Thursday night I stepped onto a bus, leaving Denver and headed toward Iowa City. Why Iowa City? I was going out to visit a friend. Someone I trust and respect, someone who has become a rock for me in my stormy waters of life. Someone who I could count on to help me find myself again when I needed it the most.
There was fear, yes. I'd never met him face to face. I'd only spoken with him over the net, and phone. I'd also never traveled so far on a bus before, and this was only my second trip on a bus ever. I'd never gone out of state by myself. This was completely new and frightening. However, this was something I had to do, for myself, in so many ways.
They bus trip out of Denver to Omaha was horrible. The bus was packed. I was squished in. We were also 45 minutes late leaving Denver, and my transfer bus in Omaha was due to leave only 15 minutes after our 'on time' arrival time. Meaning I was afraid I'd miss it by half an hour. So the whole trip there, I was scared of missing the connection, and having to wait 24 hours for the next bus, and then not having a hotel room because I'd missed check in.
Thankfully, we hit Omaha only 12 minutes behind, and they'd held the connecting buses for us. I boarded, safe in the knowledge that I was not going to be very late getting into Iowa City. I almost was able to sleep. It also helped that the second bus was nearly empty. I had the set to myself and could stretch out.
Arriving in Iowa Friday morning, I met my friend. It was one of those times I will not forget. Stepping off a bus somewhere I didn't know, not knowing anything there, an looking around trying to see him. Then suddenly, there he was. The emotional roller-coaster was enough to make me dizzy. Hugging him for the first time felt strange. Familiar like we had been friends for years, and only hadn't seen each other for a few weeks.
The trip in Iowa, I will not bore you with. There was a lot of talking, a lot of crying, and a lot of playing video games. It was a time when I could let go of the stress from home, and find myself again. That person I used to be, inside, who had been shoved into a corner because I didn't have time for me anymore. Because I was afraid to be me. I was able to talk about issues in my life, and vent to him. I was able to talk things over and work out some problems. He helped me find me again. It was very good.
Boarding the bus Monday evening, I realized I didn't want to go home. I was afraid going home meant I would shove myself back in a corner, forget who I am, and things would return to how they were. I also will admit, I didn't want to leave him. He's a good friend, someone I enjoy hanging out with. Someone who makes me smile. Leaving him behind hurt. Maybe more than it should.
In any case, I was back on a bus, headed to Omaha. No delays. We arrived, switched buses and i was once again shoved into a sardine can. I detest the ride from Omaha to Denver. There's no room, no empty seats, and I was cramped again. That an the guy next to me decided to fall asleep and sprawl out into my side of the seat as well. Seriously?
Arriving back in Denver, I made a choice. I refuse to hide myself again, if I can help it. I do not want things to go back to the miserable state they were where I was a doormat and ignoring my feelings and everything because that is what people wanted. I do not want the time spent in Iowa City, or the effort of my friend, to have been for nothing.
It is time to spread my wings.
It is time to fly again.
It is time things change.
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