doing it because I'm afraid I'll mess up? Catch-22. And I hate my life.
As for why I stay... I don't know. I really don't. Why am I mucked down here and not moving? Fear? Paranoia? Over thinking? I can't say. I really have no idea.
In the end, I'm not sure what to do. I have no direction, no hope. No expectations, only fear and questions.
And don't tell me to 'give it up to God.'. Bless you people, but no. Goddess maybe, but there's nothing that's going to convince me a male deity understands the first thing about my body, my issues, my concerns, my complaints. No man enjoys sitting there while a girl goes off on a rant about her cramps and period. I highly doubt a male deity will either. And the image of God with his fingers in his ears going 'lalala can't hear you' isn't exactly comforting. Especially not when I'm supposed to be firing off all my rants and issues and expecting some help in return.
And yes, this is more than cramps and a period. A lot more. But the idea is valid. I'm not about to sit down to counseling with a male and completely open up to them and know, they understand. I'm sorry. No male is going to understand my body issues, my health problems, and my fears and concerns, which in some way wrap into the larger picture of no longer knowing who I am. I'd be more comfortable talking to another chick about things, and having that knowledge that some things are universal.
So, will I give it up to Goddess? I don't know. It's been a long time since I talked with Her. Perhaps that's part of the issue, but as disconnected from myself as I feel, I am fifty times worse when it comes to Her. I don't know I'd even know where to start anymore.
Maybe my journey starts there. Maybe the first step in finding myself is finding Her again. I don't know. After today, I wonder if there's anything left for me to find. I feel like a shell. A dead leaf. Is there a point to seeking the wind, other than to be smashed to pieces by it?
Once I knew. I know I knew because if I asked myself that question I could answer it. The answers might change given the moment asked, or the mindset, but I always had an answer. One might say that means I didn't know who I was, but I argue that it meant that I did know who I was, at that moment. Fluidity is a part of life, the ability to adapt and adjust is necessary.
Now, if you ask who I am, I couldn't give you an answer.
I have a name, but that name doesn't make me who I am, anymore than I make my name what it is.
I am a wife, but sometimes I do not feel like I am a wife. Sometimes I feel like a maid, a babysitter, a cook, house keeper, reminder service and occasionally a friend.
I am a friend, but often I don't feel like one. I feel like a rental, someone that people look to when they need something from me, but who gets forgotten and ignored in all other times. I feel like someone who is just a stand-in, someone to take up space when needed, to fill a gap left if a 'real' friend doesn't show.
Most often I feel like someone trapped, stuck in one place, unable to break free. I feel alone. I feel invisible. I feel like I don't belong, don't exist, do not matter in the picture beyond my own head. I feel like a discard.
But none of this tells me who I am. None of it.
So who am I?
Why am I here?
Why do I stay?
Why have I lost sight of myself, and how do I find my way back? It isn't as if who I am has a cellphone I can call. I cannot take a taxi to why I am here. So how do I figure it out again, and how do I find myself? How do I fix what is broken, and survive the fixing?
There comes a time in everyone's life when they question. Most often, twice at the very least. The first time is our teenage years, when we question everything and try to adjust who we are based on the people around us. The second is often called a midlife crisis. As if what we learn in our rebellion stage is supposed to last us our whole life, and magically fit forever. When it doesn't, we have a 'midlife crisis' and try to re-find the answers.
The problem I have with this is that a midlife crisis is supposed to happen at midlife. Generally around 50 or so. Because that's the halfway point for most lives. (Okay, some say 40-60, but again given a lifespan of about 80-120, that only tells me some people have some later than others). I'm 32. I think I'm a little young for a midlife crisis, unless I only plan on living to 64. Which is possible. I'm a little old for a quarter-life crisis, because even if I live to 100, that would have happened about 25. So I can't win on the timing.
I could be having a third-life crisis, but that implies I have two other lives, when I barely have one. I suppose I could be having a 30% life crisis, because well, I sometimes feel I only have 30% of a life at best.
So I don't know what I'm having, except that I'm sitting here, wondering who I am, where I'm going and why I'm here. I seem to remember doing this in my teen years. So the idea of the midlife-crisis still seems to fit. The name is just a little misleading. And yeas, I've wandered off topic a touch.
So, if I am having a midlife crisis, what do I do? And will this crisis end in me finding myself again, or am I still going to be lost on the other end of it, but just too numb to care anymore? If I do find myself on the other side, will I be someone I want to be, or will I be someone I hate? Will I be someone I can at least tolerate, or will things only be worse, and if worse, will I be stuck with the new me, or can I keep looking?
Is this really like shopping for a car or dress, or is that thinking too much? Or too little?
If I am shopping for a new me, what's the best store to shop in, and who do I pay when I find the right fit? Can I get myself on a discount if I'm too broke to afford the upgrade? Or will I be sent home with the old, worn out model because of a lack of funds?
I find it hard to believe I will wake up and things will be better. I don't expect that I'll suddenly forget Math, or suddenly be more educated. I cannot imagine that I will wake up in a new me and have that shiny new body smell, or that low mileage excitement. Am I trading a Chevy for a Ford, or a red paint job for a green? Or am I simply going to settle for the old dress and a new set of heels and possibly a new purse to make things seem newer than they are?
And no, I'm not getting a face lift or a boob job. Even though that last thought stabs at that idea, those just aren't my style. If they are the new me's style, then I'm going to already have issues with this person.
I suppose the crisis part of a midlife crisis comes from the unanswered questions and the trepidation about who is waiting on the other side of this journey. I just wish I could figure out where the journey starts and what time the tour leaves, because I feel completely lost.
I may never figure out why I am here. I doubt any of us really know why, not even at the moment of death, though that would be really cool if at the moment we die it's like that game show where you pick a door. Your life was a door, and when you die, there's this voice saying 'let's see what you've won'. If you succeeded in fulfilling your mission, your 'why you were here', then you win. If you got part of it right, you get the secondary prize, and see what you could have done differently. If you just missed completely you see the ways you mucked everything up and get the boobie prize. Sadly, I feel like right now, I'm picking the boobie prize door. But I feel like everyone is screaming door 2, and I'm picking 3. a lifetime supply of Q-tips, aren't I lucky? Bye-bye shiny new car and bye-bye runner-up prize.
But what happens if I switch my gut instinct, and go with the crowd? What if door 2 is a can of re-fried beans, and Door 3 was a vacation to Scotland? You see the problem? What if the end result of all this screws me up worse than I am right now? What if when everything is over, the smoke has cleared, and I've completely missed the mark on what I was supposed to do because I started having doubts and listening to others? But... what if that's what I am supposed to do, and my paranoia keeps me from doing it because I'm afraid I'll mess up? Catch-22. And I hate my life.
As for why I stay... I don't know. I really don't. Why am I mucked down here and not moving? Fear? Paranoia? Over thinking? I can't say. I really have no idea.
In the end, I'm not sure what to do. I have no direction, no hope. No expectations, only fear and questions.
And don't tell me to 'give it up to God.'. Bless you people, but no. Goddess maybe, but there's nothing that's going to convince me a male deity understands the first thing about my body, my issues, my concerns, my complaints. No man enjoys sitting there while a girl goes off on a rant about her cramps and period. I highly doubt a male deity will either. And the image of God with his fingers in his ears going 'lalala can't hear you' isn't exactly comforting. Especially not when I'm supposed to be firing off all my rants and issues and expecting some help in return.
And yes, this is more than cramps and a period. A lot more. But the idea is valid. I'm not about to sit down to counseling with a male and completely open up to them and know, they understand. I'm sorry. No male is going to understand my body issues, my health problems, and my fears and concerns, which in some way wrap into the larger picture of no longer knowing who I am. I'd be more comfortable talking to another chick about things, and having that knowledge that some things are universal.
So, will I give it up to Goddess? I don't know. It's been a long time since I talked with Her. Perhaps that's part of the issue, but as disconnected from myself as I feel, I am fifty times worse when it comes to Her. I don't know I'd even know where to start anymore.
Maybe my journey starts there. Maybe the first step in finding myself is finding Her again. I don't know. After today, I wonder if there's anything left for me to find. I feel like a shell. A dead leaf. Is there a point to seeking the wind, other than to be smashed to pieces by it?
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