First off, this is jut a place for me to vent. I am not looking for feedback, and honestly I don't know that I want any if you feel you want to supply it. I just need a place to vent.
Finances are tight. I know this. I realize this. I've been made painfully aware of this.
Dig and Mur are expecting paychecks. I know this. I realize this.
But our bills are currently draining us of any buffer we had. Paying everything for October is basically going to drag us down to zero, if not below. So yes, I'm a touch panicked right now.
I am aware they get paid soon, but Dig's paycheck comes in Oct 8th, and most of that, from what I remember was already spoken for for their current bills of car payment, insurance, and other things. Mur's check comes next Saturday. Great. I'm not sure how much of that is already spoken for, for the things they need.
Our bills, or at least 1/2 of them, are due the 1st of October, and are on autodraft from my checking. Which means no, I cannot opt to just hold off and pay them late, they come out without me having to do anything. From my bank account. Which may or may not have the money needed there for them to draft from.
So I'm freaked out the bills are going to draft and I won't have the money to pay them. Add to that, that because we are worried about that, we've switched to putting things on Discover, which means we now have about $800 on Discover we have to pay off too. And we're going to be at a near zero balance to do so. Add to this that when I suggest something to try and cut back on things to save money, I feel like I get laughed at and blown off. "Don't worry about it."
I'm sorry, might as well tell me not to breathe. I do worry. I AM WORRIED. Simply treating it like it's not important or not valid isn't going to make the fear and worry go away. It's only going to make me feel like you don't care at all. After all, it isn't your credit about to tank, or your home about to be put in jeopardy, or your concern. So it's easy for you to say 'don't worry about it' because there's nothing there for you to worry about. I on the other hand, am worried, am freaked out, and now I feel completely ignored.
So when I walk away to try and cool down and destress and stuff, perhaps letting me do so would be wise. you don't walk up behind someone in a panic attack and shout "OMG We're going to DIE!", why would you not let someone take a few moments to calm down? Is making your point so you have the last word on something really that important that you cannot give me 10 minutes to de-freak out? Because when I'm panicked and freaked and starting to hypervent over something, that's exactly how it feels when I need to walk away, and someone follows me just to make sure I hear the last thing they have to say. Know what? I am fairly certain you can say the exact same thing 10mins from now. When I'm calmer. When I'm not freaking out. When my heart doesn't feel like someone is pinching it and twisting it and shoving it against my chest cavity.
Then, to go completely overboard in a suggestion, just makes me feel mocked. You didn't like my idea to start with, so now you're just poking fun at me. Okay, go on, twist the knife a little deeper. Feel better? Because I sure don't.
This is why I don't talk to people. This is why I can't trust people. Because anything I say gets blown out of proportion and mocked. I'm sorry.. I FEEL anything I say gets blown out of proportion and mocked.
I asked if we could maybe turn off computers when we're not home to use them. Maybe turn off lights when we aren't using them (because a light on the bathroom all day when no one is home doesn't make sense. And the energy saving websites all say if you're not going to be in the room for over 15 mins or 30 mins, turn the light off and you will save more energy than just leaving it on.). Telling me "oh the savings are so small they don't matter" is like saying coupons aren't worth it. Savings add up over a month. $4 a day over a month is $120 a month. You still think that $120 a month isn't worth it? Cool, fork over $120 a month to me every month, since it isn't so important. Because I'm fairly certain $120 a month to me is worth something.
25 cents a day might not seem like much. But if you save 25 cents a day on just the computers, 25 cents a day on the lights, and 25 cents a day on all the other things, that's 75 cents a day. That's $22.50 a month that can be used for other things. Or better yet, $22.50 a month that I'm not trying to scrounge up and figure out how to pay, and panicking over. $22.50 a month might not seem like much to you, but it's a crapton when you don't have it and HAVE to have it.
I realize my concerns and worries are not yours. But they are mine. You might not feel they are valid, but I do. Please stop treating me like I'm always wrong and I know nothing about anything, because that's how it feels when I constantly get blown off and ignored about things. I am how I am. If you don't like it, I'm sorry. I cannot do anything about it right now. I'm too busy trying to figure out how to pay existing bills without trying to add on the expense of health care so I can be seen and given medication to help with the issues I have.
Adding to the paranoia and stress does not make it go away any faster.
Now, I've been told communication is key. So I'm communicating. Sort of. But there's issues with this.
I've also been told to 'stop caring'. Just don't care and it will make things better. I'm fairly certain that if I stop caring about the bills being paid and take a 'meh' attitude that eventually, something with get shut off or the house will be foreclosed on. Should I really just not care?
If I stop caring that we have food in the house to eat or that everyone has something to eat, is that really cool?
If I stop caring if people have money for gas, or smokes or anything else, does that make me a better person than I am now?
Because to me, if I stop caring, I only see things getting worse, not better. To me, is seems if I stop caring, then none of us will be able to walk in the house for the piles of clothing, trash and other things. To me, if I stop caring... it seems like everything will just fall apart, because it seems to me I'm the only one here who does care. Because every time I voice a concern, I get told "Eh, don't worry about it."
And then I wonder why I'm so panicked? Maybe I should just stop caring. If the bills don't get paid and the electric gets shut of, eh, don't worry about it. if the bank doesn't get paid and the house gets taken, eh, don't worry about it. Right?
Sure, that's a bit extreme. But that's what I see. So telling me not to worry, is like telling me 'Who cares if you lose the house... it's no big thing." Logically, I realize that's probably not what is being said. But there's nothing logical about paranoia, is there?
Now that I've had some time to cool off, I'm still paranoid, but now I can see the logic/illogical issues. I might still feel the illogical side of things, because they aren't going to go away. But I at least understand, rationally, which is which. Which is why when I need space, I'd appreciate getting it. So I can process. So I can de-stress. So I can sort things out without the raw emotions.
As far as communications go, I'm still pretty much feeling whatever I say doesn't matter, because it will either be ignored, blown off or mocked and made fun of. So I'm left feeling like there's no real reason to bother communicating anymore. Maybe I just need more time to cool off. I don't know.
I suppose I'll just shut up, stay quiet and stop caring. I can see how well that works after a month.
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