Journey of Questions

Not long ago I asked, 'Who am I?' and while I am not going to go back to read that post right now, I find myself once again asking that question. After my meltdown today, I find myself asking 'Who am I?'

Once I knew. I know I knew because if I asked myself that question I could answer it. The answers might change given the moment asked, or the mindset, but I always had an answer. One might say that means I didn't know who I was, but I argue that it meant that I did know who I was, at that moment. Fluidity is a part of life, the ability to adapt and adjust is necessary.

Now, if you ask who I am, I couldn't give you an answer.
I have a name, but that name doesn't make me who I am, anymore than I make my name what it is.
I am a wife, but sometimes I do not feel like I am a wife. Sometimes I feel like a maid, a babysitter, a cook, house keeper, reminder service and occasionally a friend.
I am a friend, but often I don't feel like one. I feel like a rental, someone that people look to when they need something from me, but who gets forgotten and ignored in all other times. I feel like someone who is just a stand-in, someone to take up space when needed, to fill a gap left if a 'real' friend doesn't show.
Most often I feel like someone trapped, stuck in one place, unable to break free. I feel alone. I feel invisible. I feel like I don't belong, don't exist, do not matter in the picture beyond my own head. I feel like a discard.

But none of this tells me who I am. None of it.

So who am I?
Why am I here?
Why do I stay?

Why have I lost sight of myself, and how do I find my way back? It isn't as if who I am has a cellphone I can call. I cannot take a taxi to why I am here. So how do I figure it out again, and how do I find myself? How do I fix what is broken, and survive the fixing?

There comes a time in everyone's life when they question. Most often, twice at the very least. The first time is our teenage years, when we question everything and try to adjust who we are based on the people around us. The second is often called a midlife crisis. As if what we learn in our rebellion stage is supposed to last us our whole life, and magically fit forever. When it doesn't, we have a 'midlife crisis' and try to re-find the answers. 

The problem I have with this is that a midlife crisis is supposed to happen at midlife. Generally around 50 or so. Because that's the halfway point for most lives. (Okay, some say 40-60, but again given a lifespan of about 80-120, that only tells me some people have some later than others). I'm 32. I think I'm a little young for a midlife crisis, unless I only plan on living to 64. Which is possible. I'm a little old for a quarter-life crisis, because even if I live to 100, that would have happened about 25.  So I can't win on the timing.

I could be having a third-life crisis, but that implies I have two other lives, when I barely have one. I suppose I could be having a 30% life crisis, because well, I sometimes feel I only have 30% of a life at best.

So I don't know what I'm having, except that I'm sitting here, wondering who I am, where I'm going and why I'm here. I seem to remember doing this in my teen years. So the idea of the midlife-crisis still seems to fit. The name is just a little misleading. And yeas, I've wandered off topic a touch.

So, if I am having a midlife crisis, what do I do? And will this crisis end in me finding myself again, or am I still going to be lost on the other end of it, but just too numb to care anymore? If I do find myself on the other side, will I be someone I want to be, or will I be someone I hate? Will I be someone I can at least tolerate, or will things only be worse, and if worse, will I be stuck with the new me, or can I keep looking?

Is this really like shopping for a car or dress, or is that thinking too much? Or too little?
If I am shopping for a new me, what's the best store to shop in, and who do I pay when I find the right fit? Can I get myself on a discount if I'm too broke to afford the upgrade? Or will I be sent home with the old, worn out model because of a lack of funds?

I find it hard to believe I will wake up and things will be better. I don't expect that I'll suddenly forget Math, or suddenly be more educated. I cannot imagine that I will wake up in a new me and have that shiny new body smell, or that low mileage excitement. Am I trading a Chevy for a Ford, or a red paint job for a green? Or am I simply going to settle for the old dress and a new set of heels and possibly a new purse to make things seem newer than they are?

And no, I'm not getting a face lift or a boob job. Even though that last thought stabs at that idea, those just aren't my style. If they are the new me's style, then I'm going to already have issues with this person.

I suppose the crisis part of a midlife crisis comes from the unanswered questions and the trepidation about who is waiting on the other side of this journey. I just wish I could figure out where the journey starts and what time the tour leaves, because I feel completely lost.


I may never figure out why I am here. I doubt any of us really know why, not even at the moment of death, though that would be really cool if at the moment we die it's like that game show where you pick a door. Your life was a door, and when you die, there's this voice saying 'let's see what you've won'. If you succeeded in fulfilling your mission, your 'why you were here', then you win. If you got part of it right, you get the secondary prize, and see what you could have done differently. If you just missed completely you see the ways you mucked everything up and get the boobie prize. Sadly, I feel like right now, I'm picking the boobie prize door. But I feel like everyone is screaming door 2, and I'm picking 3. a lifetime supply of Q-tips, aren't I lucky? Bye-bye shiny new car and bye-bye runner-up prize.

But what happens if I switch my gut instinct, and go with the crowd? What if door 2 is a can of re-fried beans, and Door 3 was a vacation to Scotland? You see the problem? What if the end result of all this screws me up worse than I am right now? What if when everything is over, the smoke has cleared, and I've completely missed the mark on what I was supposed to do because I started having doubts and listening to others? But... what if that's what I am supposed to do, and my paranoia keeps me from doing it because I'm afraid I'll mess up? Catch-22. And I hate my life.


As for why I stay... I don't know. I really don't. Why am I mucked down here and not moving? Fear? Paranoia? Over thinking? I can't say. I really have no idea.


In the end, I'm not sure what to do. I have no direction, no hope. No expectations, only fear and questions.

And don't tell me to 'give it up to God.'. Bless you people, but no. Goddess maybe, but there's nothing that's going to convince me a male deity understands the first thing about my body, my issues, my concerns, my complaints. No man enjoys sitting there while a girl goes off on a rant about her cramps and period. I highly doubt a male deity will either. And the image of God with his fingers in his ears going 'lalala can't hear you' isn't exactly comforting. Especially not when I'm supposed to be firing off all my rants and issues and expecting some help in return.

And yes, this is more than cramps and a period. A lot more. But the idea is valid. I'm not about to sit down to counseling with a male and completely open up to them and know, they understand. I'm sorry. No male is going to understand my body issues, my health problems, and my fears and concerns, which in some way wrap into the larger picture of no longer knowing who I am. I'd be more comfortable talking to another chick about things, and having that knowledge that some things are universal.

So, will I give it up to Goddess? I don't know. It's been a long time since I talked with Her. Perhaps that's part of the issue, but as disconnected from myself as I feel, I am fifty times worse when it comes to Her. I don't know I'd even know where to start anymore.

Maybe my journey starts there. Maybe the first step in finding myself is finding Her again. I don't know. After today, I wonder if there's anything left for me to find. I feel like a shell. A dead leaf. Is there a point to seeking the wind, other than to be smashed to pieces by it?